Dead Maelstrom
by Rider Paladin
Summary: A/U and crossover with X-Men Universe: An old "friend" of the Fourth Hokage notices that not all went as planned after his death and decides to do something about it. Years later, Naruto Uzumaki is ready to take the Hidden Leaf Village by storm and blade.
1. Revolutionary Spiral Naruto

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 1: "Revolutionary Spiral Naruto"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Viz. Deadpool belongs to Marvel Comics. I make no monetary or other material profit from this story whatsoever.

Author's note: I've been thinking about doing a Naruto/Deadpool crossover for a while, mainly because it would be quite amusing to imagine a Deadpool-raised Naruto. Don't worry, the characters you know and love from both the X-Men (comics) universe and the Naruto universe will remain largely intact. I will warn you now, though, that I'm not going to exaggerate certain unpleasant aspects of the characters regardless of my personal distaste for them. At the very least, I'm going to try hard to avoid that, so I can give you a decent story. Here goes nothing.

* * *

"Wade-papa!" an energetic boy's voice shouted.

"Yo, Naruto," a man in a red-and-black suit and mask greeted him, his voice somewhat scratchy and high-pitched. He raised his hand for a rushing blond blur to high-five . . . only to snatch it away at the last minute. Despite that, the blond boy punched the man's hand. "Ow, why you gotta hit so hard? What'd I ever do to you?"

"Wade-papa," the boy, Naruto, answered. "You always do this to me."

"I'm training you, man! Haven't you seen the old kung fu movies? That's how the sensei gets the student to learn!"

"This isn't a kung fu movie," Naruto answered.

Wade Wilson, a.k.a. Deadpool, stared at Naruto. "You still learned, kid! You finally hit my hand!"

"You have an interesting idea of training, Wade," a female voice greeted sardonically.

"Theresa, baby!" Wade greeted. "Jamie didn't get grabby, did he? I'm the only one who's allowed to do that! Even if he can give multiple orgasms!"

"Not in front of Naruto!" Theresa, a beautiful redhead, admonished Wade.

"Baby, Pervy Sage is more likely to ruin him for women than me!" Wade countered. "Have you read that guy's books?"

Theresa glared at Wade, even though she was blushing.

"Aw, never mind," Wade said.

"I don't see what's so special about those books," Naruto remarked.

Wade gasped dramatically. "Kid! You obviously haven't gone through puberty yet! _Make-Out Paradise_ is the stuff Heaven is made of!"

"If Heaven were full of stripper angels," Theresa muttered with an amused smile on her face.

"Ooh, that gives me an idea," Wade whispered in Theresa's ear, along with something that made her blush.

Naruto just scratched his head . . . and then three more people came in. One was a man with long white hair and red tribal tattoos. The other two were women. One was blonde with her hair in twin ponytails, a diamond mark in the center of her forehead, and very large breasts barely contained by a gray gi top. The other was brunette and dressed in a simple dark purple short kimono dress. The three of them were Jiraiya and Tsunade of the Legendary Three and Tsunade's apprentice Shizune.

"Wade," Tsunade grumbled. "I assume you're finished training Naruto?"

"Yup, Sugar Steel Tits," Wade answered.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" Tsunade asked.

"Until I finally get bored of seeing your face when I call you that!" Wade answered. "You know, a lot of super-strong women have really big boobs – Rogue, Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Wonder Woman, Knockout . . . It's not so bad, although I think nearly every woman I know has super-strength, anyway!"

"What makes you say that?" Naruto asked.

"Because you'd need super-strength to carry around boobs as big as the ones I've seen!" Wade replied.

Tsunade punched Wade in the head. "You idiot!"

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot!" Wade shouted. "Always and forever your idiot, lovely Tsunade! Smother me with your bountiful bosom! I shall only love you more!"

This time, it was Theresa who smacked Wade.

"Of course," Wade added to Theresa, "I like your boobs, too. They're nice and snuggly."

Theresa picked up Wade. "It's so nice when you talk like you care."

"Theresa-mama," Naruto uttered, "you and Wade-papa are weird."

"Ah, don't worry, Naruto-kun," Jiraiya said. "This is just how they show their affection."

"That's a weird way to show affection," Naruto remarked.

"You're young, you'll learn," Jiraiya answered. "Someday, you too will fall in love with a woman with a fiery temper, and you will endure all manner of abuse just to get a smile out of her."

"I'd rather go with a sweet, shy girl. At least she won't beat me up."

"Those are good, too. After all, they turn out to be really wild in the sack." This was emphasized with a lecherous grin.

"Jiichan . . . you're weird."

"No, I'm AWESOME! There's a difference."

"Whatever."

"Jiraiya, are you trying to corrupt my son?" Theresa asked.

"If your husband hasn't already done that, I doubt I could," Jiraiya replied. "But corrupting you will suffice just well."

Theresa glared at Jiraiya, only to start giggling when Wade tickled her. "Goochie, goochie, goo!" Wade snickered.

"How Naruto has stayed sane in this house, I don't know," Shizune remarked.

"That's because I have you, Shizune-neechan!" Naruto answered. "Don't let anyone tell you you're boring!"

"Thanks, Naruto-kun," Shizune replied with a slight blush.

Naruto turned to Wade. "So when do I get my costume?"

"Well, your reflexes are fast enough now to catch my hand," Wade remarked. "Jiraiya taught you the Rasengan. Tsunade taught you how to hit. Shizune and Theresa taught you precision. You've got a ways to go, but I think you're ready for this."

Wade went into another room and then came out with a costume similar to his, but in Naruto's size and a somewhat different design. For one, the black parts of the mask took up most of the face. For another, the mask had a hole cut out on top for Naruto's hair. For a third, the body of the costume had more black than Wade's costume did. Specifically, the pants, shoulders, and sides were colored black, while the gloves were black with red fingers and palms.

"Cool!" Naruto exclaimed. "But where are the weapons, Wade-papa?"

"Got 'em right here," Wade answered, taking out a thigh-belt with three silver kunai attached and a Y-shaped harness similar to the one on his own costume for holding twin kodachi.

Naruto looked skeptically at the kodachi. "They're a little small."

"Yeah, but what they lack in length, they make up for in precision," Wade replied. "Trust me, it ain't the size of the sword; it's how you use it."

Naruto shrugged. "If you say so."

Theresa had to chuckle. Sometimes, in a perverse way, Wade was just too funny for words. "How do you feel about going back to Konoha?"

"Eh, whatever," Naruto answered. "So long as they don't recognize me, I should be fine."

"Well, they've had time to forget what you look like," Theresa said. "Eight years' time, in fact."

"And if they give you lip, you can always kick their asses!" Wade added "helpfully."

"Thanks, but ninja aren't supposed to abuse their abilities," Naruto countered.

"Aw, man, what's the fun of having abilities if you don't abuse them?" Wade asked. "I think you spend too much time with Spider-Man."

"Spider-Man's a good guy, even if those jerks don't think so," Naruto replied.

Tsunade ruffled Naruto's hair. "A lot like you, then, kiddo."

Naruto grinned. "Yeah."

"One more thing!" Wade announced in a "wise old man" voice. He pulled out something else, a red-and-black leather jacket in the style of his and Naruto's costumes. Black-and-red disks that resembled Deadpool's mask lined the sleeves. "Those disks have all kind of useful functions! You can blow people up, create smokescreens, knock people unconscious, or just slice 'em up!"

"How am I gonna slice people up with those?" Naruto asked. "I already have the swords."

Wade picked up one of the disks and pressed on the underside, causing three curved blades to pop out of its circular edges, forming a kind of spiral that almost resembled the fully formed Sharingan. "That's how, kid."

He pressed on the disk's underside again to make the blades retract and put it back on the jacket. "So? You ready?"

"Believe it!" Naruto shouted. "I'm going to kick so much ass when I get to Konoha!"

_

* * *

_

Eight years earlier, when Naruto had been just five years old, he'd been kicked out of the orphanage in Konoha for "being a troublemaker." Never mind that he hadn't actually done anything, the orphanage owner just didn't want him around anymore. The Third Hokage had managed to set Naruto up in a lonely apartment in the "bad" part of town, but that had been the most he could do for the poor boy.

_He tried to buy food for Naruto whenever he got a chance, but more often than not, Naruto had to buy food himself and almost no one was willing to serve him. Even if they were, they would overcharge just to make him miserable or drive him away so he'd starve. Contrary to what Deadpool had first assumed when he found the boy, nobody in the village had beaten him up. They'd done worse than that, namely not-so-benign neglect._

_Deadpool had entered the village under a henge to disguise his true appearance, looking more like a silver-haired "pretty boy" than his true hideously scarred self. He'd found a small blond boy looking through the garbage for something to eat and quickly gone to a fruit stand to buy a branch of purple grapes. Once that was accomplished, he went to the boy and tapped him on the shoulder._

_The boy had jumped immediately. "Who are you!?"_

"_No one, really," Deadpool had answered, then extended the branch of grapes he'd bought. "Want some?"_

"_Why are you being so nice to me?" the boy asked._

"_Someone has to," Deadpool replied. "Come on, try some. They're not rotten."_

_Naruto looked at Deadpool skeptically and then ripped a grape off the branch, popping it into his mouth and eagerly chewing on it before swallowing. "That was good! Thank you, Jisan!"_

"_You have anywhere you can stay?"_

"_Yeah, I got somewhere. Old man Hokage set it up for me."_

_Deadpool gave Naruto the entire branch. "Go nuts."_

_Naruto began eagerly eating the grapes, hardly pausing except to breathe or swallow. "What's your name, Jisan?"_

"_Wade. Wade Wilson."_

"_I'm Naruto."_

"_Mind if we go to your place? I got nowhere to stay right now."_

"_Sure, Wade-san!"_

_When Deadpool and Naruto had reached the boy's apartment, Deadpool was silently appalled. Then he decided, true to his nature, not to be silent. "Well, crap, this is worse than anything little orphan Annie had to go through! Even those poor kids in Dickens' books didn't get crap like this!"_

_He looked in the refrigerator and recoiled. "Ah, damn! You really need to restock your fridge! Just don't put any girls in there!"_

_The joke went over Naruto's head. "Can't. Every time I go shopping, they either won't take my money or they make me pay a lot for it."_

"_What's their problem with you?" Deadpool asked. "I mean, sweet little guy like you, no way you butchered entire families or blew up a whole neighborhood or cut the last Hokage's throat or some crazy crap like that!"_

"_I don't know . . ." Naruto admitted. "I just know they don't like me at all. They won't even let the kids my age hang out with me."_

"_That sucks. Where's the guy who runs this hellhole?"_

"_It's the Hokage."_

_

* * *

_

So Deadpool went to visit the Hokage, the old ninja Hiruzen Sarutobi. "And who might you be?" he asked.

"_I'm here for Naruto Uzumaki, 'cause I'm kinda supposed to kill him," Deadpool replied. "But he looked so cute and innocent that I couldn't bring myself to do it."_

"_Who hired you?" Sarutobi asked, tensing into a combat-ready stance. "Was it Iwagakure?"_

"_Those punks? No. It was someone from your own village."_

"_That's impossible!"_

"_Impossible? From what I've seen of the kid's quality of life, a lot of people in this village hate his guts, and you know what people do to what they hate? Well, that's what guys like me are for, for when they're too wussy to do something themselves about it."_

"_The penalty for attempting to harm Naruto is death."_

"_Yeah, except if you hire some out-of-town killer to do it, they can't really blame you, now can they? Plausible deniability."_

"_Who hired you? Which one of the villagers hired you to murder Naruto Uzumaki?"_

_Deadpool shrugged. "Some guy with a missing arm and eye."_

_Sarutobi snarled quietly. "Danzo . . ."_

"_You know that creep?"_

"_He's a village elder. We were rivals for the position of Third Hokage. As you can see, I won."_

"_Why would he want Naruto dead? Hell, why does anybody want Naruto dead? He's a good kid. Little hyper, but a good kid."_

_Sarutobi stared at Deadpool. "What I'm about to say doesn't leave this room, and you will not tell Naruto until he's ready."_

"_Can't promise, Gramps. If this is something as serious as you're making it sound, kid probably has a right to know."_

"_Fine, then. Almost six years ago, the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, sealed a terrible monster known as the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox inside a newborn infant, but at the cost of sacrificing his own soul to the Shinigami. That newborn infant . . . was his son."_

_Deadpool looked over Sarutobi's head at the pictures of the past Hokages. He whistled lowly. "No wonder Naruto looked like a little Minato. That was his son! I was about to kill his goddamn son! Ok, now I'm pissed! Where's that asshole?! I'm gonna rip him a new asshole or three!"_

"_How did you know Minato?" Sarutobi inquired._

_Deadpool dropped his henge, revealing a man in a red-and-black costume with twin katana strapped to his person and a red mask with black patches over the eyes concealing his face. "Because Iwagakure hired me to kill him once, during the Third Shinobi War. I figured, 'Hey, if this guy's as good as his rep, I should have fun.' Then I met the guy, and we just . . . kinda clicked. Too much so for me to just off him."_

_Sarutobi chuckled. "Yes, Minato did have a habit of winning people over, even the more intractable of his foes."_

"_And, man, hiring me to kill his son? That's just too low for words. I loved that man like a brother! And that lovely little Kushina like a sister . . . even if she made me wanna forget about the laws concerning sibling sexual relations and just –" He summed up his feelings with a hard pelvic thrust and a guttural grunt. "Yeah, back that up, back that up . . ."_

"_I would advise you to keep your mind on task."_

"_Sorry, old man. Got a condition, but you get where I'm going with this? Kid ain't ever gonna be safe so long as he's here. You might be able to take down that one-eyed, one-armed ass, but what about the others? 'Side from you, I doubt he has any friends here, and you kinda suck at this."_

"_I've done my best to keep Naruto safe."_

"_Not good enough," Deadpool cut in harshly. "The closest thing he is to 'safe' is that nobody's decided yet that your wrath is worth seeing that kid dead."_

_Sarutobi had to acknowledge that there was some truth to the masked assassin's words. As long as Naruto remained in this village, he would be hated. As long as he was hated, he would not get the care he needed. As long as he didn't get the care he needed, he wouldn't be able to flourish as a shinobi of the Leaf, let alone as his father would have wanted._

_And Deadpool was still talking. ". . . Like those movies say, 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.' That's what's happened here. They feared him because he had a demon inside him and it was the same demon that destroyed a lot of their lives, livelihoods, families, friends, etc. So they took out their anger at the demon on him. And they made him suffer. You wanna know what's gonna happen from there?"_

_Sarutobi almost dreaded the answer, but he had to confirm his suspicions. "What?"_

"_Suffering leads to the dark side. Suffering leads to anger and hate toward the causes of it. Anger and hate are the most reliable paths to the dark side. Naruto has power, even if he hasn't learned to tap it yet. Imagine what'll happen if things keep going the way they are now and he figures out how to use it? You're gonna have a frigging apocalypse on your hands, and it'll be your own damn fault."_

_Sarutobi glared at Deadpool, wanting to find any falsehood in his words . . . only to see none. As regrettable as it was, Deadpool was telling the truth, a truth he realized from his own knowledge of human nature. "What are you going to do?"_

"_Raise him. Teach him how to defend himself. Give him some happy memories. Don't worry. I'll bring him back eventually."_

"_Bring him back at graduation time for the Academy students his age," Sarutobi instructed. "And I'll deal with Danzo."_

_

* * *

_

The first person to react to Deadpool's adoption of Naruto Uzumaki was Theresa Cassidy, a.k.a. Siryn of X-Factor Investigations, a private detective agency involved in mutant affairs. She'd been Deadpool's girlfriend, only to leave when his particular mental disturbances became more than she could bear. It didn't help that Deadpool was a psychotic assassin whose thought processes were so thoroughly chaotic that half the time his attempts at romance were more like those of a blundering jaguar in mating season.

"_Every time I think I know what you'll do, you go and do something completely batty like this."_

"_Yeah, I know. I'm like Batman with Robin, or Wolverine with Kitty Pryde or Jubilee, or all those guys who keep adopting downtrodden orphans from miserable wrecks of ninja villages."_

_Siryn arched a single red eyebrow. "You're insane, Wade."_

"_Just the way I am, baby! But seriously, you should have seen what they were doing to this kid! They were starving him!"_

"_You've never been the type to care about things like that before."_

"_Yeah, yeah, whatever. Point is, kid happens to be the son of an old friend of mine, and I wanted to do my best to do right by the guy. I know I'm not the best one for the job, but . . ."_

"_But something inside you just snapped and you decided to behave like someone with morals," Siryn drawled._

"_Something like that," Deadpool answered. "Anyway, I've gotta admit, I'm not quite up to raising a kid by myself."_

_Siryn smiled. "He could use a good mother, couldn't he?"_

"_Uh-huh, and what better mother than someone who can shatter steel with her voice? That'll definitely keep him in line if he starts trouble."_

_Just then, Naruto burst in. "Wade-papa! Who is that pretty lady you're talking to?"_

"_An old friend of mine," Wade replied. "Soon to be your mother. Theresa, meet Naruto. Naruto, meet Theresa."_

"_Hi!" Naruto greeted eagerly._

_Theresa kneeled down and kissed Naruto on the forehead. "What a sweet little guy you are. Who could possibly hate you?"_

"_Lotta people, but they're not here right now, so . . . are you really gonna be my mommy?" Naruto asked._

_Theresa blushed, looked back at Wade, then at Naruto's smiling face. "Yes . . . I'll be your mommy."_

_

* * *

_

What Deadpool and Siryn didn't know was that Sarutobi had called up Jiraiya to gather intelligence on Deadpool. Figuring he'd need a little backup of the female persuasion, Jiraiya had tracked down Tsunade and her apprentice Shizune, explaining to them what had happened in ten simple words.

"_My godson is in the hands of a killer freak!"_

_That had shocked Tsunade out of her drunken stupor enough to get her moving. Thus, the three of them had found their way to the apartment where Deadpool and Siryn lived with young Naruto. Their mode of entry had been Tsunade punching the door off its hinges and barging in with Jiraiya and Shizune following._

"_What the hell?!" Theresa shouted._

_Deadpool had come out of the room, katana in one hand and handgun in the other. "So . . . you're here for Naruto?"_

"_What the hell do you think you're doing with him?" Jiraiya asked._

"_Raising him," Deadpool replied. "Hell do you think?"_

"_I'm his godfather," Jiraiya stated._

"_Then you should have come and gotten him first, dumbass! I mean, hell, did you see what the kid had to put up with before I got him? Almost nobody was willing to feed or clothe him, and the ones who were overcharged him in the hopes of driving him away! His fridge was full of rotten food, and thankfully there wasn't a girl in there, too! Hell, somebody hired me just to kill him!"_

"_So what are you doing with him now?" Tsunade asked angrily._

"_Raising him, Steel Sugar Tits," Deadpool answered._

"_And what gives you the right?!" Tsunade yelled._

"_Lady Tsunade, please calm down," Shizune pleaded._

"_No, Shizune, I will not calm down," Tsunade answered._

"_Don't make me use these!" Deadpool shouted, waving the katana and the gun. "I will! You keep pushing, I damn well will use them!"_

"_I've got just one thing to ask you before I take you apart," Jiraiya cut in. "Do you read_ Make-Out Paradise?_"_

"_Hell, yeah, I do! I even got a special section of the library here for all your books! Got three of each!"_

"_Why does he need three copies of each?" Shizune asked._

_Siryn sighed. "Because he wears out the original copies he buys . . . so to speak."_

"_And you're married to him?" Tsunade asked._

"_He makes me laugh, ok?" Siryn replied._

"_Yeah, and I'm really good with my mouth. I mean, really," Deadpool interjected. "Wanna see sometime?"_

"_No, I don't," Tsunade rebuffed._

_Just then, Naruto came out of his room. "What's with the noise?" He spotted Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Shizune. "Hi there!"_

"_Well, he seems incredibly well-adjusted for living with a wanton homicidal maniac," Tsunade remarked._

"_Since you guys seem so incredibly hard to persuade to leave me, wifey, and the kid in peace, how about you help me?" Deadpool asked. "We can be one big happy family, just like The Brady Bunch! Or like in Full House!"_

"_As long as you put the weapons down," Jiraiya answered. "Besides, it's not like Naruto deserves to have his only role model be a homicidal nut."_

"_It's also not like Naruto deserves a perverted peeper and writer of smut for a role model," Tsunade added snidely._

_Shizune sighed, mumbling, "And it's particularly not like Naruto deserves a drunken gambler for a role model, Lady Tsunade."_

"_What was that, Shizune?" Tsunade asked._

"_You would make a lovely role model for Naruto, Lady Tsunade," Shizune answered loudly._

"_But that's not what –" Naruto was cut off by Deadpool's hand over his mouth._

"_It's ok, kid. Let it go."_

"_Fine, we'll all try to curb our bad habits so we can be the best role models possible for Naruto," Jiraiya said. "I'll try not to peep so much if Tsunade will try not to gamble so much and Deadpool will try not to kill for everyone who's willing to pay him."_

"_It's official!" Deadpool shouted. "We'll be one big happy family!" He opened his arms wide for Tsunade. "Come here, Sugar Steel Tits!"_

_Tsunade's answer was to punch him in the face with enough force to ensure that Deadpool wouldn't be doing much of anything with his mouth, nose, or eyes any time soon. "Lady Tsunade!" Shizune shouted. "Did you just __**kill**__ him?!"_

"_He's come back from worse than that before," Siryn answered. "Healing factor. He's basically indestructible, no matter what you do to him."_

_So began Deadpool's frequent romance with Tsunade's fist and Tsunade's increasing therapy bills. Fortunately for Deadpool – and unfortunately for the ladies – Jiraiya had found in him a partner for all his perversions. Were it not for the ladies' influence, Naruto would have certainly ended up joining them as soon as he came of age. Despite that, they weren't quite able to keep Naruto from taking on certain other elements of "Wade-papa's" personality._

* * *

In the present, Naruto had just gotten dressed in his new costume, complete with kunai strapped to his thigh, kodachi strapped to his back, and a leather jacket with disk-styled weapons lining his sleeves. "Wow. It fits."

"I have to admit . . . it fits you well," Tsunade remarked.

"Thanks, Tsunade-baba," Naruto said.

"You're welcome, brat," Tsunade replied.

"Do I know how to dress my kid, or what?" Deadpool asked.

"You do have other clothes for him to wear, right?" Jiraiya asked. "He can't go out in that costume all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it," Deadpool waved him off.

"Can we hurry up already?" Naruto asked. "I'm dying to go back to Konoha and take my graduation exam!"

"Sure, just don't be in too much of a rush," Shizune advised. "You'll miss the good stuff."

"Like what, Shizune-neechan?"

Shizune giggled. "You'll see."

* * *

End Notes: And there you have it, the first chapter of "Dead Maelstrom," possibly the first Naruto/Deadpool crossover in fanfic history (unless someone can point me to another one), is complete! Next up on "Dead Maelstrom," Naruto will meet his classmates and future comrades! What friends will he make? What foes will he encounter? How the hell will Konoha survive a Deadpool-raised Naruto? For the answers to those questions and others, read on!


	2. Deadly Vortex Naruto

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 2: "Deadly Vortex Naruto"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Viz. Deadpool belongs to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I make no monetary or other material profit from this story whatsoever.

Author's note: The reviews I've gotten from you so far are very rewarding in their enthusiasm for this story. As many of you demanded, this is an update, and it will show you just how Naruto deals with his graduation exam . . . and his classmates, particularly a cute shy blue-haired girl named Hinata. All I can say is . . . hang on for the ride!

* * *

The two ninja guarding the gate to Konoha were bored, bored out of their skulls. Hardly anybody was showing up, and the few that did show weren't very interesting . . . until _this_ bunch. There were six in total, three women, two men, and a boy.

The women were quite beautiful in their own ways. One was blonde with her hair tied in two tails and an unbelievably large bust almost spilling out of her gray gi. The second was a more understated brunette beauty in a humble dark purplish-gray kimono. The third was a redhead wearing a strange cape-like garment over a black blouse, corset, and pants.

One of the men had long wild white hair and red tribal-looking marks below his eyes, his outfit a red vest over grayish-beige clothes. The other man wore a largely red costume with black accents along the shoulders and sides, while a red mask with black patches around the eyes concealed his face. Straps adorned his costume to hold his weapons, which included twin katana and a pair of strange weapons that almost resembled boomerangs, but thicker and with some kind of trigger in the crook.

The boy with them was dressed very similarly to the costumed man, except there was more black in his costume, namely his pants, the sides and shoulders, and the cuffs of his gloves. He wore a mask similar to that of the costumed man, except also with more black. Specifically, the black patches over his eyes nearly took up the entire "face" in a kind of "Y" shape and there was a hole in the top to expose a messy mop of blond hair. A specific difference between them was that the boy was wearing a jacket with strangely designed disks lining the sleeves and he had a belt of kunai strapped to his thigh.

"Halt!" one of the guard ninja shouted.

All six showed their passports to the ninja. "Oh!" one of the ninja exclaimed with recognition. "Jiraiya-sama, Tsunade-sama, we're sorry we didn't recognize you."

"No harm done," Jiraiya answered. "Would you like to let us through? We have to see Lord Hokage."

"Yes, of course," the other ninja responded.

Soon enough, the six of them – Jiraiya and Tsunade of the Sannin, Shizune, Naruto Uzumaki, Wade Wilson, and Theresa Cassidy – were walking into the Hidden Leaf Village.

"Been a long time," Jiraiya remarked, looking at the sights.

"Yeah, I never thought I'd see this place again," Tsunade added.

"Mind if we get something to eat? I'm hungry," Deadpool (Wade) whined.

"You're always hungry," Siryn (Theresa) commented snidely.

"Babe, you might be able to afford to starve yourself, but I can't! I gotta keep my strength up for the next fight!" Deadpool exclaimed.

"And who says I starve myself?" Siryn asked.

Deadpool giggled almost insanely. "Just kidding. Seriously, thank God you're not like those girls who vomit up everything they eat. I like not seeing good food go to waste."

"There should be a ramen stand somewhere near here," Naruto remarked.

"You and your ramen, kid," Deadpool commented, ruffling the blond hair sticking out of Naruto's mask.

"Ramen's the food of the gods! I don't care what you say!" Naruto retorted.

"Chill, my good man," Deadpool replied. "You can have your ramen. Heh, everyone's got some kind of favorite food. Like that green-haired immortal girl with the banging ass, she really likes pizza. Huh, might explain why her ass is so big . . . not that I'm complaining . . ."

Siryn, Tsunade, and Shizune all smacked him upside the head.

"Ow, damn! I'm just saying! Sheesh, can't a guy get a break?"

"When that guy's you, no," Tsunade replied. "Be grateful we're in public."

"Typical abusive girlfriend; doesn't want everyone knowing she beats the crap out of me on a daily basis," Deadpool grumbled.

"I thought you liked it when I beat you up."

An insane giggle followed. "Whatever."

The six of them were drawing stares from the people they passed, two because they were part of the Sannin, one because she was foreign, and two because they were dressed quite strangely. When Deadpool caught them staring, he turned to one, drew his gun, and pointed the business end out.

"The frick y'all looking at?"

Nobody wanted to challenge the strangely costumed man pointing a strange weapon that looked as though it could do something very nasty to them should it be used. Then Siryn chopped the arm holding that weapon, causing Deadpool to literally shoot himself in the foot. The noise, though, caused everyone not accustomed to it – which was everyone in the area that was a resident – to recoil quite visibly.

"Well, crap, that hurt," he uttered.

"What kind of jutsu was that?!" one of the villagers asked.

"It's the 'Bang-Bang-You-Go-Dead no Jutsu!'" Deadpool shouted. "Remember it!"

"Wade . . ." Siryn growled warningly.

"Uh, sorry about pointing this gun at you!" Deadpool shouted at the villagers.

There was all manner of whispering going on, most of it of the "What kind of man is he?" variety. Deadpool, for his part, just pulled the bullet out of his foot, greatly facilitating his body's accelerated healing response, and continued walking, with the others looking at him rather perplexedly.

Except for Naruto, of course, who was asking Deadpool, "When do I get my own guns? I wanna do Bang-Bang-You-Go-Dead no Jutsu!"

"Kid, you'll get your own guns once you become a Chunin," Deadpool replied. "Till then, you stick with the swords and the kunai and the disks. But don't worry . . . the disks can do even more damage than a gun sometimes. Kind of like Boom-Boom-All-You-Assholes-Go-Dead no Jutsu!"

Tsunade palmed her face. "This man is insane."

"You did your best, Tsunade," Jiraiya comforted her. "Even your medical techniques can only go so far with someone like that."

"Well, at least we can bear to look at him without his mask now," Tsunade observed.

"Uh, yeah . . ." Shizune murmured.

"Shizune!" Tsunade exclaimed. "Don't tell me you're starting to get the hots for that nut!"

Shizune's face turned red with embarrassment, which Deadpool spotted. He sidled up to Naruto so he could whisper in his ear. "Hey, kid, what do you think the chances are of Theresa agreeing to let me invite Shizune for a three-way?"

"About the chances of me getting my own harem," Naruto replied dryly.

"So really, really good, then!" Deadpool concluded.

"And how the hell did you conclude that?"

"Simple! All the time when some mysterious new badass shows up in town, all the ladies grow weak in the knees for him and they're always willing to do anything to get him, even share him!"

"You read way too much _Make-Out Paradise,_" Naruto grumbled.

"Hey, your parents named you after a guy in those books," Deadpool said. "They were hoping you'd be just as badass as that guy, and thanks to me . . . you're well on your way."

* * *

They eventually made it to Hokage Tower, where they were ushered in and escorted to see Sarutobi. Normally, someone would greet the Hokage by knocking on the door politely. Deadpool's greeting was kicking down the door and performing an unnecessary combat roll that ended with him pointing both guns at Sarutobi's head.

"Wassup, old man?!"

"And just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Sarutobi asked irritably.

"C'mon, old man, aren't you happy to see me?" Deadpool asked.

"Put those damned unsightly things away, and then we'll talk."

"Sure, sure." He put away his guns. "Gimme a hug!"

"No."

"You're mean, old man! Just mean!"

"Quit acting like a baby, Wade," Siryn grumbled. "You _are_ the one who kicked down his door and pointed a pair of guns at his head."

"That's how I greet everyone, babe!" Deadpool answered.

"Yeah . . ." Siryn drawled disbelievingly.

Sarutobi looked over at the "mini-Deadpool," who was actually Naruto. "Naruto? Is that you?"

Naruto pulled down the mask so that it was more like a folded turtleneck collar, revealing his face. "Yeah! It's me, Hokage-jiji! How are you?"

"It's good to see you again, Naruto," Sarutobi answered.

"What, no greetings for your old students?" Jiraiya asked in mock hurt.

"Always a greeting for you, Jiraiya," Sarutobi replied. "You as well, Tsunade. How have you been?"

"It's been an adventure and a half raising this kid," Tsunade responded. "He's a good boy, not for lack of trying on Jiraiya's and Wade's parts."

"But you love us, anyway, right, Sugar Steel –" Deadpool started to say, only to be cut off by a punch to his face. "And after all the hard work you put into fixing up my mug, you're just gonna wreck it yourself?"

"You'll live," Tsunade retorted.

"I never did get to see behind your mask," Sarutobi observed.

"Well, you're still not going to; I've got a rep to protect!" Deadpool declared.

"What rep?" Tsunade asked.

Just then, several ANBU burst in, including one with long purple hair, all of whom had their swords out and pointed at Deadpool. "What are you doing here?" the purple-haired one asked.

"Oh, nothing," Deadpool answered. "Just hanging with Old Man Hokage here. He looks pretty good for his age, but not nearly as good as Bea Arthur!"

The ANBU looked at Deadpool with confusion conveniently hidden by their animal masks. Deadpool just laughed wildly and pointed his guns at two of the ANBU.

"All right. Let's do a little experiment. Are your ninjutsu faster than my bullets?"

Just as one of the ANBU began to quickly perform hand seals, Deadpool punched him in his masked face. "Too slow, bitch!" Flipping into the air to avoid another ANBU's sword, Deadpool switched out his guns for his katana and slapped the ANBU's sword arm with the hilt of one of the katana. Just then, he crossed swords with the purple-haired ANBU.

"Cool! Haven't had a sword fight with a purple-haired ninja babe since Psylocke!"

"Just what is wrong with you?" the purple-haired ANBU asked.

"Nothing! I am what I am, and what I am is awesome!"

Tsunade groaned in irritation and lunged at Deadpool, leaping into the air and coming down with a chakra-charged heel drop that brutally dislocated his shoulder, halting the fight.

Sarutobi looked at the ANBU. "It is all right. Deadpool is not here to harm anyone. He simply has very perverse ideas of what fun constitutes."

"What is he here for?" the purple-haired ANBU asked.

"He's here so that his son by adoption, Naruto Uzumaki, can take the graduation exam," Sarutobi replied.

The purple-haired ANBU looked at the red-and-black-clad Naruto. "That's Uzumaki?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied, smiling impishly at her. "Call me Shirasen, though. I don't want anybody knowing who I am until I'm ready for it, and I've got a graduation exam to take. See ya!" In a flash, he was gone.

"Body flicker?" Sarutobi asked.

"Not quite," Jiraiya replied. "It's a long story, but I'll try to be brief. . . ."

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto had dashed into the Ninja Academy, arriving just as a brown-haired chunin with a scar across the bridge of his nose was about to introduce him.

"Today . . . we'll be having a student over for the graduation exam who's been receiving directed training privately," the chunin, Iruka Umino, was explaining. "His name is . . ."

"Shirasen," Naruto cut in, having pulled his mask back up between leaving Hokage Tower and entering the academy. "That's it."

"All right, 'Shirasen,' take any available seat," Iruka suggested.

"Sure," Shirasen answered, looking out at the assembled students. Eight of them were of particular interest to him, three girls and five boys. One of the girls had long pale blond hair tied in a ponytail and wore a skimpy purple outfit with bandages wrapped around her body underneath it. Another girl had long pink hair, a wide forehead, and wore a red dress. The third girl had dark blue hair, extremely pale purple eyes (almost white), and was dressed in a thick beige coat.

Two of the five boys were sitting next to each other, one with black hair in a upraised tail that vaguely resembled a pineapple and lying back in his chair. The other was quite large, eagerly chomping on potato chips, and had brown hair that stuck out in a way that reminded Naruto of Beast or Wolverine of the X-Men.

Another two of the five boys were sitting next to each other as well, although not quite as distracted as the first pair seemed to be. One of the boys wore a gray coat with the collar upturned to conceal the lower half of his face, while his eyes were concealed with round-framed sunglasses. The other boy wore a gray jacket with a black-furred hood over his head and bore fang-like red tattoos on his cheeks, while a small white puppy sat on his head.

The last of the five boys wore a blue shirt, had black hair that was styled almost like a duck's tail, and had an expression that seemed to be somewhere between boredom and quiet rage.

_That guy . . . I'm gonna have to keep an eye on him._

As he was contemplating this, he was also walking up to find his seat. When he spotted the blue-haired girl, he smiled mischievously beneath his mask and plopped down next to her. "Hey there."

"Umm . . . hi . . ." the girl whispered.

"What's your name, cutie?"

"Hi . . . Hina . . . Hinata . . ."

Shirasen grinned widely underneath his mask. "Someone so cute shouldn't be so shy."

Just then, Iruka interrupted with the announcement of the written part of the exam. As the papers were distributed, Shirasen just yawned. "When do we get to the good part?"

"Once you've finished this part," a silver-haired chunin named Mizuki replied.

"Gotta do what I gotta do," Shirasen murmured, picking up his pencil and answering each question to the best of his ability.

Mercifully, the written part of the exam eventually ended, segueing into the demonstrative parts of the exam. Weapons accuracy, taijutsu ability, and expertise with basic ninjutsu such as Transformation, Substitution, and Clone were all tested.

Shirasen decided to show off on the first part by taking all three of the silver kunai on his thigh belt and throwing them at the target at once. The three kunai hit the center of the target in such a way that they could have formed a crooked triangle. In taijutsu, each student had to take on Mizuki and last at least three minutes. Shirasen lasted for six minutes, mainly by constantly shouting insanities like "Dodge, bitch!" and "Ooh ah, ah, ah, ah! Get down with the funk!" and "I'm in yo' academy, owning yo' ass!" while jumping around like a meth-addicted rabbit.

"Will you stop that?!" Mizuki yelled, getting fed up.

"No. Now stop trying to hit me and actually hit me, damn it! Hit me, hit me, hit me!"

"Oh, my God . . . he's completely insane . . ." the "pineapple-headed" boy, Shikamaru Nara groaned. "What a drag . . ."

Iruka finally ended the match, just as Mizuki was about to just "screw the rules" and make an actual attempt on Shirasen's life . . . or Shirasen was about to just flip out and do something that would probably live on forever in the nightmares of everyone watching.

"You lucky, bitch," Shirasen taunted Mizuki. "You frigging lucky!"

"You maniac . . ." Mizuki growled. "Who are you?"

"You know who I am . . . your friendly neighborhood Shirasen!"

They moved on to ninjutsu, with the students demonstrating their proficiency – or lack thereof – in Transformation, Substitution, and Clone Techniques. When Shirasen's turn came, he decided to show off a bit.

"Here's an original for your punk asses! Came up with this myself!" With a snap of his fingers and a giant puff of smoke, Shirasen was gone . . . replaced by an incredibly sexy naked woman with a mask covering the lower half of her face and wisps of smoke covering her naughty bits.

All the boys gaped at "her," while the blonde and pink-haired girls just scowled discontentedly. It didn't help matters much that "she" winked at them . . . and even began feeling "herself" up just to tease them.

"What the hell?!" Iruka yelled, just as Shirasen reverted to his true gender. "What kind of stupid trick is that?!"

"My Sexy Technique!" Shirasen replied. "Ain't it cool? Imagine the ways you could distract the enemy with it!"

"You have to admit . . . it is a perfect replication of the female form," Mizuki grumbled.

When demonstrating the Substitution Technique, Shirasen picked up a chalk eraser and threw it at the brooding black-haired boy . . . only to switch places with the chalk eraser just as said boy grabbed him by the arm. "What's up?"

The brooding boy in blue just glared at Shirasen, who shrugged and returned to his original position in a burst of almost undetectable speed. "And now . . . well, you wanna see my clones?"

"Yes," Iruka replied.

Shirasen punched the wall and generated three clones. Those clones punched the wall, creating three more clones from each of them. "Baker's dozen," all 13 Shirasens commented. One tilted his head to look at the blonde (Ino Yamanaka), the pink-haired girl (Sakura Haruno), and the blue-haired girl (Hinata Hyuga), along with the other female students. "More than enough of me for all of you!"

Sakura huffed. "Who does that maniac think he is?!"

"What kind of Clone Technique is that?" Iruka asked.

"The short version is, I absorb kinetic energy from forceful physical contact, mix it with my chakra, and splinter it into a clone of myself. Depending on how hard I'm hit or how hard I hit, I can make several clones at once."

"Interesting . . ." Mizuki murmured.

"So do I pass?" Shirasen asked.

"Yeah," Iruka admitted.

* * *

After everyone had taken the bands that marked them as shinobi of the Leaf, Iruka instructed them to return tomorrow to be assigned their teams and jonin-sensei. As they were leaving, Iruka called back Shirasen.

"You wanted to talk to me?" the masked boy asked.

"Yeah," Iruka replied. "Where did you learn to fight like that? I've never seen a style so chaotic . . . and yet so effective."

"It's not that hard," Shirasen answered. "I just piss people off until they can't think straight and thus become incredibly easy to beat."

"You mind meeting me at the ramen stand tonight? My treat."

"Why so nice to me? You aren't gonna molest me, are you? 'Cause I'd have to kick your ass if you tried that."

Iruka looked aghast. "No! I just want to get to know you better."

"Sure. Whatever. I'll see you there."

"Thanks, Shirasen . . . and why do you insist on being called that?"

"It suits me," was Shirasen's simple answer.

Later that night, Shirasen was on his way to meet up with Iruka when he spotted Mizuki. "Hey. You. What do you want?"

"I have a special test for you," Mizuki replied.

"What's that?" Shirasen asked.

"Break into Hokage Tower and retrieve the Forbidden Scroll," Mizuki answered.

"And why would I do something like that?"

"It's a special test to prove whether you really have what it takes to be a shinobi. It isn't just about fighting and ninjutsu; avoiding detection when on a mission is very important, too. Or don't you have what it takes?"

"Screw you, that scroll's as good as mine."

"Good. Meet me in the Forest of Death after you've retrieved the scroll. I'll be waiting for you."

"Whatever," Shirasen grumbled, setting about on his mission. He had no idea why Mizuki wanted him to swipe the Forbidden Scroll, but if it was some kind of training thing, fine. He'd return it when he was done, anyway . . . but he'd also drop a dime in case Mizuki wasn't telling him the whole story.

* * *

Using timed bursts of super-speed, Shirasen evaded the guards in Hokage Tower and slipped into the scroll room. He looked around for the seal that would mark the Forbidden Scroll, and when he found it, he whistled lowly. "Pretty big scroll. Must have lots of goodies in there."

He picked up the scroll, mounted it on his back, and zipped out in another timed burst of super-speed. He had left a note for the Hokage, however, saying, "Mizuki's idea. Says it'll help measure my stealth and infiltration abilities. Not sure he's on the up and up. Meeting him in the Forest of Death. Bring reinforcements."

Sarutobi picked up the note, and scowled after reading it. He knew what he had to do now, and just the perfect people to call.

When Shirasen entered the Forest of Death, he shouted, "Yo, Mizuki! I got the scroll!"

"Good," Mizuki answered, stepping out of the shadows. "Now give it to me."

"No, Naruto! Don't do it!" they heard Iruka shout.

Shirasen and Mizuki turned to face Iruka. "What do you care, Iruka? Come on, you want this as badly as I do!"

"No, I don't!" Iruka answered. "Naruto isn't the same as what he has sealed inside him!"

"Isn't the same as what? What are you talking about?" Shirasen asked.

"The reason this village hated you so much . . . why no one wanted anything to do with you . . . _you_ are the monster that destroyed and ended so many lives in this village, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox in human visage!" Mizuki declared furiously, as he hefted a large shuriken off his back and threw it at Shirasen. "Now die, you damned demon!"

Iruka lunged at Shirasen to hopefully protect him, but Shirasen had already dodged the large shuriken and was now in Mizuki's face. "Demon, am I? That it? I'm some kind of monster reincarnated?"

"You're not, Naruto! You're not!" Iruka insisted. "The Fourth Hokage simply trapped it inside your body! You are the living prison of the Demon Fox, the first and last line of defense this village has against another rampage from that monster! You're not the same as it!"

"And how do you know?" Shirasen asked.

"Because I feel . . . that we're kindred spirits, Naruto," Iruka answered. "I only wish I could have done more for you before you left the village."

"What a laugh!" Mizuki mocked. "Just for that, I think I'll kill you along with him!" Just as he was about to attack, Shirasen restrained him with a multitude of clones, all of which were brandishing kodachi very threateningly.

"You go near Iruka . . . I'm gonna cut you into pieces," Shirasen threatened, all humor and joviality gone from his voice.

At that moment, a small platoon of ANBU and jonin – including the purple-haired ninja, a silver-haired man with his band tilted over his left eye, a bearded man who somewhat resembled Sarutobi, a bandana-wearing man brandishing a katana, and another purple-haired woman in a trench coat and fishnets – arrived. Accompanying them were Jiraiya, Tsunade, Shizune, Deadpool, and Siryn, none of whom were looking all that happy.

"Just like I said," Deadpool said. "Crazy don't equal stupid!"

"Why did you want the Forbidden Scroll?" the silver-haired man wearing his band like an eye-patch asked.

"Not telling you that," Mizuki snarled.

"Fine," Shirasen said. "Epic beatdown time, bitch!"

For the next five minutes, Shirasen's clones played catch, using Mizuki as the ball and transferring him between each other with vicious hits that also created more clones to perpetuate the game. Once that was over with, the lead clone tossed Mizuki's brutalized body to the woman in the trench coat and fishnets. "All yours, 'Nets!"

"Thanks, kid," the woman, Anko Mitarashi, answered. "I'm gonna see to it that he gets the _finest_ treatment while in custody." The sadistic leer on her face pretty much belied her seemingly charitable words.

"You're an interesting one, Naruto Uzumaki," the silver-haired jonin remarked. "Maybe we'll see each other again."

"Why does everyone keep using my real name?" Shirasen asked.

"Well, 'Deathspiral,' 'Naruto' is the name we've been using since we met you," Siryn remarked sarcastically. "And it's the name we're going to keep using for you. So deal."

Shirasen chuckled resignedly. "Yes, Theresa-mama."

* * *

End Notes: Well, there you go. Naruto has graduated from the Academy and is already making waves! How will his teammates react to him? How will he react to his teammates? Will he get anywhere with Hinata? Will Deadpool ever stop his antics, particularly where Tsunade, Siryn, and Yugao are concerned? Why are you even waiting around for me to answer all these silly questions? Get to the next chapter already!


	3. Nitro Whirlpool Naruto

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 3: "Nitro Whirlpool Naruto"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Viz. Deadpool, the X-Men, and all associated characters belong to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I make no money whatsoever from this story, and I don't get any other kind of material compensation, either.

Author's note: Glad you're having fun with this story so far, everyone. It's only going to get wilder, as Naruto/Shirasen meets his teammates and sensei, and maybe gets into a little romance. Whether that romance is one-sided or not, only time will tell. It's about to get real, so let's go.

* * *

"Ninja, baby! Ninja!" Naruto shouted. "And I got paid, too! Man, I got so much cool stuff I wanna buy!"

"As much as I'm down with the excess and all, at least put some of it away for when you really need something," Deadpool suggested.

"Sure, Wade-papa," Naruto answered.

"How does it feel?" Siryn asked.

Naruto fingered the identifying band around his right leg. "It feels awesome, Theresa-mama! I'm gonna kick so much ass it ain't gonna be funny! Oh, wait . . . it will!"

"Don't let it go to your head," Siryn advised, ruffling Naruto's hair.

"Sure, sure, Theresa-mama," Naruto replied. "Anyway, I gotta hit the Academy. Got a sensei to meet . . . and a cute girl I really need to get out of that heavy jacket . . ." A perverse grin formed on his face before he raised his mask to cover his face and jumped out the window backwards.

"Oh, my God . . . please tell me he isn't talking about who I think he's talking about," Jiraiya uttered.

"Huh?" Deadpool asked, utterly confused. "Who's he talking about?"

"I believe Jiraiya believes Naruto is talking about Hinata Hyuga," Tsunade explained.

"Hinata Hyuga?" Deadpool repeated. "Sweet!"

Shizune, Tsunade, Siryn, and Jiraiya all looked at Deadpool, Jiraiya with a knowing expression and the women just looking confused. Deadpool just laughed. "You don't get it?! The quiet ones are always the freakiest!"

That got him punched in the face by Tsunade. "Wade, quit being stupid."

"It ain't stupid if it's true!" Deadpool exclaimed. "Besides, Hinata always turns out to be a cute little pervert-in-training in these things. Have you ever read 'Icha Icha Duo'? It's awesomely perverted!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Tsunade grumbled.

"Nobody does," Siryn remarked. "But he's funny, anyway."

"Thanks, babe!" Deadpool shouted. He then proceeded to give her a big sloppy kiss on the lips _through his mask._

"That is the freakiest thing I've ever seen," Shizune said. "How does he do that?"

"Ask Spider-Man," Deadpool replied. "He and Black Cat Frenched through his mask once."

"Sometimes, I don't know how I haven't killed you yet," Tsunade murmured.

"Because you'd miss me too much," Deadpool piped up. "I'm that awesome."

"Shut up, Wade," Tsunade grumbled.

"I just hope he doesn't get put on the same team as Sasuke," Jiraiya remarked. "Otherwise, Naruto might flip out and kill him."

"Wouldn't we be better off that way, anyway?" Deadpool asked. "That's how it always turns out in these things."

* * *

As this chatter was going on, Shirasen had arrived in the Academy and spotted Hinata, Shino, Kiba, Shikamaru, Choji, and Sasuke, along with several other students who'd passed the graduation exam. "You, quit scowling! You, quit sleeping! You, mind sharing those chips?! You . . . just keep doing what you do. And you . . ." He sauntered toward Hinata. "How about you let me give you a little sunshine?"

Hinata blushed. "Um, Shirasen-kun . . ."

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Kiba asked.

"Just getting to know this cutie here," Shirasen answered flippantly. "Besides . . . haven't you noticed how pretty she is when she blushes? It's like the sun shining through her face . . ."

That simply made Hinata blush even more, as Shirasen reached out to play with the identifying band around her neck. "That guy's asking to die. What a drag," Shikamaru groaned.

"Shirasen-kun . . ." Hinata murmured, as Shirasen leaned closer to her.

"Don't you think it's a little warm to be wearing such a heavy jacket?" he asked, taking the zipper tab for her jacket between his fingers and slowly pulling it down.

"Shirasen-kun . . . d-don't . . ."

"Just trying to help you out a little." Once the zipper was completely undone, he nudged the jacket open . . . allowing him to see that Hinata Hyuga had a very impressive bust for her young age. "Wow. Maybe you had a good reason for the jacket, after all. The boys wouldn't give you a moment's peace if they saw these."

Hinata blushed even more, particularly when Shirasen's gloved hand gently slid up her side.

"You bastard, get off her!" Kiba yelled, lunging at Shirasen . . . only for Shirasen and Hinata to not even be in the same spot anymore by the time he reached it. When he looked around for where they were, he found Shirasen, mask off but his blond hair obscuring much of his face, kissing Hinata passionately while sitting her on the table . . . and Hinata was kissing him back! "What the hell?!"

"Looks like she likes him," Shikamaru remarked.

Just then, Sakura and Ino arrived, both fighting their way through the door to see who'd get in first. When they stumbled in, their interest was immediately piqued by the sight of Shirasen and Hinata making out on Iruka's table. They also noticed the boys gaping in slack-jawed shock . . . with the exception of Shino, whose face was almost entirely concealed by his sunglasses and coat collar, and Sasuke, who didn't seem like he could care less.

"What's that pervert doing to Hinata?!" Sakura asked.

"Um, making out with her, forehead," Ino replied snottily. "Weren't you in class that day?"

"Shut up, Ino-pig!" Sakura snapped irritably.

What neither girl was willing to admit was that they probably wouldn't mind it so much if Sasuke had shown even half as much interest in ether of them as Shirasen was showing in Hinata . . . and judging by the passionate scene before them, she was just as interested in him. Their reverie was broken, though, when Iruka came in and saw what his table was being used for.

"Shirasen! Hinata! Stop that at once!"

When they'd stopped, they'd stopped with Shirasen's hand on her left breast . . . and Hinata had fainted from the shock of being seen by Iruka in such a compromising position. Shirasen just pulled his mask up to conceal his face, scowling irritably the entire time. "You're a real cock-blocker, you know that, Iruka?"

"Naruto, the Academy is not the place for you or Hinata to be indulging your teenage hormones," Iruka retorted sternly.

"So that's what you've been covering up," Shikamaru drawled. "Where'd you get those tattoos?"

"None of your business," Shirasen (Naruto) answered archly.

As much as Sakura and Ino hated to admit it, Shirasen – Naruto – was kind of cute under his mask. Wild blond hair hanging in his face, blue eyes that glimmered with mischief and mayhem and energy, lips that seemed to be permanently fixed in a "what the f#$% are _you_ gonna do about it?" smirk, and those tattoos that almost resembled whiskers on his cheeks . . . Both of them had to metaphorically throw cold water on their faces by reminding themselves of the boy they were actually here for.

After Hinata had been awakened, she and Shirasen returned to their seats, allowing Iruka to begin reading out team assignments. ". . . Team 7 will be Sasuke Uchiha . . . Sakura Haruno . . ."

A cheer came from Sakura. "Take that, Ino-pig! True love conquers all!"

". . . and Naruto Uzumaki, or as he insists on calling himself, Shirasen."

"What?!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Whatever, Little Miss Itty-Bitty Titties," Shirasen commented. "You'll be lucky if Sasuke even so much as glances in your direction."

"Why I got stuck with a maniac like you . . ." Sasuke murmured.

"Well, look at it this way, Sasuke . . ." Shirasen answered as he jumped onto Sasuke's table to glare at him up close and personal. "I'd rather be a maniac than a repressed jackass like you."

"Naruto, do you mind getting down from there so I can finish?" Iruka asked. "And not insulting your teammates?"

Shirasen whirled while still on the table, only to lose his balance and fall headfirst into Sasuke's lap. "Oh, God . . . this is so freaking wrong."

Sasuke's face was flushed, although whether it was from rage or embarrassment or some odd combination of the two or even something else entirely was something Shirasen didn't care to find out.

"Loser . . . get your head off my lap," he growled.

"What's the matter, enjoying it too much?" Shirasen taunted, lifting his head to give Sasuke a taunting smirk . . . not that Sasuke could see it, given that Shirasen's mask was still on.

Sasuke growled at Shirasen, only for Shirasen to get up and see a bunch of very angry girls . . . with Sakura at their head . . . looking at him with murder in their eyes. Shirasen's response was to laugh wildly.

"Come on, babes! You want some of this? Come on, then!"

Thankfully, the girls backed down almost immediately, except for Sakura, who really wasn't intimidated by Shirasen's "madman act." "What kind of sicko are you?" she asked angrily.

"The kind of sicko who'll kick ass and take names," Shirasen replied cockily.

"Ahem," Iruka interrupted. "Team 7's jonin-sensei will be Kakashi Hatake. Team 8 will be Hinata Hyuga . . . Kiba Inuzuka . . . and Shino Aburame."

Shirasen looked at Hinata and smiled at her, despite the fact that she couldn't see it. "Take care of yourself, babe."

Hinata blushed, while Kiba growled at Shirasen, who just looked at Kiba and smiled. "You better look out for her while I'm gone. Or I'll stab you in the hand."

"What kind of nutjob are you?!" Kiba asked.

"The kind of nutjob who looks out for his lady," Shirasen replied.

"She doesn't even know you!"

"She'll get to know me. We'll have plenty of opportunities to get to know each other better."

"Team 8's jonin-sensei will be Kurenai Yuhi," Iruka went on. Shirasen tuned him out until he got to Team 10. "Team 10 will be Ino Yamanaka, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akimichi. The jonin-sensei for this team will be Asuma Sarutobi. Now your sensei will all show within the hour, so . . . try not to kill each other while you're waiting."

"If anybody dies, it ain't my fault!" Shirasen exclaimed. "That's natural causes, man!"

"You're a natural disaster," Ino remarked.

"Yeah, and when I blow through, you're gonna be missing those clothes . . ." Shirasen teased.

Ino glared at Shirasen. "Pervert!"

* * *

The first jonin-sensei to arrive was a red-eyed, black-haired woman in a white dress that seemed to be made almost entirely of bandages with a red right sleeve. "Hello. I'm Kurenai Yuhi. Everyone in Team 8 please stand up."

Shirasen whistled. "Hello, nurse!"

Kurenai looked at Shirasen. "Hello. And who might you be?"

Shirasen darted over to Kurenai. "Shirasen, future Hokage and master of the known world at your service." He did a dramatic bow for emphasis. "And you . . . I've heard great things about you. I'm sure Hinata-chan is safe with you."

"Would somebody have themselves a little crush on Hinata?" Kurenai asked.

"I wouldn't define my feelings as a crush," Shirasen answered. "That's for silly little children." He looked past Kurenai and directly at Sakura and Ino as he said those last five words. "No, my feelings could be compared more to a volcano that threatens to erupt at any instant, such is the strength of my passion."

"How charming of you," Kurenai remarked. She leaned closer to whisper in Shirasen's ear. "If you're just toying with her, I'm going to make you suffer."

"Duly noted, Kurenai-sensei." This time, there was no suaveness or humor in his voice, complete seriousness having overtaken him.

"Good." Kurenai ruffled his hair and took her students away, although Hinata sent a last wistful look at Shirasen, who waved jauntily at her.

Eventually, the other sensei showed up for their teams as well, all but the sensei for Team 7. "I'm gonna go out for a minute," Shirasen said.

"Shirasen! If sensei shows up while you're out, you might get in trouble!" Sakura warned.

"Like I care," Shirasen answered. "And like you care, too. Don't you wanna be alone with Sasuke-sama?" He dashed out of the room and away from the Academy. He came back mere minutes later with a bucket full of some strange mixture of chalk powder and white liquid, as well as some accoutrements that he began rigging up on the door.

"What are you doing?" Sakura asked.

"Making Sensei Tardy pay for being late," Shirasen answered, while giggling almost psychotically. "This is gonna be so good . . ."

"Shirasen! He'll kill you!"

"No, he won't. I won't let him."

Once he'd finished rigging the door to drop the bucket's contents on the head of whoever came through that door, Shirasen stood back with a gleeful smirk hidden by his mask. "Now we just watch and wait."

Soon enough, a tall man with a shock of silver hair standing up and garbed in the standard jonin uniform with metal-backed gloves and a mask concealing the lower half of his face walked in through the door. Shirasen's trap was sprung, and the unusual mixture of chalk powder and the strange white liquid fell on his head.

Shirasen laughed madly. "Serves you right for coming late!" He whistled once he realized who'd been the victim of his prank. "Kakashi. Who knew you were such a tardy asshole?"

Kakashi Hatake wiped some of the mixture off his masked face and gazed at it. "Tell me this isn't what I think it is."

"It is," Shirasen confirmed.

"What is it?" Sakura asked, almost fearing the answer.

"What some of my guy friends where I used to live call 'pimp-juice,'" Shirasen answered.

Sakura didn't get it for a moment. Then she shrieked. "_Shirasen, you perverted sicko!"_

"I am what I am!"

"My first impression is . . . I hate you. All of you," Kakashi stated. "Especially you, you masked maniac."

"Look who's talking!" Shirasen retorted.

"I'm going to shower and change," Kakashi stated calmly. "Wait for me on the rooftop."

"You'd better not be late," Shirasen grumbled. "Or I'll do worse."

"Yes, I'm sure you will," Kakashi drawled, and went off.

* * *

When Kakashi had managed to get himself cleaned and in a new jonin outfit, he greeted Sasuke, Sakura, and Shirasen on the rooftop. "All right, time for you to introduce yourselves."

"And how do we do that?" Shirasen asked. "Age/sex/location?"

Sakura moved to slap Shirasen upside the head, but Shirasen caught her hand. "Babe, if you're into S&M, wait till the night I take your virginity to get rough with me."

Sakura scowled. "Pervert!"

"All right, I'll show you how it's done," Kakashi said. "My name is Kakashi Hatake. I have some things I like, many things I dislike, and my hobbies and dreams for the future are none of your business. Now you go."

"Sure," Shirasen said. "You can call me Shirasen. I like the people who adopted me when I was six, although they're away a lot. I like the people who take care of me while the people who adopted me are away. I like the _Make-Out_ series, but I think Jiraiya-jiichan is losing his touch. I like ramen a lot. I dislike people who make assumptions about other people before they get to know them and I dislike the time it takes for ramen to properly boil. My hobby is writing a novel which will surpass Jiraiya-jiichan's _Make-Out_ series and my dream is to be the most badass Hokage ever!"

"Shirasen . . ." Kakashi murmured. "That name . . . and your personality . . . remind me of someone I knew once."

"Really?" Shirasen asked.

"That and your costume," Kakashi added. "You wouldn't have been adopted by a man calling himself Deadpool, would you?"

"Yeah," Shirasen confirmed. "Your point?"

Kakashi palmed his face. "No wonder you're so insane." He looked at Sakura. "Your turn."

"I like . . ." Sakura started, but trailed off when she looked at Sasuke, blushing. "I dislike psychotic perverted idiots!" She glared at Shirasen when she said that. "My dream for the future is to . . ." She trailed off again when she looked at Sasuke.

"Your turn," Kakashi said to Sasuke.

"I like nothing. I dislike many things. My dream for the future is more like a dual ambition, to restore the prestige and honor of the Uchiha clan . . . and to kill a certain man."

Shirasen whistled. "Oh, yeah. Now I know the anti-hero of this piece."

"So where do we go from here, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"You prepare for tomorrow morning, when we meet at training ground 7," Kakashi answered. "Don't eat anything; you'll be throwing it up, anyway."

"What's this about?" Shirasen inquired. "You gonna test us again? We already passed!"

"No, that test was just to see who had the potential to become genin," Kakashi explained. "This test will determine whether you have what it takes to actually _be_ genin. Now go home, and get ready for tomorrow. I'll see you at training ground 7." With that said, he body-flickered away, leaving the newly assembled Team 7 to their own devices.

"Sasuke . . ." Sakura started to say. "Do you want to . . ."

"No," Sasuke answered tersely before leaving.

"Don't worry, Sakura," Shirasen piped up. "That brooding punk ain't good enough for you, anyways. How about trading up?"

"I'd be trading _down_ if I went with you," Sakura retorted sharply.

"Ooh, Sakura-chan, you wound my heart!" Shirasen exclaimed dramatically, clutching his chest for effect. "Whatever shall I do if I cannot win your heart?"

"Um, crawl back into the hole you came from?" Sakura suggested snidely.

"It ain't a hole, you know," Shirasen retorted. "It's a very respectable apartment in a decent section of town. You can come see it for yourself."

"Shirasen . . . I'm not going out with you," Sakura stated.

"Yeah, yeah," Shirasen said. "Chase Sasuke all you want. He ain't gonna go for you or anybody else, and it ain't 'cause he's gay, because I doubt he has any sexuality in the first place. So if you wanna go for a sexless vengeance-obsessed brooder, that's your business. I'm just here to offer you a better option. See ya, babe!" Shirasen dashed away at high speed, seemingly vanishing from Sakura's point of view.

* * *

When Shirasen got back to his apartment, he found Jiraiya, Tsunade, Shizune, Deadpool, and Siryn packing their things. "You guys leaving me here?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Jiraiya replied sadly.

Siryn hugged Shirasen. "Don't worry, Naruto. We won't be gone forever. We'll be back to see you in the Chunin Exam finals . . . and we'll even bring some of your friends along . . ."

"Like whom?" Shirasen asked skeptically.

"Oh, I dunno, Layla misses you a lot . . ." Siryn remarked. "So do Monet . . . and Laura . . . and Cessily . . . and Noriko . . . and Tabitha . . . and Betsy . . . and David . . . and Santo . . . and even Julian . . ."

"Oh, yeah . . ." Shirasen murmured, starting to smile under his mask.

"I dunno about you, but I think Betsy's trying to get into the kid's pants," Deadpool mused aloud.

"You're insane," Tsunade groaned.

"Yes, I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not right!" Deadpool retorted.

Siryn shook her head slowly. "Just let Wade have his delusions."

"They ain't delusions, babe!" Deadpool protested. "Can't any of you tell?! Am I the only one who sees it?"

"You're seeing something that doesn't exist anywhere except your demented imagination," Tsunade answerd.

"Still . . ." Jiraiya trailed off, a perverted smirk on his face.

"Good God, why all the men here are perverts . . ." Siryn murmured.

"You married one of them," Tsunade brought up.

"Wade isn't that bad . . ." Shizune muttered.

"So, what are these Chunin Exams about, anyway?" Shirasen asked.

"They're basically a test to see who has the potential to move beyond genin and become chunin, which means more dangerous missions and more responsibility if you get promoted," Jiraiya explained.

"Oh," Shirasen replied. "Well, that ought to be fun! Danger is my middle name!"

"I thought it was Shirasen," Deadpool remarked.

"So where are you guys going?" Shirasen asked.

"I have recon assignments . . . and tracking that bastard of an old friend of mine so he doesn't do any more damage . . ." Jiraiya replied.

"And let me guess, you have your gambling, Tsunade-baachan?" Shirasen asked.

"And I have to go with her so she doesn't drink and gamble everything away," Shizune added somewhat resignedly.

Tsunade pulled down Shirasen's mask just enough to kiss him on his bared forehead. She also took that opportunity to hang her jade necklace around his neck. "You die . . . I'm going to be pissed. Very, _very_ pissed."

"Then I just won't die," Shirasen answered. "And even if I do, I'll come back. That's how it works, you know?"

"No, not really," Tsunade contradicted.

"Then how do you explain Jean-sensei?" Shirasen asked.

"She was possessed and resurrected by a cosmic force," Tsunade replied. "That's different."

"Sure, whatever," Shirasen said. "What about you, Theresa-mama, Wade-papa?"

"I got assignments that need completing," Deadpool answered.

"You mean you're going to kill people," Shirasen replied.

"How the hell do you think we paid the bills, kid?" Deadpool asked. "And what the hell makes you think what you're going to be asked to do as a ninja is any different, other than you're not a freelancer and I am?"

Shirasen paused to think. "Huh. Never thought of it that way."

"It's 'cause you're an idealistic kid," Deadpool replied. "Gonna get that beaten out of you if you go down this path."

"And what about you, Theresa-mama?" Shirasen asked.

"X-Factor Investigations still needs me," Siryn replied.

"That's ok," Shirasen said. "Say hi to Jamie, Pietro, Layla, and Monet for me."

Shizune hugged Shirasen. "We're gonna miss you, Naruto-ototochan."

"I'll miss you, too, Shizune-neechan," Shirasen said as he hugged her back.

"Don't worry, Naruto," Jiraiya said. "I left you a full stock of _Make-Out Paradise,_ everything in the refrigerator is fresh and nothing in the pantry's ready to expire just yet. I even left you some good H-games to play."

"I thought I got rid of those . . ." Siryn groaned.

"That's what you thought," Deadpool remarked with a grin in his voice. "And you know what thinking does to your complexion."

"Wade . . ."

"Ah, babe. Let the kid live a little. Besides, how else is he going to learn about the facts of life?"

"He could stand to learn from someone who isn't a complete pervert," Tsunade grumbled.

"Was I –?" Deadpool got cut off with a punch to the face from Tsunade.

"Let's not make this any more difficult than it is," Tsunade said.

"Well, look at it this way . . . you can have wild parties all you want and not have to worry about cleaning up for a while," Jiraiya remarked. "Or even invite a girl over and christen all the rooms, if you know what I mean!"

"Doesn't that sound like fun?" Deadpool asked.

"Not as fun as having you guys around," Shirasen replied glumly. "But thanks for trying."

"So who's your sensei?" Deadpool asked. "I hope it's Kurenai. Have you seen her? Rowr!"

"No, she's the sensei for Hinata's team," Shirasen answered. "Mine's Kakashi."

"Kakashi . . ." Deadpool echoed. "Man, I remember that kid. He's all grown now, huh?"

"Yeah, and he's a tardy bastard," Shirasen added snidely. "Paid him back good for that."

"Uh, what did you do . . . ?" Jiraiya asked.

"Some chalk powder, some pimp juice . . ."

"Oh, my God! What kind of maniac are you?!"

Shirasen just grinned evilly under his mask.

"You scare me sometimes, kid, and I'm a psychotic assassin who's scared of nothing and nobody!" Deadpool declared. "But never mind. There better be at least one cutie on your team, or I'll be mad!"

"Her name's Sakura Haruno," Shirasen replied. "She's cute, but kinda small in the chest and big in the forehead."

"Man, I was hoping for big in the behind," Deadpool mused.

Both Shirasen and Deadpool got smacked. "You're a corrupting influence, Wade," Siryn remarked.

"Yeah, I am, babe, and you love me for it!" Deadpool announced.

"Well, all that would be fine if she wasn't so obsessed with Sasuke Uchiha . . . punk-ass thinks he's so cool . . . I'll show him . . ." Shirasen trailed off into borderline psychotic ramblings about the ways he'd "make Sasuke [his] bitch" and "show Sakura how much better a man [he was] than Sasuke."

"All this effort over a chick that doesn't even like you . . ." Deadpool mused aloud. "Sounds a lot like a guy I know . . ." He turned to Jiraiya and Tsunade and smirked at them both underneath his mask.

"Hey!" Jiraiya protested. "She'll come to like me just fine one day!"

"Then why's she tangling with the Wolverine?" Deadpool asked before breaking out into a fit of laughter. "Even in a crossover that's supposed to be about me raising Naruto into a god among men, we can't help but reference the guy! He's everywhere! Like a . . . like . . . like something that's everywhere!"

"At least he knows how to behave himself," Tsunade retorted. "Unlike you two."

"We can behave ourselves just fine!" Deadpool and Jiraiya declared at the same time.

"Fine," Tsunade said. "For 24 hours, you can't say or do anything perverted."

"You suck . . ." Deadpool groaned. He regained his spirits and a smirk formed behind his mask. "But then, you _are_ the Legendary Sucker, so it's in your nature to suck. But suck what? Hmmm . . ."

Tsunade growled angrily.

"I love you when you're mad!"

That got him another punch, this time breaking his skull. "Hmm, crap. This is gonna take a while to walk off. . . ."

Shirasen palmed his face. "Sometimes, I think Theresa-mama, Shizune-neechan, and I are the only sane people in this family."

"You? Sane?" Jiraiya asked incredulously.

"Saner than you, hah!" Shirasen replied.

* * *

End Notes: I could go on forever with that scene, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to conclude this chapter right here and let you all bask in the crazy and ask me questions about what's going to happen next. Well, Kakashi's test will be in the next chapter and some things are probably going to be different from canon, given Naruto's greater knowledge of his abilities here.

Of course, Deadpool and co. won't be gone forever, and when they come back, they'll come back with some X-Men! Then there's the matter of explaining just how things worked out between Naruto and his guardians, given the rather "difficult" natures of some of those guardians. You'll see that in various flashbacks depicting Naruto's life with them.

But that's enough talking from me! See you next chapter!


	4. Crimson Whirlwind Naruto

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 4: "Crimson Whirlwind Naruto"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Viz, and Shonen Jump. Deadpool and all related and associated characters belong to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I make no money from and receive no other material compensation for this story.

Author's note: Here is where things really start getting good. You'll not only see how Naruto works with Team 7, you'll also see how Naruto survived having Deadpool for a parent! Things are going to get really, really good here, and I hope you're ready for the ride! Well, ready or not, here it comes!

* * *

The next morning, Naruto woke up, showered, brushed his teeth, had his breakfast of ramen, and got dressed in his costume. Becoming Shirasen once again, Naruto made sure he'd locked up after himself and then sped out of the apartment.

Frankly, the 14-year-old boy wasn't all that ready for being by himself. After being by himself for the first six years of his life, he'd gotten accustomed to always having someone there to come home to. Even if Wade, Theresa, Tsunade, Shizune, and Jiraiya weren't there, there was always Weasel, Blind Al, or even that agent of HYDRA Wade had kidnapped on one of his jobs.

If those three weren't there, either, there was always X-Factor, or the X-Men proper; they were nice people, even the notoriously impatient and arrogant Quicksilver or the gruff, isolationist, and explosively angry Wolverine.

Darting across the rooftops at high speed, Shirasen made it to Training Ground 7, finding Sakura and Sasuke there already. "Hey, what's cracking, little bitches?!" Shirasen announced himself.

Sakura rolled her eyes in annoyance, while Sasuke merely refused to acknowledge him. "Where's Kakashi-sensei?" Shirasen asked. "He better not be late again. I told him what was going to happen if he was late again. I _told that son of a bitch!_"

"Will you calm down?" Sasuke asked. "He's going to be here eventually."

"Just don't do any of your stupid pranks," Sakura groaned.

"My pranks aren't stupid!" Shirasen shouted. "They are unto a thing of legend! You hear that?! Legend!"

"Legend, huh?" Kakashi's voice remarked from behind them.

Shirasen whirled to face him and drew his swords. "There you are, you bastard! Where the hell do you get off making us wait for you?"

"I would tell you where I got off, but that's not for children like you to hear," Kakashi replied.

"So what's this test about, anyway?" Sakura asked.

"Good question, Sakura," Kakashi responded. "You see, this is going to test how well you can operate in the field. Given an objective, you must be able to accomplish it." He dangled two bells in front of them. "See these bells? You have to take them from me. If you don't, you'll get shipped back to the academy and have to wait another year."

"There are only two bells," Sasuke commented sourly.

"Yes," Kakashi confirmed. "Meaning only two of you will actually be able to make it. One of you will have to go back to the academy."

"Ain't gonna be me," Shirasen said. "Sakura, you're with me, right? We don't need duck-butt getting in the way."

"Funny, I could say the same thing about you," Sasuke retorted.

Shirasen ignored him. "So, we've gotta take these bells from you. Shouldn't be a problem."

"You're awfully confident," Kakashi remarked. "But you seriously overestimate your chances."

"Whatever, bitch, I can see your knees shaking from here," Shirasen mocked.

"Shirasen, you idiot! What do you think you're doing?" Sakura asked. "He's a jonin!"

"Do I look like I care?" Shirasen asked. "If you're scared, that's fine. But I'm not!" He drew both kodachi and attacked Kakashi in a flurry of high-speed sword slashes.

_He's fast . . ._ Kakashi thought to himself. _But an amateur._

At that moment, Shirasen's high-speed swordplay paid off, with Kakashi being sliced into several pieces – of wood. "What the hell?! What kind of cheap trick is that?!"

Shirasen found a kunai pressed to the back of his neck. "The kind that works," Kakashi answered dryly. "Did you really think you'd be able to get away with an attack like that?"

"Yes," Shirasen replied, dropping and lunging for Kakashi's hip to grab the bells hanging there. Kakashi quickly twisted away from Shirasen, only for Shirasen to flicker out of sight and reappear putting both boots to Kakashi's head. Kakashi twisted away from Shirasen's jump kick, grabbed his ankle with an outstretched hand, and threw him to the ground.

Shirasen rolled onto his feet and pulled a disk off his jacket, pressing the underside of it. _Let's hope I rolled a seven._ He heard a satisfying beeping sound and smiled beneath his mask. "Hell, yeah! Take this, _sensei!_" He threw the disk at Kakashi, who dodged it, only for the disk to embed itself in a tree and then explode, bringing the entire tree down.

"What kind of weapon is that?" Kakashi asked.

"Mini-grenade," Shirasen replied. "Works like an explosive tag, only better."

Kakashi found himself reevaluating his opinion of Naruto "Shirasen" Uzumaki. Deadpool certainly hadn't been messing around while the kid was in his charge. That didn't mean Naruto would win, but it meant Kakashi might have to be a little more careful with him. Still, that didn't mean he couldn't have a little fun while doing it.

Shirasen saw Kakashi pull an orange-jacketed book out of his pocket and begin reading. "What the hell?! You're gonna read _Make-Out_ while fighting me?! You really _don't_ want to live anymore, do you?!"

A furious Shirasen attacked Kakashi at high speed, while Kakashi blocked his attacks with one hand. Getting fed up, Shirasen did a spin kick that knocked Kakashi's copy of _Make-Out Paradise_ out of his hand. Kakashi glowered at Shirasen.

"I _really_ don't like you."

"Screw you, too!"

Shirasen drew a kunai from his thigh-belt and lunged at Kakashi, who blocked his attack with a kunai of his own. The two clashed kunai, blocking, parrying, feinting, dodging, and attacking to no avail on either side. Kakashi was simply too good to be hit by Shirasen, and Shirasen was too fast and too chaotic for Kakashi to get a feel for his movements.

Just as Shirasen feinted again, Kakashi slipped inside his guard to hit him, only to find that he had done exactly as Shirasen wanted. Multiple copies of Shirasen manifested from the one blow, all of them surrounding Kakashi.

"What kind of Clone Technique is that?" Kakashi asked.

"You hit me, and I take the energy from that and use it to make my own doppelgangers," Shirasen explained. "By the way, hitting them isn't going to make them go away. They're not Shadow Clones."

"We'll see," Kakashi said, drawing multiple kunai and jumping into the air to throw them at Shirasen's duplicates. Shirasen and his duplicates all jumped to attack Kakashi, only for Kakashi to fight them off as they began their inevitable descent back to the ground.

"What is he doing?" Sakura asked.

"Maybe the loser isn't as pathetic as I thought," Sasuke muttered, so lowly Sakura couldn't hear him. "But I'm still going to get those bells." He began forming hand seals. "Fire Move: Fireball Technique!" He breathed out a huge fireball at Kakashi, only for Kakashi to twist out of the way of the infernal attack. Not so lucky were Shirasen and his doppelgangers, who were engulfed in the blast.

Kakashi landed on a tree and kicked off onto the ground. "Sasuke, that was very reckless of you. Your teammate might be dead now."

When the smoke cleared, Shirasen could be seen rising to his feet and looking more than a little singed. "Come on, Kakashi-sensei, it's gonna take more than a little match-play to kill me so easily."

"My turn now, Shirasen," Sasuke said, stepping up to the plate. He threw multiple kunai at Kakashi, who dodged them, only to leave himself open for an ambush by Sasuke, who had moved behind him and thrown a roundhouse kick at his head. Kakashi blocked his kick, only for Sasuke to twist and punch him. When Kakashi blocked that as well, Sasuke twisted around for another kick, only to be blocked again.

When Sasuke made a grab for Kakashi's bells, Kakashi figured that was the time to disengage. Of course, that didn't stop Sasuke from grazing the bells with his fingertips. Sasuke threw more kunai at Kakashi, and the kunai seemed to impale him, but it was just a log.

_Another replacement!_ Sasuke thought. _This guy's good._

"Where is that son of a bitch!?" Shirasen snarled. Then his senses suddenly began to blur as leaves swirled around him. "What the hell is going on?"

The next thing he knew, he saw a beaten Sakura on the ground, dragging herself to him by her arms. "Shirasen . . . help . . ."

"Sakura!" Shirasen screamed, running to her, only to feel himself tripped up by something and now hanging from it.

"Genjutsu," Kakashi's voice whispered. "Illusion techniques. Perfect for deceiving and ensnaring your opponent."

Sakura and Sasuke were caught in their own illusory traps. In Sakura's case, she saw Sasuke dragging himself along the ground, bloodied, dirtied, and bruised, begging her for help. She immediately ran to his side, only to be neutralized by Kakashi's trap.

As for Sasuke, he saw Kakashi standing there out in the open, with nothing protecting him, obliviously reading _Make-Out Paradise._ He rushed after Kakashi, only for something to grab him by the ankle and pull him down into the ground.

When the genjutsu faded, Shirasen was hanging from a snare trap, Sasuke's head was the only part of his body remaining aboveground, and Sakura was just too befuddled to do anything. "What kind of crap is this?!" Shirasen yelled.

"The kind that works," Kakashi answered. "Sadly, it seems you've failed this test and you'll all have to go back to the Academy."

"Go back to the Academy?" Shirasen repeated. "Screw that noise! I came here to be a ninja!"

"Hmm, I could give you one more chance," Kakashi mused aloud. He tossed a kunai to Sakura, while holding another one to Sasuke's head. "Sakura! Kill Shirasen now, or Sasuke dies!" Sakura stood stock-still, horrified by Kakashi's threat. She couldn't let Sasuke die, but at the same time she wasn't going to kill another person, even if it was Shirasen.

Kakashi looked at the three Academy graduates in his charge. "You know why you all suck?"

"Yeah, why, bastard?" Shirasen asked bitterly.

"Simple. None of you get what it really means to be ninja," Kakashi answered. "You, Shirasen, seem to think being a ninja is all fun and games and a license to use your swords on whoever you wish. You, Sakura, seem to be in this solely to gain the affection of a boy who could care less for that type of relationship with anyone. You, Sasuke, are so arrogant as to believe that your teammates are worthless and will merely hinder you in whatever it is you want to accomplish in your life."

All three teens smarted at Kakashi's words, knowing that quite sadly, he was right about them all. Of course, Kakashi wasn't quite done yet. "Now, I'm going to give you your _real_ second chance."

* * *

And that was how Shirasen found himself tied to a tree, with a box of food on the stump in front of him and Sakura and Sasuke on either side of him. "I'm going to be out for a while," Kakashi said. "Neither of you are to untie or feed Shirasen. This is his punishment for being a psychotically impulsive jackass. I come back and I find him free, you're going to suffer. A lot. Bye now."

After Kakashi flickered out, Sakura and Sasuke looked at the food in front of them and began to eat, slowly. Shirasen just stared. "You know, you could stand to eat more, Sakura," he remarked. "With all the exercise we're gonna get from being ninja, you'll be a fat-burning love machine!"

Sakura seemed to ignore him, turning to Sasuke and saying, "Think we should feed him?"

"Yeah," Sasuke agreed slowly. "He won't be any good to us on an empty stomach."

"How do we get his mask off?" Sakura asked.

"You just grab the edge and pull down," Shirasen explained. "Not that either of you deserve to see my face, but hey. A guy's gotta eat."

Sasuke brought the box over to Shirasen, while Sakura pulled down his mask to reveal his face. "So, how do we do this?" Sakura asked.

"You could always untie me," Shirasen offered. "I'll feed myself."

"Those ropes look kinda complicated," Sakura observed.

"Then you'll have to feed me, won't you?" Shirasen taunted with a cocky smirk.

Just as Sakura was about to do so, the sky darkened, as though it were about to rain. Kakashi's voice could be heard, shouting, "YOU DARE DEFY ME?!"

"Shirasen's our teammate!" Sakura retorted, despite her terror. "We're not going to abandon him!"

A laugh could be heard, as Kakashi faded into sight, his eye crinkled as though he were smiling beneath his mask. "You pass. All three of you pass."

"What the hell?!" Shirasen exclaimed. "Are you yanking our chain? 'Cause if you are, it ain't funny!"

"I'm not," Kakashi replied. "This was the point of the test. To see if you understood the real meaning of being a ninja, and you proved to me that you did."

"You're not making sense!" Sakura exclaimed.

"In the ninja world, those who disobey the rules are considered trash," Kakashi explained. "But those who abandon their comrades are not even worth being called trash."

Shirasen whistled. "You remind me of Cyclops-sensei."

"Cyclops, huh?" Kakashi commented. "Interesting name."

* * *

After being untied and allowed to eat, Team 7 went their separate ways. Shirasen called in to X-Factor headquarters and see if his adoptive mother was there. The one who answered the phone was Madrox. _"X-Factor Investigations, speaking."_

"Jamie-jisan?" Shirasen asked.

"_Hey, Naruto, what's up?"_ Madrox asked.

"Is Theresa-mama there?" Shirasen inquired.

"Sure, kid, I'll put her on for you," Madrox replied. There was a pause, and then Shirasen could hear Siryn's voice.

"_Naruto?"_

"Hey, Theresa-mama. How's everything?"

"_Pretty good. Pietro won't admit it, but he misses you."_ There was a mischievous smile in her voice.

"Wade-papa's all right, right?"

"_Uh-huh. He misses you, though. He spent all of last night watching a video he calls 'Greatest Moments with Me and Naruto.' Had to get Weasel out of there before your dad stabbed him again."_

Shirasen snickered briefly. "That's Wade-papa, all right. What about Jiraiya-jiichan, Tsunade-baachan, and Shizune-neechan?"

"_Jiraiya's off keeping track of those guys again. Tsunade's probably gone back to gambling, and Shizune's most likely gone back to being Tsunade's voice of reason."_

"Just like them, huh?"

"_Yeah. So, you make it?"_

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm gonna raise a little hell while I'm here, so I'm off. Tell Rahne-neechan and Monet-neesama I said hi!"

"_I will, Naruto. Bye now."_

"Bye, Theresa-mama."

* * *

Shirasen hung up and began singing to himself, "Ka-Boom, Ka-Boom – Ka-Boom, Ka-Boom," as he darted across the rooftops of Konoha, looking for Hinata. He wanted to see if she was all right, and maybe sneak in a little make-out time. Ok, so sneaking in a little make-out time was a huge part of the reason he was looking for her, but he really did want to see if she was all right.

It took him a while of peering through windows, but at the speed he moved, it was barely any time at all before he was at Hinata's house. "Damn. Big place."

Getting by the guards was child's play, given his speed and stealth. Yes, Shirasen could do stealth, when he was patient enough, and for a chance to taste Hinata's lips he could be patient. He knocked on Hinata's window softly, which prompted her to answer him.

"Shirasen-kun?"

"Yeah, Hinata-chan," Shirasen confirmed. "It's me. Mind if I come in?"

"No, but . . . my father, he'll . . ."

"He won't find me. And we'll have to stay quiet, now won't we?"

Hinata let Shirasen in, and Shirasen smiled under his mask when he saw that Hinata wasn't wearing her heavy jacket. It was her home, after all; why did she need to cover up? Hinata couldn't see under his mask, but she could swear his eyes were on her with a heat that she wasn't used to feeling from anyone. It made her nervous, and at the same time it exhilarated her.

"Don't be scared," Shirasen whispered. "How's your team?"

"They're all right," Hinata replied. "Kiba is nice. So is Shino."

"And Kurenai-sensei? What about her?"

"She's . . . nice . . ." Truth be told, Hinata didn't want to talk about Kurenai. Not because of the borderline lascivious tone in Shirasen's voice when speaking her name, but because she was going to be living with her soon.

"Something wrong?" Shirasen asked.

Hinata walked closer to him and pulled his mask down, exposing his face to her. "I don't want to talk right now."

"Oh? Then you want to do . . . this?" Shirasen pecked Hinata on the lips, teasingly at first, only to be surprised when Hinata deepened the kiss. "Hinata?"

Hinata glared into Shirasen's eyes, pearl white meeting clear blue. "I said I don't want to talk."

"Fine. We don't have to. But I think . . . you'd feel better if you did."

Hinata kissed him again, deeper and more intensely this time, and Naruto could detect a hint of desperation in her kiss. He recognized that desperation, the desperation to be acknowledged, to be wanted, to not be alone. He recognized it because that desperation had been his companion throughout much of his childhood, and faint echoes of it persisted every time he was left by himself long enough.

_Hinata . . ._

At that moment, they were interrupted by a teenage boy with long brown hair, a black Konoha headband around his forehead, and the same pale eyes as Hinata. "Hinata-sama. Who is this boy and what is he doing in your room?"

Naruto glared at the boy, getting the feeling that he wasn't going to like him one bit. "And what's that to you?"

"The Hyuga clan cannot be seen fraternizing in such a manner with those such as him," the boy answered coldly.

"Do I look like I give a damn about things like that?" Naruto asked. "Really, kid. Try something that'd be likelier to make an impression on me. Like . . ." He started speaking in a deep growl. "_The maggots of hell are waiting to devour your soul once it crosses over!_"

"Neji-niisan," Hinata spoke slowly, trying to fight her impulse to stammer. "Don't worry about him. He's not bothering me."

"If Hiashi-ojisama caught you with him . . ." the now-identified Neji started to say.

"I don't see why he'd care who I spent time with anymore," Hinata answered with a small hint of bitterness.

"Hiashi-ojisama is not expelling you from the family," Neji stated. "He simply no longer thinks this house is a suitable environment to help you grow."

"Nice words, kid, but I can smell abandonment a mile away," Naruto cut in. He coughed. "Sorry. I hate trying to sound like Wolverine-sensei. It hurts my throat."

Neji glared at Naruto. "You're annoying."

"I live to piss off pompous assholes like you and whoever the hell this Hiashi bastard is," Naruto said. "It's why I get up in the morning. That, and the hopes of getting a nice sugar high – wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

"Get out," Neji snarled.

"You'll have to make me," Naruto challenged.

Hinata held up a hand to stop Naruto from attacking Neji. "It's ok . . . Shirasen-kun. I . . . you can go."

As much as Naruto wanted to wipe that look of cold superiority off Neji's face, he knew it wouldn't do any good in the long run. "This isn't over, Neji. If I see you again, you'll be lucky if I let you live." He kissed Hinata passionately one last time, and then jumped out the window and dashed away from the Hyuga manor, pulling his mask back up as he ran.

When he made it back to his apartment, he pulled down his mask and sat on the bed. He figured he'd amuse himself by playing one of the H-games Jiraiya and Deadpool left behind for him, but as fun as it was, it couldn't really divert him from thinking of Hinata. The look of sorrow, loneliness, and abandonment on her face when he'd seen her broke his heart. As he thought of her, he found himself drifting back to when he'd first met Theresa's team X-Factor.

* * *

"_So this is your kid, huh?" Rusty Collins remarked. "Must have gotten his looks from you."_

"_I adopted him," Theresa replied. "But that doesn't mean he's any less my son."_

"_With Deadpool for a dad, good luck raising him right," Julio Richter, a.k.a. Rictor, commented._

_That got him a kick in the shin from Naruto. "Don't talk like that about Wade-papa!"_

"_Ow! Damn, you kick hard!" Rictor exclaimed._

_Rahne Sinclair, a.k.a. Wolfsbane, couldn't help herself, but she covered her mouth in an attempt to hide her giggles, as did Sally Blevins, a.k.a. Skids. Tabitha Smith, nicknamed "Boom-Boom" by her friends, didn't bother, laughing out loud and ruffling Naruto's hair. "Cute kid."_

"_Hey, what's all the commotion?" Jamie Madrox, a.k.a. Multiple Man, asked. He looked at Naruto. "Who are you, kid?"_

"_Naruto Uzumaki, Theresa-mama's son!"_

_Jamie looked at Theresa. "Something you wanna tell me?"_

_A short explanation later, Jamie blinked rapidly. "So you're telling me that Deadpool got hired to kill this kid, but had an attack of conscience and decided to take him in? And you're helping him raise the kid?"_

"_Yeah, basically," Theresa confirmed._

"_Wow . . ." Jamie uttered._

_At that moment, a blue-and-silver blur darted in, stopping to reveal a handsome white-haired young man in a blue-and-silver costume with a lightning symbol separating the two colors. "Kids," he grumbled._

"_Wow, you're cool!" Naruto exclaimed._

_The white-haired man looked at Naruto. "And who are you?"_

"_Naruto Uzumaki!"_

_The white-haired man looked at Jamie and Theresa. "Wanna explain the meaning of this?"_

"_He's my son, Pietro," Theresa declared._

"_Yeah," Naruto agreed. "I am. And you'd better remember my name!"_

_Pietro Maximoff, a.k.a. Quicksilver, chuckled. "I think you might just be worth my time."_

_At that moment, a blond man and a lime-haired woman wearing green lipstick stepped in, both wearing gold-trimmed black uniforms. Quicksilver looked at them. "Alex. Lorna. Guess what Theresa just dragged in."_

_Lorna Dane, a.k.a. Polaris, smiled when she saw Naruto. "Who is he?"_

"_My son," Theresa replied._

"_With whom?" Alex Summers, a.k.a. Havok, asked._

"_Deadpool," Theresa replied._

"_Are you as crazy as that son of a –?" Alex started to yell, but Lorna held up a hand to stop him._

"_It was Deadpool's idea," Theresa explained. "He wanted my help in raising him because he was scared of exactly that, that he wouldn't be a good parent because of his past and his other problems and he wanted a stable influence in Naruto's life."_

"_We might as well help out," Alex said. "Anything to keep Deadpool from being too big an influence on him. But why would Deadpool adopt a kid?"_

"_Someone hired Deadpool to kill him," Theresa admitted. "When Deadpool found out he was just a boy . . ."_

"_. . . He had an attack of conscience – or whatever odd excuse for a conscience assassins-for-hire are supposed to have – and figured to protect the kid himself," Alex finished._

_Naruto kicked him in the shin. "Like I said to that other guy, don't talk like that about Wade-papa!"_

_Lorna chuckled. "Sorry, Alex."_

"_Pretty loyal, huh?" Alex remarked through gritted teeth._

"_Deadpool's one of the few people Naruto's had in his life that actually care one way or the other what happens to him," Theresa explained, ruffling Naruto's hair._

"_Weird," Alex said. "Never would have figured him for that kind of guy."_

"_Wade does have a lot of hidden dimensions," Theresa mused aloud. More to herself, she added, "Some scarier than others."_

* * *

Naruto sighed as he looked at the screen, which was now asking him to make a choice. This choice would impact not only his chances of survival, but his relationship with the main heroine of this route in the game he was playing. Naruto swallowed, imagined the heroine was Hinata, and made his choice.

* * *

End Notes: There you go, a little more insight into Naruto's relationship with X-Factor. To explain, Jamie, Theresa, Alex, Lorna, and Pietro are the X-Factor team proper. Rictor, Wolfsbane, Skids, Rusty, and Boom-Boom are the kids being taken care of by X-Factor until they can be enrolled in the Xavier Institute run by the X-Men.

If you X-Men fans are wondering why the aforementioned line-ups don't properly match up with what you know from the canon, I should mention again that this is A/U not just for Naruto, but for the X-Men Universe as well in some instances. Don't worry, Naruto will have met Cable in this story; after all, where there's Deadpool, Cable will be sure to follow.

Anyway, next chapter's gonna kick off my version of the Wave Country arc, and get ready for some serious mayhem and havoc! Until next time, true believers.


	5. Making Waves

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 5: "Making Waves"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Shonen Jump, and Viz. Deadpool belongs to Fabian Nicieza, Joe Kelly, Marvel Comics, and Marvel Studios. I make no money whatsoever from this story, because I am not connected in any way to any of the people that own either character franchise.

Author's note: And now we go to my version of the Wave Country arc. Will trouble happen? Sure enough. Will complications occur? Sure enough. May love enter the equation? Hell, yeah! Will there be ass-kicking of a most epically hilarious nature? Oh, yeah, baby!

* * *

"I can't believe we're doing this again," Shirasen groaned over the com-link. "How many goddamn times do we have to do it?"

"As many times as she's willing to pay us to do it, loser," Sasuke retorted.

"Who the hell you calling loser, bitch?" Shirasen asked.

"C'mon, Shirasen, focus!" Sakura cut in. "You're the fastest of us, you should be able to catch it!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Shirasen muttered. "Pick on the guy in the colorful red outfit." Then he saw the source of his woes. "There you are, you miserable little –!" Faster than even _that thing's_ eyes could see, Shirasen swooped down, grabbed it, and held on for dear life. "I got it! I got it! I freaking got it!"

Of course, he was yelling that in between screams of pain and enraged yowls from the creature causing him to scream like that. "Look, you're going back to your mommy, and that's it! And you'd better not run off again, or else I'll just skin you alive and make you a nice jacket for Hinata!"

"Shirasen! You can't be that cruel to an animal!" Sakura yelled.

"Cruel? I'm the one being cruel?! You're not the one getting sliced up by this thing!"

"Wanton violence isn't going to solve anything," Sakura insisted.

"Sure it will! Wanton violence always solves stuff! Don't you watch action movies?"

Sasuke meanwhile just calmly reported to Kakashi, "Target acquired and seized. En route to return."

* * *

Of course, when they returned the cat to its owner, the Fire Daimyo's wife, they got a look at just why the cat kept running away. "Oh, Tora, I missed you so much!" she wailed dramatically, squeezing the poor cat between her humongous breasts. "I'm so happy you're back home now!"

"Uh, lady?" Shirasen asked.

Sakura and Sasuke looked at him with expressions begging him to stop and desist while he was still fully intact physically speaking. Shirasen just ignored them and continued on, "You know, your cat wouldn't run away as much if you weren't constantly suffocating him."

"Suffocating him?" the Fire Daimyo's wife asked. "But he loves being near me!"

"Yeah, but not _that_ near," Shirasen replied. "People need space. So do cats. And frankly . . . if I have to chase him down again because he decided he'd had enough of you . . ." He drew one of his kodachi. "That's gonna be the last time you see him!"

The Fire Daimyo's wife gasped in horror. "Why, I never!"

Sakura smacked Shirasen upside the head. "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot?!"

Sasuke just skulked about, while Kakashi sighed in dismay. Attempting to defuse the situation, he calmly said to the Fire Daimyo's wife, "What my tactless and possibly psychotic student is trying to say is that you must be willing to let Tora stretch his legs a little, to breathe some fresh, clean air once in a while. If he feels as though you are not trying to smother him and deny him his freedom, he won't run away as much."

"Oh," the Fire Daimyo's wife mused. "That is food for thought. You'll all get your payment, even you, you masked maniac."

"Who, me?" Kakashi quipped.

"Not you, the one in red!" the Fire Daimyo's wife clarified, her broad face flushed with irritation and just a little bit of fear.

After the Fire Daimyo's wife had left with her cat and made sure Team 7's payment would be transferred, Team 7 stood before the Hokage. "So you threatened to kill the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat?"

"I'm sick and tired of chasing that cat," Shirasen spat. "I'm also sick and tired of these stupid D-rank missions! How the hell am I supposed to know what I can really do if I'm stuck performing menial labor?"

"You are aware that the purpose of D-rank missions is to build teamwork, right?" the Hokage remarked.

"Screw that noise," Shirasen growled. "I'm a man of action. And action's what I need."

"You're barely 14 years old!" Sakura exclaimed. "Who do you think you are that you need 'action'?"

"I have my needs, Sakura-chan," Shirasen answered. "Would you like to help quench one of them?"

"No, you pervert, you've got Hinata for that!"

"Hmm, good point. Just messing with you!"

"And that's why we're not getting any missions higher than a D-rank," Kakashi interjected. "You don't take anything seriously."

"Whatever," Shirasen grumbled.

"Wait a second . . ." the Hokage said. "We do have a C-ranked mission that's not going to anyone right now. It'll have some action. Not a lot, just regular bandits, but consider it a test to see how well you perform on missions requiring combat. If you do well enough, you'll get more. If not, you'll have to wait."

"Who requested it?" Kakashi asked.

"A bridge builder from the Land of Waves," the Hokage replied. "His name's Tazuna. I'll call him in."

Soon enough, a suntanned gray-haired man wearing a wide-brimmed hat with a small rounded point in the center, small wire-rimmed glasses, and loose beach clothes arrived. "So this is the team who's gonna protect me? They don't look like much. And the kid in the mask just looks stupid."

"Screw you, man, the mask is to conceal my identity," Shirasen retorted.

"Anyway, Tazuna, these are the ninja who'll be guarding you," the Hokage replied. "They may not look like much, but they're well-trained and will safely shepherd you back to Wave."

"Uh-huh," Tazuna grumbled suspiciously and possibly drunkenly, too, if his breath was anything to go by.

"Hey, you mind if I say bye to Hinata first?" Shirasen asked.

"Her team's already on a mission," the Hokage replied.

"Damn, I hate when I forget important things like that!" Shirasen exclaimed. "Fine, whatever, let's go."

* * *

Thus, they embarked on their mission, which got very interesting when they headed for the boat that would pick Tazuna up. Team 7 had been escorting Tazuna down a dirt path, and Shirasen had been forced to accommodate the backpack he now sported by mounting his kodachi on his hips instead of his back. Then things really got interesting when Shirasen spotted something.

He quickly sidled up to Kakashi and whispered, "Hey, you see that puddle?"

"Yeah, I saw that puddle already," Kakashi whispered back. "And I know what you're about to say. It's too dry out here for it to have rained recently, so there's no reason for there to be a puddle. Shut up and play along."

Shirasen grinned mischievously. "You're setting them up, aren't you?"

"Like I said, shut up and play along," Kakashi answered.

"Don't tell me to shut up, you shut up," Shirasen retorted.

Their suspicions were soon clarified when two gasmask-wearing men with claw-fingered gauntlets, Mist headbands, and a chain connecting them leaped out of the puddle and one used the chain to rocket the other over in front of Team 7 and their charge.

"And just who the hell are you, ugly?" Shirasen asked.

That wasn't the end of it, though; as it turned out, the chain maneuver had been for the purpose of entrapping Kakashi, and those chains had very sharp links, which the two Mist ninja used to their advantage – _ripping Kakashi into bloody shreds!_

"What the hell?!" Shirasen exclaimed.

Sakura screamed.

"Sakura, Shirasen, protect Tazuna!" Sasuke ordered.

The Mist ninja were ready to attack again, using the same chain launch maneuver that had killed Kakashi. This time, Shirasen intercepted, kicking the foremost Mist ninja into the air and then drawing his kodachi and jumping up after the Mist ninja. Said Mist ninja attempted to fight back, managing to scratch Shirasen, but Shirasen literally cut him apart with both kodachi swinging and slicing at frenetic speed. The red-clad boy landed on the ground, the red of the freshly killed Mist ninja's blood mixing with the crimson of his costume.

The bloodstained Shirasen turned to the other Mist ninja, whom Sasuke had subdued, and stalked over to him, the primal _thing_ inside him demanding blood. Just then, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to see Kakashi standing there, perfectly intact. "What the hell?! You saved yourself with that cheap move?!"

"Yes," Kakashi replied. "And for the record, if you kill this guy, too, we won't find out anything. By the way, both of them had poison on their claws. You'll have to open the wound and take care of that before it spreads."

"No big deal," Shirasen said. "My immune system's cool like that."

Indeed, Kakashi saw Shirasen's wound sealing itself quite quickly. _Lightning-speed kenjutsu, accelerated healing, and resistance to toxins? Does the Nine-Tails have anything to do with these abilities?_ He turned to the downed Mist ninja, seeing his identifier headband. "A missing-nin? You told us it was just bandits, Tazuna. You never said anything about shinobi."

"I'm sorry," Tazuna said. "I had no choice."

"What do you mean?" Kakashi inquired.

"This country has been under the stranglehold of a shipping magnate named Gato," Tazuna explained. "Because he's basically the only game in town, he can raise the prices as high as he wants, and he's driven nearly everyone in this country into poverty this way. Even the nobles have barely any money to work with, and the few people who've tried to resist have met very bad ends. The bridge I'm building goes to the mainland, and once it's finished, Gato's stranglehold will no longer exist. That's why he wants me dead."

"That's why rogue ninja are after you," Kakashi mused. "This is now an A-rank mission. Not exactly what we signed up for."

"I understand," Tazuna sighed in resignation.

"Oh, hell no!" Shirasen exclaimed. "We're not turning back now, are we?"

"This isn't our fight, Shirasen," Kakashi answered.

"Doesn't matter," Shirasen retorted. "It ain't just him. His people need him. He might very well be their only shot at a better life, and we're just gonna let him get killed because it's 'not exactly what we signed up for'? You said it yourself, Kakashi-sensei; abandoning someone in need makes you worse than trash, and I don't know about you, but I don't wanna know what's worse than trash."

"Shirasen's right!" Sakura agreed. "We can't turn our backs on him!"

Sasuke sighed. "And someone will have to stick around to watch your back, Shirasen."

"Nice sentiment, buddy, but I don't need you to watch my back," Shirasen retorted.

"I suppose I've been outvoted here," Kakashi said. "Very well. We keep going." He turned to where the other Mist ninja had been, only to find that said Mist ninja had vanished.

"Who was that guy, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"He and his comrade were known as the Demon Brothers of the Hidden Mist," Kakashi replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a dark chamber, an imposing man wearing bandages over the lower half of his face and a pair of pinstriped gray pants glared at the surviving Demon Brother. "So you mean to tell me that a bunch of punk kids got the better of you?"

"They had a jonin with them!" the Demon Brother protested. "And the bastard kid in red . . . he killed my brother."

"Killed your brother, you say?" the man asked. "And he was wearing red?"

"And a mask, red and black," the Demon Brother added.

The man snarled. "Deadpool."

"Deadpool? Him?"

"Yeah. Or, considering that it's a kid you said, someone just as mouthy and obnoxious . . . and probably half as skilled . . . as him." The bandaged man chuckled. "I'm gonna check this out myself. I wanna see just who beat you."

* * *

Meanwhile, Team 7 and Tazuna were being escorted to the bridge Tazuna was explaining about on a motorboat. Interestingly enough, the motor had been cut, forcing the boatman to row across the foggy sea. "This Gato sounds like bad news," Shirasen remarked.

"Of course he's bad news," Tazuna replied. "He's a thug and a criminal and a murderer, using his wealth and his power to keep himself outside the reach of any law. Then again, it's not like you have to look out for me. My grandson will be upset, though . . . and my sweet, beautiful daughter will curse your names from here to eternity, living the rest of her life in sorrow. . . ."

"We get it," Kakashi sighed.

"Kid, where did you learn how to kill a man like you did back there?" Tazuna asked Shirasen.

"Eh, my dad," Shirasen replied. "He's really good at killing people."

"Is he a ninja?" Tazuna asked.

"Eh, kind of," Shirasen answered. "All I'm saying now. Don't want him in trouble with the authorities."

"Your dad must be insane, teaching you how to slice people apart with swords," Sakura commented.

"He's just being who he is," Shirasen retorted. "And besides, at least I did something."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked.

"You're a smart girl, Sakura-chan," Shirasen replied. "Figure it out."

Sakura glared at Shirasen. She couldn't figure that guy out for the life of her! One minute he was trying to get in her pants, the next he was covertly insulting her! Just who did this guy think he was, and what exactly did he want from her other than her gorgeous body . . . which belonged to Sasuke, by the way?

Then they arrived at the bridge. "Damn, that's huge!" Shirasen exclaimed. "I haven't seen a bridge that big since George Washington or Brooklyn!"

"It's not even finished yet," Tazuna responded. "And quiet down. We're trying not to get caught."

"Heh, sorry," Shirasen said.

* * *

After reaching the bridge, Team 7 escorted Tazuna to his home on his orders. As they walked down the forest path to his home, the ninja were alert. "Someone's following us," Shirasen spoke quietly.

"Yes," Kakashi murmured. "However, I don't want you jumping headfirst into a fight. They're not going to send chunin this time. It'll be a jonin, an elite ninja with skills beyond the ken of ordinary people."

"I've seen worse," Shirasen mumbled.

"No, you haven't," Kakashi replied. "However well Deadpool may have trained you, it's not the same thing as live combat. You don't get to 'try again' in live combat; it's do or die."

"Whatever you say, Kakashi-sensei," Shirasen responded. He took one of his disks off his jacket sleeve, pressed the underside of it, and three blades popped out in a vaguely spiral-like triangular pattern. He then threw the bladed disk at the bushes, and was gratified to hear skittering footsteps as though something was running from the assault.

Shirasen went to check it out, and found that it was a white rabbit. "Wow. White rabbit. I feel like I just walked into Wonderland."

"It's actually a snow bunny," Kakashi helpfully filled in. "Its fur is only supposed to be white during the winter. And it's not winter."

Just then, something that looked like a giant carving knife flew at them, spinning rapidly as it moved through the air. "Get down!" Kakashi ordered, and everyone did, except Shirasen. Being who he was, he couldn't help but try to kick the giant carving knife away. In a way, he succeeded, hitting it in the handle and knocking it off-course so that it chopped through a tree and embedded itself blade-first into the ground.

"Bitch, you better come out!" Shirasen yelled. "We know you're there! No use in hiding, so just come out and take your beating like a man!"

A dark chuckle could be heard, as the bandaged man perched on a thick tree branch. "You're good, kid. Learn that move from Daddy?"

"Nah, he just taught me that all my problems could be solved by judicious application of wanton violence," Shirasen retorted. "And it seems to have worked! Tazuna ain't dead, bitch!"

"He's gonna be . . . and so will you if you keep calling me bitch," the bandaged man sneered.

Kakashi saw the ninja headband the bandaged man wore, the identifying metal twisted to the side of his head. He could still recognize the symbol on that metal. "Mist . . . Zabuza Momochi, am I correct?"

"Yeah," Zabuza replied. "And you're Kakashi Hatake, the man who copied a thousand ninjutsu, aren't you? Back when I was an assassin for the Hidden Mist, we had orders to kill you on sight."

Kakashi smiled underneath his mask. "I'm glad you know me so well."

"Forget introductions! We'll have time for that when his ass is grass!" Shirasen yelled, drawing his kodachi and about to charge Zabuza when Kakashi extended an arm to hold him back.

"He's a jonin, Shirasen," Kakashi warned. "Your skills are best used protecting Tazuna. I'll handle Zabuza. You and the others get into Manji formation around Tazuna. Now."

"Fine," Shirasen grunted, moving into Manji formation with Sakura and Sasuke around Tazuna.

"You really think that's going to help?" Zabuza mocked as Kakashi pulled his headband away from his left eye, revealing a red iris with three black tomoe in a triangular pattern around his pupil.

"I'm ready."

"Sharingan!" Sasuke uttered. _But how . . . that power only manifests in select members of the Uchiha bloodline. My bloodline! How did Kakashi . . . unless . . . ?_

"I don't see what the big deal is," Shirasen remarked. "It's a freaky-looking eye, yeah, but I've seen freakier eyes than that. He can't even shoot beams out of it."

"The Sharingan isn't to be taken lightly, Shirasen," Sasuke admonished. "Its power is to instantly comprehend and replicate any movement, any special technique, and any genjutsu that it sees."

"Reminds me of a guy Wade-papa sometimes works with," Shirasen muttered.

"That's only the beginning, kid," Zabuza remarked, and then leaped onto the surface of the nearby lake. He lifted one arm to the sky and held the other at a right angle to his chest, and his chakra began to flare as a fog began to condense around everyone.

"What's going on here?" Shirasen asked, pressing his ear through his mask. Immediately, infrared lenses snapped on over the lenses of his mask, allowing him some degree of sight despite the fog obscuring his vision.

"The Hidden Mist Technique," Kakashi explained. "It's the setup for his ultimate assassination move, the Silent Kill Technique. Even my Sharingan isn't foolproof against it. You all have to remain on your guard."

"Eight points I can strike for a fatal wound," Zabuza's voice taunted them. "I'm sure you know them well if you've done your anatomy. The best ones, in my opinion, are the throat, the lungs, and the heart. If I can't get those, there are five others. Do you know what they are?"

Kakashi glared into the mist, alert for any sign of Zabuza. Shirasen was alert as well, using the infrared to look for any heat signatures that didn't belong to himself, Tazuna, or his comrades. Sasuke was nearly paralyzed with fear.

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. He's everywhere. And nowhere. He can strike at any time he pleases. He's dragging this out, savoring our fear. My fear! His murderous intent is so thick that I feel like I'm choking on it! It's too much! I'd rather –!_

"Sasuke," Kakashi called out. "I will not allow my comrades to die. I swear."

It was at that moment that Zabuza dropped into the midst of the Manji formation. Shirasen swore and twisted around to slash Zabuza with both kodachi. Zabuza blocked them both with his giant sword, pushing against Shirasen even as the red-clad boy pushed back.

"You're good, kid," Zabuza remarked. "Deadpool did well with you." Then he kicked Shirasen in the stomach, knocking him to the ground and moving in on Tazuna for the kill. Unfortunately for Zabuza, Kakashi stopped him with a kunai to the kidney. Strangely enough, Zabuza's wound leaked water, before Zabuza himself dissolved into a watery mess.

"Water Clone," Kakashi mumbled, just before the real Zabuza appeared and _sliced Kakashi in half!_

And then _that_ Kakashi dissolved into a watery mess, revealing himself to be no more than a Water Clone himself. Zabuza just chuckled. "You're good, Kakashi," he remarked as the real Kakashi held a kunai to his throat. "Using a Water Clone to draw my attention. But you know something? I'm not gonna get beaten by a copycat like you."

A second Zabuza emerged behind Kakashi, brutally punting Kakashi into the lake. "Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura shouted. Just as Kakashi had risen to the surface, the first Zabuza emerged behind him and formed the seals for, "Water Prison Technique!" Immediately, an orb of dense water formed around Kakashi, trapping him inside.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei!" Shirasen shouted. "We'll get you out of there!"

"Shirasen, don't be stupid!" Kakashi countermanded. "You three go up against Zabuza, and you'll all be dead! Take Tazuna and run!"

"What about you, Kakashi-sensei?!" Sakura shouted. "We can't just leave you!"

"Yes, you can!" Kakashi yelled back. "The mission is to protect Tazuna, not fight missing-nin that are too strong for you to handle!"

Shirasen picked up his kodachi. "Screw . . . that . . . noise . . ." In a burst of speed that should have been impossible for anyone not doing the Body Flicker Technique, Shirasen attacked the Water Clone of Zabuza that was standing in the way of rescuing Kakashi. Steel sparked and flashed as Shirasen and Zabuza's Water Clone clashed swords.

The Water Clone smirked. "You really think your little kendo tricks are gonna be good enough to beat me?" He kicked Shirasen in the stomach, knocking him to the ground, and brutally slammed his elbow into his chest while he was down. "You're no ninja. Just some brat playing games." He ripped Shirasen's identifying band off his thigh, threw it onto the ground, and then stomped on the engraved metal.

"Give that back!" Shirasen snarled, only to be kicked back to Sakura, Sasuke, and Tazuna by the Water Clone.

"Shirasen, what did you think you were going to accomplish with that?!" Sakura yelled. "We're genin! That guy's a jonin!"

"I'll repeat this one last time, and I'll do it slow so that you understand this time," Kakashi warned. "Get. Out. Of. Here. Now."

"It's my fault, really," Tazuna lamented. "It was my desire to live that got you into this mess. But I think I know a way we can all get what we want."

"How?" Sakura asked.

"Even if we run, that won't stop Zabuza from killing your sensei and then hunting us down," Tazuna replied. "Therefore, the smart thing to do would be to beat Zabuza now, so we can all get out in one piece." He smirked at Shirasen. "You've got guts, you little punk. Go for it."

"Thanks, old man," Shirasen answered. He turned to Sakura and Sasuke. "What we have to do is get past the Water Clone and get at the real Zabuza so we can save Kakashi-sensei."

"Yeah, except how are we gonna do that?" Sakura asked. "Even if we get past the clone, the real one will probably be even more trouble!"

"That's why I have a plan," Shirasen replied. "Simply put, one of us goes after the Water Clone and distracts him while one of us goes after the real Zabuza and one of us guards Tazuna. Sound good?"

"I have to say, it makes sense," Sasuke mumbled.

"Good! Because I'd hate to confuse you!" Shirasen exclaimed. "And remember, don't hold anything back! If we're gonna fight this guy, we're gonna have to go at him like we wanna kill him – which we do, because that jerk jacked our sensei! Bitch ain't gonna get away with that! Not a chance in hell!"

With that said, Shirasen and Sasuke charged the Water Clone of Zabuza, throwing shuriken to make him think they were both after him. Just as they were about to split off, one to go after the real Zabuza, and the other to stay on the Water Clone, the Water Clone elbowed Sasuke viciously in the chest, brutally knocking him to the ground.

"Sasuke!" Shirasen yelled, and whirled to attack Zabuza's Water Clone.

"Idiot! Forget me! Kakashi's who you need to rescue!" Sasuke yelled back, before getting his air supply cut off by the Water Clone's foot on his chest.

"You foolish little brats," the real Zabuza mocked them, keeping his hand inside Kakashi's Water Prison to maintain it. "How little you know about what it means to be ninja. By the time I got to be your age, my hands were already soaked in red."

"Yes, now I know you," Kakashi said from within his prison. "'Bloody Mist,' so named because their Academy's graduation exam required that everyone who made it to the end kill each other until only one was left. Rooting out the weak and the unfit, they called it. We in the Leaf had another name for it: barbarism.

"Of course, they had to end it. Not because the other Hidden Villages were squeamish, but because a rogue not even part of the class showed up to the graduation exam and slaughtered every student there. That rogue . . . is the man you are fighting right now."

"_What the hell?!_" Shirasen exploded. "What kind of freaking sicko are you?! Murdering your own classmates!?"

"They were weaklings. They didn't deserve to become ninja, just like you don't deserve to be ninja. You're just children, silly children playing silly children's games.

"The day you become worthy ninja is the day you wake up and find that the line between life and death no longer matters to you. The day you become worthy ninja is the day you end up in my personal bingo book.

"The day you become worthy ninja . . . is the day you can come face to face with me and I can call you someone worthy of challenging me!"

Shirasen chuckled. "You're pretty damn full of yourself, aren't you?" He picked up his identifying ninja band and tied it around his thigh once again. "Well, put this in your bingo book. The one who will become the greatest ninja in the world, the master of blades . . . his name is Naruto Uzumaki . . ." He held his kodachi in a fighting stance. ". . . and _he_ _never backs down!_ That's just the way I am, bitch!"

* * *

End Notes: Good point to end here. As you can tell, the Land of Waves arc is really going to kick off from this point. Hope I didn't startle you too much with the whole "rain of blood" thing earlier this chapter. Of course, that could just be a way of showing how different Naruto is in this universe as a result of Deadpool's influence, given that Deadpool himself is rather accustomed to killing. In the meantime, I will try to be somewhat more comedic next chapter and I hope you still enjoy this story. See you next time!


	6. Cutting Mist

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 6: "Cutting Mist"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Shonen Jump, and Viz. Deadpool and the larger X-Men Universe belongs to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I have nothing to do with any of these in any professional capacity and I do not own any of these properties. I am simply writing this for my own entertainment and hopefully the entertainment of those reading.

Author's note: Sorry to be away for so long. I was working on other ideas, some of which you might have seen already like "The Other Exiles," which is basically a mega crossover version of the Exiles comic book series, "Titan of the Future," "Naruto vs. Super Sentai," and "Advent of Midnight," the Spectacular Spider-Man/Darkstalkers crossover. If any of those sound interesting to you, you're very welcome to check them out.

In the meantime, I'm back to "Dead Maelstrom," and you can thank the omakes at the end of "Icha Icha: Birthday Sex" by Naruto's Brat for that. They gave me hilarious ideas and the will to continue this story, and continue it will! Now, let's rock!

* * *

Shirasen glared at Zabuza, who still had his foot on Sasuke's chest. "Let him go, bastard." He quickly punched his open hand, replicating into fifty perfect clones of himself.

"Clones," Zabuza murmured. "And you've got quite a few of them."

The small army of Shirasen lunged at Zabuza with kodachi extended, all of them flurries of sharp-edged death. Zabuza's response was to take up his own sword and block their attacks to the best of his ability. Finally getting fed up with the sea of red-clad sword-wielding blonds, he swung his sword mightily, throwing them all off him. To his surprise, the Shirasen clones simply twisted in midair to land on all fours like demented cats.

"Damn it . . ." Tazuna murmured. "He's too strong for them."

"Please, old man," a Shirasen mocked. "I fought a guy who calls himself Apocalypse more than once, and he's a lot tougher than this asshole!"

"Thought you could get rid of us that easy?" one of them asked.

"Why aren't you disappearing?" Zabuza asked.

"We're not Shadow Clones," a Shirasen replied. "We don't disappear with one hit. We only disappear when the boss doesn't need us anymore. And speaking of needing us . . ." He pulled something out of his backpack and threw it at Sasuke. "Catch, bitch!"

Sasuke's reflexes were true, and he snagged the object out of the air. "What the –?" he muttered to himself. _Oh, I get it. You're smarter than you act._ He held up the object and unfolded it into a giant four-pointed shuriken. "Demon Wind Shuriken! Windmill of Shadows!"

"You think you can touch me with that?" Zabuza asked, just before Sasuke jumped into the air and hurled the giant shuriken with all his might. It missed, but it was never intended for him, but for his caster – the true Zabuza Momochi who was holding Kakashi hostage via the Water Prison Technique. "Not bad . . . but you still can't touch me!" He caught it, but there was a second giant shuriken flying at him. Zabuza jumped up, tucking his legs in to avoid the shuriken . . .

. . . but the second shuriken turned into Shirasen, who threw a silver kunai at the arm Zabuza kept inside the Water Prison to maintain it. Zabuza was forced to pull his arm out to avoid losing the ability to use it and Shirasen plopped into the lake after his stunt was done.

"How did you do that?!" Zabuza asked, infuriated.

"Transformation Techniques and good old-fashioned misdirection," Shirasen replied simply. "Thanks for the help, Sasuke!"

"You little bastard," Zabuza growled and moved to attack Shirasen, only for the giant shuriken he'd caught to be blocked by Kakashi's metal-guarded gloved fist . . . and Kakashi looked pissed.

"This is what you get when you underestimate your opponents," Kakashi remarked. "Shirasen may be a complete lunatic, but he was trained by one of the best assassins between our worlds. Sasuke is a prodigy of the first order, and Sakura is our sharpest mind."

_That . . . that was pretty awesome!_ Sakura thought. _Sasuke and Shirasen . . . they work so well together for guys who hate each other; they didn't have to say a word to make the plan work!_

"Yeah," Zabuza snarled. "Deadpool. I've been looking forward a rematch with that son of a bitch for a while. But if I can't have him, I'm willing to settle for his brat. Send him a message that way."

"You want me?" Shirasen asked. "Bring it!" He drew both kodachi and slashed Zabuza in one super-fast lunge.

Zabuza growled, discarded the shuriken, and swung at Shirasen with his giant sword, only for Shirasen to jump over Zabuza's head and twist around to slash him in the back. He then whirled as Zabuza whirled, ducking under Zabuza's sword and kicking him in the stomach. Zabuza was about to chop off Shirasen's leg, but a timely dodge kept that leg mostly intact, save for the large gash in his thigh.

"You should let me handle this from here on in, Shirasen," Kakashi advised. "Otherwise, Theresa-san will kill me."

"Fine," Shirasen growled. "But you'd better do this asshole in, or else I'll have to step in again!"

Kakashi and Zabuza clashed against each other with sword and kunai, only to jump back and begin performing numerous hand seals. They finished with the seal for "tori," and simultaneously set off the "Water Move: Water Dragon Bullet" technique. Immediately, the water formed into the shape of twin dragons, clashing against each other while Kakashi and Zabuza resumed their sword vs. kunai duel.

When it was over, they ran around each other, their movements a perfect mirror of each other. When they stopped, they began to perform hand seals again, but different ones this time, much to the surprise of Sasuke, Sakura, and Tazuna. Kakashi smirked beneath his mask at Zabuza, nearly reveling in Zabuza's confusion and incipient rage.

"You bastard, how are you doing this?"

"Are you getting mad?" Kakashi asked solicitously.

Zabuza growled, furious at Kakashi for mocking him. "You bastard, all you're doing is copying me! You'll never beat me with those cheap tricks! I'll crush you!"

The irony, though, was that Kakashi was echoing Zabuza word for word – at the same time Zabuza himself was speaking. That just made Zabuza even angrier. "I'll make sure you never open that monkey mouth of yours again!"

Unfortunately for him, Kakashi had finished the technique first. "Water Move: Giant Vortex Technique." Immediately, the lake became a turbulent ocean, knocking Zabuza – and Shirasen, who was still in the water watching the fight – over. While Zabuza was panicking and wondering how Kakashi did it, Shirasen was making lemonade out of this current lemon.

"Surfing Konoha, bitches!" he shouted, riding the waves with relish.

"He's completely insane . . ." Tazuna uttered.

"Yeah," Sasuke grunted.

In the end, both Zabuza and Shirasen went awash on land, Zabuza crashing into a tree trunk and Shirasen crashing higher on the tree and then drop-kicking Zabuza in the head just for added insult. He bounced off Zabuza's head and landed near Kakashi. "Heh, that was fun."

While Zabuza was reeling from the kick to the head, Kakashi took the opportunity to impale him with multiple kunai. "You're finished," the Sharingan-wielding jonin stated bluntly.

"How . . . ?" Zabuza asked. "Can you see into the future?"

"Yes," Kakashi replied. "This is your last battle."

Shirasen chuckled. "I got this one, Kakashi-sensei. Don't worry." He kissed the back of his hand and drew it back into a fist. "Kami, guide this pimp hand . . . make it strong . . . so that this wayward son of a bitch may speedily be delivered unto your hands! AMEN!" Just as he was about to punch Zabuza's head in, somebody did the job for him.

Two needles impaled Zabuza in the back of his neck, thrown by another masked ninja – this one wearing a full-face mask – from a nearby tree. Pretty much everyone was shocked by what had just happened, but Shirasen was furious.

"You were right," the masked ninja replied in a soft, melodious voice. "This _was_ his last battle." The masked ninja turned to Kakashi. "Thank you. I was tracking Zabuza down for quite some time. It was my task to end him."

Kakashi had been checking Zabuza's vital signs. Sure enough, there were none. He was as dead as a doornail. "I see by your mask that you're a hunter ninja, affiliated with the Village Hidden in the Mist."

"Correct," the masked ninja confirmed. "You're well-informed."

"A hunter ninja, huh?" Shirasen remarked. "Well, bitch, I hope you're aware that I was gonna kill him! You don't steal another man's kill like that! That just ain't how it's done! Total disrespect for the code of brotherhood!"

"Shirasen, quit being an idiot!" Sakura yelled. "A hunter ninja is an elite ninja specially tasked by his or her village to track down ninja who go renegade and make sure that those ninja don't give away village secrets!"

"And where's the part where I'm supposed to give a crap?!" Shirasen yelled back. "I was gonna kill that bastard! I was all ready to do it, too! And then that son of a bitch went and stole my kill! What do you suggest I do, huh?!"

"Your struggle is over for now," the hunter ninja spoke. "I must deal with what remains of Zabuza. There are too many secrets within his body for me to leave him be." He "disappeared" in a flurry of wind and reemerged by Zabuza, slinging his body onto his shoulders and disappearing again.

"Damn it . . ." Shirasen mumbled.

_Who is this kid?_ Kakashi wondered. _He seems no older than Shirasen, but his skills . . . are beyond even mine or Shirasen's._

"Well, this is just messed up!" Shirasen shouted. "What kind of freaky world do we live in where a kid no older than us is already an experienced assassin!? Man, I think I need to step it up a notch." He turned to Sakura and Sasuke. "And so do you guys!"

"You know, we can't all be psychotic swordsmen with murder fetishes," Sakura commented dryly.

"Well, _you_ could at least be more useful!" Shirasen retorted. "Most of the girls I know could kick your ass from here to next year!" He calmed down slightly, just to mutter to himself, "Particularly Monet-neesama. And Laura-chan . . . sweet set on that girl . . ."

Kakashi lowered his headband over his Sharingan. "That's enough for today. We still have to complete our mission. Get the bridge builder to his bridge."

Tazuna chuckled. "Sorry for all the trouble."

"It's our job," Kakashi answered. Just as they started walking, Kakashi stiffened – and then dropped flat on the ground, motionless.

"Well, damn," Shirasen muttered.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura shouted in shock.

"Now we gotta carry deadweight, too," Shirasen grumbled. "Screw this." He picked up Kakashi and slung him over his shoulders. "Mission still a go-go, bitches! Move!"

* * *

Thus, Team 7 escorted Tazuna to his home, with Shirasen carrying an unconscious Kakashi. Once inside, Shirasen smirked beneath his mask, seeing a lovely woman with dark blue hair wearing a short-sleeved pink blouse and long blue skirt. "Hello. I presume you're the lady of the house?"

"Yes," the woman replied. "You must be the ninja Tazuna sent for."

"That I am," Shirasen replied. "That I am. And these are my somewhat-less-badass-than-me comrades. Sasuke, a.k.a. Broody Boy, Sakura, a.k.a. Hot Pink Screamer, and Kakashi-sensei, a.k.a. Out Stone Cold Pervert. Do you have somewhere I can drop him? His deadweight is annoying me."

"Shirasen!" Sakura yelled.

"Trust me, dear Tsunami, he's got a mouth on him, but he backs it up just fine," Tazuna said. "I've never seen someone so young fight like such a mad devil."

"What's his name?" the now-identified Tsunami asked.

"Shirasen," the red-clad ninja replied. "Not the name I was born with; it's just my working name." He raised an eyebrow beneath his mask. "Tsunami, eh? Works just fine, because your beauty is like a tidal wave crashing over my heart."

Tsunami giggled, and Sakura scowled. _What the hell is he doing flirting with an older woman like that?!_ Inner Sakura screamed._ And why isn't he flirting with me?!_

_But we want Sasuke-kun, don't we?_ Sakura thought.

_Yeah, but Sasuke-kun acts like we don't exist! At least that idiot Shirasen notices us! And thinks we're pretty!_

_We can't just go for any guy who notices us! What about standards?!_

_Standards, hell! You saw under that guy's mask! Humina-humina-humina!_

_You're not making sense anymore._

In the real world, a young boy in a fisherman's cap and overalls had just arrived, glaring sullenly at the assembled ninja. "Hey, kid," Shirasen greeted. "Are you Tsunami's son?"

"Yeah," the kid grunted.

"Why am I not hearing enthusiasm in your voice?" Shirasen asked. "Your mom's great! She ought to meet my mom! They'd get along awesomely!"

"Inari, these are the ninja who are protecting your grandfather until the bridge is finished," Tsunami explained.

The boy, now identified, just snorted bitterly and walked out. "Crap, what's his problem?" Shirasen wondered.

"Shirasen!" Sakura yelled.

"Do you _have_ to be a bitch to me every shot you get?" Shirasen asked. "_I'm_ not the one with the attitude problem!"

"You can't just be so insensitive!" Sakura yelled back.

"Hey, if I were any more insensitive, you wouldn't be so loose with that mouth," Shirasen retorted. He snickered mischievously. "Or maybe you would, just in the _fun_ way, if you catch my drift."

Sakura flushed red. "You pervert! Does Hinata know how you act around other women?!"

"I act the same way around her," Shirasen answered calmly. "Only I actually mean it around her." He looked at Tazuna and Tsunami. "Um, where can I drop Kakashi-sensei so he can rest? I'm not the best pillow, you know."

"I'll help you with your sensei," Tsunami offered.

"Thanks a bunch," Shirasen answered. Soon enough, Kakashi was laid down on a cot with heavy blankets covering his body and a fluffy pillow underneath his head. "How's that, Kaka-baka?"

"It's fine, thank you, Uzugaki," Kakashi slurred.

"You've been awake for a while, haven't you?" Shirasen deduced.

"Just long enough to hear your horrid attempts at being charming," Kakashi answered. "How Hinata puts up with you, I don't know."

"She puts up with me because I'm that awesome," Shirasen rejoined.

"I'll bet . . ." Kakashi murmured. "In all seriousness, that's not the last we'll be seeing of Zabuza."

"What do you mean?" Shirasen asked. "Don't tell me that punk-ass hunter ninja jacked my kill just to save his ass!"

"Actually, that is more-or-less what happened," Kakashi confirmed grimly. "That boy wasn't a real hunter ninja, just posing as one. If he were for real, he would have dismembered Zabuza on the spot. Those needles, when placed in specific pressure points, can induce a deathlike state in a person. It's only temporary, though, just long enough to fool any enemy ninja into thinking he's been taken care of."

Shirasen swore loudly. "That son of a bitch!"

"Calm down," Sasuke said. "You'll get your chance to take him on again if Kakashi is right."

"In the meantime, you're going to need to train up," Kakashi said. "You were woefully unprepared for the threat someone like Zabuza or that fake hunter ninja posed. You could have easily been killed."

"How are you gonna train us if you're laid up in bed?" Sakura asked.

"Let me rest a little while longer, and then I'll show you," Kakashi replied.

"Fine," Shirasen said. "But, you mind if we train on our own for a while?"

"What do you have in mind?" Kakashi wondered.

"That masked ninja was fast," Shirasen replied. "Fast enough that I couldn't see him move, and I'm pretty damn fast myself. If we're going to take him on, we ought to at least be able to react fast enough to intercept him before he strikes a killing blow."

"I get it," Kakashi said. "You want to teach Sakura and Sasuke how to fight someone whose strongest suit in combat is speed and agility."

"Uh-huh," Shirasen confirmed.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura protested. "What does Shirasen have to teach us? He's a genin like we are!"

"He's also been intensively trained from the time he was placed in Deadpool's custody," Kakashi countered. "And while his personality may be quite . . . grating . . . he is the most capable fighter of the three of you. He wounded Zabuza, remember?"

"Don't let it go to your head," Sasuke sneered at Shirasen. "Just because you're teaching me a few things, doesn't mean you're actually better than me."

"Whatever," Shirasen retorted. "I've got more combat experience than either of you, anyway."

* * *

Meanwhile, Zabuza was lounging in Gato's headquarters, simultaneously recovering and being forced to listen to his employer Gato rant about his failure to kill Tazuna.

"A kid! A freaking _kid_ cut you up like that?! What kind of demon are you?!"

Zabuza just listened. How unfortunate for Gato that his partner did not feel like listening to Gato's drivel. How unfortunate for Gato that he attempted to grab Zabuza when his pique had reached its zenith. That last one prompted Zabuza's partner, the same masked ninja that had bailed him out by pretending to be a hunter-nin sent to capture him, to grab Gato's wrist . . . and crush it.

"You won't touch him," the false hunter murmured, his voice taking on a steely edge as he squeezed harder.

"Haku," Zabuza called. "Stop."

"Yes, Zabuza-sama," Haku replied, letting go of Gato's wrist.

Gato departed, presumably to get his wrist splinted up so it could heal properly, and that left Haku and Zabuza alone. "That boy in red . . . he's Deadpool's whelp through and through," Zabuza growled.

"Deadpool? The mercenary who never silences himself?" Haku asked.

"Yes, that one," Zabuza snarled. "Never have I seen someone so young fight like such a monster." He smirked beneath his mask. "Except for me, of course. Kinda like the kid now. Still gonna kill his punk ass when I'm through with the old bridge builder, but I'm gonna have fun mailing his corpse to Deadpool."

"Yes, but you must save your strength in the meantime," Haku advised.

"Yeah, I know," Zabuza grumbled. "Just means I'm going to have to wait a longer. Damn kid cut me good."

* * *

Back in the forest near Tazuna's house, Team 7 was in the process with training. For the moment, they were practicing sword technique, with Shirasen having given Sakura and Sasuke one of his kodachi each and then shown them how to hold it and how to stand so that they'd be advantageously situated to use it. At present, Shirasen stood between them, with all three positioned in a kind of triangular pattern.

"Here's how we do it," Shirasen said. "The two of you come at me like you want me dead. Come at me with everything you have, and make each shot count; don't just waste energy flailing around."

"What about you?" Sakura asked. "You don't even have a sword anymore!"

"Don't worry about me," Shirasen replied, shifting lazily. "Now come!"

"You're not even in a proper stance!" Sasuke exclaimed irritably.

"I don't need it," Shirasen retorted. "Bring it, bitches! Or are you too scared of me?!"

That did the trick, prompting Sakura and Sasuke to both rush at him with their swords at the ready. Shirasen didn't even move until the last second, where he grabbed Sakura's blade with his gloved hand and blocked Sasuke's with his shin. The next thing Sasuke knew, Shirasen's leg had unbent into a brutal kick to his chest and Sakura was getting flung at him as he unwillingly flew to the ground. Luckily for them both, neither of them accidentally stabbed themselves or the other when they collided.

"You might want to be a little more careful," Kakashi remarked. "You could have killed them that way."

"Yeah, Kaka-baka, I know," Shirasen replied, not even bothering to turn and acknowledge the tree-sitting Kakashi. He looked back at Sakura and Sasuke. "Is that all you got!? My mother fights better than you two! And I think I'm going to have to apologize to her when I see her again for comparing her to you!"

Sakura and Sasuke got up and moved into mirrored kenjutsu stances. Sasuke looked at Sakura, as though to say, "Follow my lead." Sakura nodded and turned to lock her eyes on Shirasen, who just cracked the bones in his neck . . . and gave the impression he was smiling like a maniac beneath his mask.

Sasuke attacked Shirasen immediately, slashing rapidly and forcefully at him. Shirasen was either twisting out of the way of Sasuke's swings or delivering chop strikes to outright knock the blade out of killing range. "You're too damn slow, Sasuke," Shirasen taunted, just before blocking Sasuke's blade with his forearm and twisting to kick him. This time, Sasuke caught his kick by trapping his leg between his arm and side.

"Not that slow," Sasuke retorted, smirking.

Shirasen grinned like a devil beneath his mask. "You're learning. Good." Then he punched Sasuke in the nose, the sudden shock forcing his grip to loosen enough for Shirasen to break free. "But not good enough!"

With a twisting flip, Shirasen kicked Sasuke and then contorted back to block Sakura's sneak attack with his outermost foot while balancing himself on his outstretched hand. With another twist, he knocked Sakura's legs out from under her and started a break-dance routine. This prompted the watching Kakashi to think to himself, _What the hell is wrong with this kid?_

Sakura and Sasuke took the opportunity to attack Shirasen, thinking he was giving them an obvious opening. To their surprise, Shirasen continued break-dancing, and even incorporated the dance into his dodging and blocking. When he stopped, he had his knee pressing against Sakura's blade and his elbow pressing against Sasuke's blade.

"You're getting better," Shirasen remarked. "But you really should learn to look underneath the underneath. Isn't that right, Kaka-baka?"

"Shirasen! You can't call our sensei that!" Sakura yelled.

"Shut up, apple-polisher," Shirasen retorted, jamming his knee into her stomach and striking Sasuke in the chin with his elbow. "I'll call him what the hell I please."

"Shirasen, are you training them, or just taking out your frustrations on them?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm done with them now," Shirasen answered. He turned to Sakura and Sasuke and walked over to them to take back his swords.

_Wow . . ._ Kakashi thought. _Maybe I do need to work more on building up their taijutsu and kenjutsu._ Aloud, "If you're not too exhausted from your little training session, I'd like to teach you something myself."

"Like what, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked, thinking anything was better than taking on a complete maniac who'd break-dance in the middle of a fight.

"Tree-walking," Kakashi replied. "It'll be a test of your ability to control your chakra. You see, chakra is created from both your physical energy and your spiritual energy, and is molded by your will into whatever effect you wish to achieve. Chakra control is measured by how well you can balance the amount of physical and spiritual energy you use to mold chakra. Too little, and it doesn't work at all. Too much, and you overload the technique you want to use and render it useless."

Shirasen snorted.

"Something wrong with this test you want to tell us?" Kakashi asked.

"I can already tree-walk," Shirasen answered. "Hell, I can tree-_run._" In a blur of red, he dashed up the trunk of the tree Kakashi was on, right up to Kakashi's position. "See?"

"That's not tree-walking," Kakashi rejoined. "You're simply using the momentum from your speed to carry yourself up a vertical surface without controlling your chakra so that you can stay on that surface without having to burn up your speed."

"Whatever," Shirasen scoffed. "Same difference."

"No, there is a difference," Kakashi amended. "The difference is that one is sustainable and the other isn't. Raw speed might give you an advantage in some instances, but proper chakra control is a sign of finesse, a necessary trait for a shinobi."

"Fine, Kaka-baka," Shirasen answered. "If it'll get you off my back, I can tree-walk the 'good' way, too." Demonstrating, he simply walked down the tree trunk as though it were a horizontal surface, with no hint of slipping. "How's that? Do I know how to pull a Spider-Man, or what?"

"Spider-Man? Who's that?" Sasuke asked.

"Guy in red and blue tights who swings from really tall buildings, climbs walls because it's a superpower of his, and bounces around like a crazy man . . . but not nearly as crazy as Dead-papa," Shirasen answered.

"And this Spider-Man is a friend of yours?" Sasuke inquired.

"Kinda, but Dead-papa says he's a bad influence," Shirasen replied. "I don't know what he's talking about."

"This Spider-Man must be really bad if your dad thinks he's a bad influence," Sakura remarked dryly.

"No, he's not!" Shirasen protested. "Spider-Man's a good guy! He saves people! Don't listen to that bastard Jameson; he doesn't know what he's talking about!"

"Who's Jameson?" Sakura asked.

"Nobody you'd know," Shirasen retorted.

* * *

End Notes: There you have it. The sixth chapter of "Dead Maelstrom" is complete, and it ends with Spider-Man references! Yes, Spider-Man and Naruto are buddies here, and like the "two worlds" comment by Kakashi indicates, I'm going with the explanation that the Narutoverse is a dimension adjacent to the 616 Marvel continuity.

My explanation is that they were once one world, but became two because of the divergent paths history took. The Marvel Universe was shaped by bioengineering and circuitry, which either separately or cooperatively contributed to the rise of "transhuman life." The Naruto Universe was shaped by the first Six Path Sage, who created what I call "Rokudojutsu," or "Six Path techniques," that became the dominant power of that world.

There are commonalities, though, between the two worlds. The Inuzuka clan taijutsu relies largely on animalistic traits and fighting skills, similar to characters like Wolverine and Sabretooth. The Yamanaka clan ninjutsu is based on infiltrating, reading, and controlling the minds of others, similar to what telepaths in the X-Men can do. The Nara clan ninjutsu is akin in some ways to what those who draw upon the Darkforce Dimension for power can do, but somewhat more limited.

But, explanations and background details aside, the fun's not over yet! Shirasen's going to meet a beauty that'll change his life – in more ways than one. Team 7 is going to take on Zabuza again, and the outcome of this fight is one that's going to seriously change their perspective on the world of shinobi. Of course, that won't necessarily be the end of Zabuza . . . or will it? Thanks a bunch for reading, and see you next chapter!


	7. Harsh Tide

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 7: "Harsh Tide"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and VIZ Media. Deadpool and the larger X-Men Universe belong to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I have no position among any of the above that would allow me creative control or ownership of either property and I make no money from this story. I'm only doing this for fun.

Author's note: Sorry it's taken me so long to come out with this chapter; I've been busy with other story ideas, as you can see. Right now, though, I'm ready to kick this story back into gear. Hope you guys can forgive me, and hope I've earned that forgiveness with this chapter. Now, let's rock!

* * *

The first thing Shirasen saw when he awoke from his night of intense training was a very beautiful girl, with porcelain skin, long black hair, and soulful brown eyes. The girl wore a pink kimono and a black choker around her neck, and carried a basket full of herbs. Shirasen smiled up at her, almost unaware that he was still wearing his mask.

"Am I in heaven?"

"No, you're still very much alive," the girl replied, in a gentle, melodious voice that soothed his heart.

"Blasted fox isn't gonna let me die yet," Shirasen mumbled to himself.

"What brings you out here?" the girl asked.

"Training," Shirasen replied. "You?"

"Someone close to me was injured recently," the girl explained. "I'm picking these herbs to help him recuperate."

"That's cool," Shirasen said.

"What are you training for?" the girl asked.

"So that even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I'll fear no evil, because I'll be the evilest thing in that valley," Shirasen answered.

"Why do you wish to become the evilest one dwelling in this valley of which you speak?" the girl inquired.

"Because the evilest one is usually the strongest one," Shirasen replied. "And I'm going to _be_ the strongest."

"Do you desire strength for yourself, or for someone else's sake?" the girl wondered.

That question made Shirasen think, back to when he'd been no more than 11 years old and had his first encounter with true depravity. It had been during an X-Factor investigation into the violent murders of several residents of the district known colloquially as "Mutant Town." X-Factor had found out who was behind the murders, all right . . . and Naruto had stowed away just for thrills.

_

* * *

_

X-Factor, alongside the X-Men's covert strike team and Wolverine's longtime foe the Silver Samurai, battled the Reavers . . . and were losing badly. The Reavers the X-Men knew had been thugs who'd upgraded themselves with cybernetics. The Reavers they were fighting now were even worse; they were religious fanatics who'd splintered from the Purifiers and upgraded themselves with Sentinel implants. Believing that God was on their side, they fought the mutants with a fervor that was positively monstrous.

_That was what Naruto was witnessing. He was seeing his friends . . . his teachers . . . his family . . . fall one by one to the Reavers' mad assaults. And what was he doing while the family that had taken him in was being thrashed by the Reavers? Hiding. Hiding like some scared little kid. Technically, he _was_ a scared little kid, but that didn't make it any better._

_One of the Reavers, a woman with extendable metal blades for fingernails named Lady Deathstrike, stalked toward Wolverine, ready to finish him off. Another of the Reavers, a blonde with sword blades extending from her cybernetic arms, was about to cut Siryn's head off. Seeing these horrible things about to happen to two of the people he loved most, it was a little understandable that young Naruto just snapped._

_With a bloodcurdling roar and blood-red chakra lashing out all around, Naruto charged the blonde Reaver and snapped her blades off her arms. Nothing but pure fury – and the burning chakra of the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox – driving him, Naruto beat and slashed her viciously until she was felled by the sheer ferocity of his assault._

"_What the hell?! Somebody, kill that little freak!" one of the Reavers shouted._

_No such luck; Naruto's reflexes were so fast that he was easily evading their assaults . . . and even seemed to be able to counter them before they happened. One particularly unlucky Reaver had his arms sliced off by chopping strikes from Naruto, as though his hands were obscenely sharp blades._

"_Damn," Gambit remarked. "_Petit homme's_ gone berserk."_

"_Man . . ." Madrox groaned. "Quicksilver, stop him before he kills one of them!"_

"_Forget 'one,'" Wolverine commented. "Try 'all.'"_

_By this point, the Reavers had come to understand that they were severely outmatched. Their Sentinel technology allowed them to understand and interpret mutant signatures in ways that enabled them to react faster and more appropriately to mutant powers. Unfortunately that technology did not prepare them for the kind of power being exhibited here, and the confusing thing was that it was reading multiple mutant signatures from that one kid._

_Lady Deathstrike glared at Naruto and moved to slice him to ribbons with her finger claws. Unfortunately for her, Naruto grabbed her wrist and squeezed viciously, the claws he had somehow grown piercing her skin. The cyborg assassin locked eyes with Naruto . . . and saw hellfire. In fact, that very hellfire was scalding her skin, peeling it away slowly and excruciatingly, and it didn't take long for her to see that the hellfire was an aura surrounding the boy's body._

"_What are you?!" she yelled. "What in the hell are you?!"_

_Naruto merely smiled viciously, and threw her to the other Reavers, then prowled toward her, ready to finish her off. "Retreat!" Lady Deathstrike yelled. "RETREAT!"_

_Quicksilver transplanted himself between Naruto and the Reavers. "That's enough, kiddo. They're beaten!"_

_Naruto snarled and punched Quicksilver aside before charging the fleeing Reavers. He suddenly froze in place, restrained by Psylocke's telekinetic grip. He resisted, though, almost like a man stubbornly trudging through snow with a heavy weight on his back._

"_Naruto, stop!" Siryn yelled. "Stop!"_

_Naruto panted heavily, the infernal rage inside him demanding blood, but something in Siryn's voice had gotten through to him. Then he felt strong arms wrapping around him tightly, holding him in place yet somehow comforting. "Ototo-chan," a gentle voice whispered. "You can stop now. Stop for me, ok, Naruto-kun?"_

"_Nee . . . sama . . ." Naruto growled, his voice strained but losing its demonic edge. The hellish crimson aura faded out and his eyes shifted back to their usual blue, while his claws shortened back into ordinary fingernails. He collapsed against Monet, his head resting on her chest._

"_Naruto . . ." Monet murmured, stroking his spiky locks. "What happened to you?"_

* * *

That was a day Shirasen would never forget, and in remembering it, he knew how to answer the girl's question. "It's not just for me. If I become the strongest, I can protect everyone I love from the people that would hurt them just for being what they are. I can protect the people that are dear to me from the people that would make them suffer because of something they can't change."

"That is the true purpose of strength," the girl remarked. "It's not to lord over others, but to protect them, to shield them from whatever may seek to harm them. You truly become strong, when you have someone to fight for."

Shirasen smiled beneath his mask. "Do you have someone you care about?"

"Yes," the girl replied. "I care about him a great deal. I would do anything for him."

"He's lucky, to have someone like you," Shirasen remarked.

"I must be getting back," the girl said, looking up at the sky. She stood up and turned to walk away, which happened to give Shirasen a chance to cast an appreciative gaze at her backside. "You do not have to worry. Your dream of becoming strong enough to protect those you love _will_ come true."

"Thanks," he said.

While she was still within hearing range, the girl spoke six words that really threw Shirasen for a loop: "By the way, I'm a boy."

_What the HELL?!_ Shirasen thought, watching "her" walk away from him just as he spotted Sasuke walking toward him. Aloud but quietly, "No way in hell does a boy have an ass _that_ fine."

Just as Shirasen was musing on the impossibility of the "girl" he'd just been talking to actually being a boy, Sasuke had caught up with him. "Hey. Kakashi sent me to grab you for breakfast."

"What, were you worried?" Shirasen mocked.

"No," Sasuke replied. "Sakura was, though."

"And I care why, exactly?" Shirasen mocked.

"You're the one constantly trying to get in her dress," Sasuke replied. "You explain why you care."

"Whatever," Shirasen grumbled. "Let's just get back already."

Sasuke scoffed. "Whatever."

* * *

When the two boys got home, Sakura asked Shirasen, "Where were you?"

"And you care why?" Shirasen asked.

"Shirasen, you idiot!" Sakura yelled. "If anything happened to you, I – oh, just forget it, you jerk!"

"What did I do?" Shirasen wondered. "And what's her damage, anyway?"

"How did your training go?" Kakashi asked.

"Fine, Kaka-baka," Shirasen replied. "Listen, you're an experienced man, so I feel comfortable asking you this. Is it possible for a trap to be that damn good-looking that you can't tell it's a trap and even if you can, you just might not care?"

"Possible, but very rare," Kakashi answered. "Honestly, you only get that sort of thing in shojo manga."

"Thanks, that's all I needed to know!" Shirasen said.

As this conversation was going on, Inari was sulking. "What's the point? Gato's just gonna kill the lot of you, anyway, along with everyone else who gets in his way."

"You talk like you're beaten already, you _will_ be beaten," Shirasen responded. "That's what Cable-sensei used to say to me. It's all a state of mind."

"State of mind, nothing!" Inari yelled. "It's not some nightmare that you'll be beaten, it's reality! The strong survive, and the weak lose!"

"Another thing Cable-sensei said to me once, 'The strong are strong so that they may protect those that are not strong. Once the strong use their strength to dominate and oppress, they are no longer strong, merely bullies that think they are strong because they have greater power,'" Shirasen went on.

"Your 'Cable-sensei' was wrong!" Inari insisted. "That's not how the world works! But you don't know a damned thing about that, do you?! I bet you've never experienced real suffering before!"

At that, Shirasen drew both kodachi and darted behind Inari, holding one blade to the side of Inari's neck and the other dangerously close to his kidney. "That's rich, kid," he commented, all humor gone from his voice. "Really rich. _I've_ never experienced real suffering before? At least you have your mother and grandfather. I never knew any of my real family. I've spent my entire early childhood without that kind of fortune, and being spat on by virtually everyone in my village because of what I am didn't do jack to help.

"And you know what? That's paradise compared to what they did to the friends I made in the other place. I was lucky to never know my parents. My friends' parents couldn't bear the sight of them after they found out what they were, and they either threw them out of their lives or outright tried to kill them. There are organized lynch mobs out there in that place that would try to kill my friends just because of what they are, and _you're_ talking to _me_ about not knowing real suffering?"

"Naruto, that's enough!" Sakura yelled.

"Even I have to agree," Kakashi said. "I make a lot of allowances for you, Naruto, given your skill and experience, but threatening a child is beyond the pale."

"He needs to understand," Shirasen retorted grimly.

"Well, you're not going to make him understand by pointing a sword at him," Kakashi replied.

Shirasen withdrew his kodachi from Inari and sheathed them again before leaving. "Whatever. I've made my point. Later." In a flash, he was gone, leaving Inari, Tsunami, Tazuna, Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi with stunned looks.

"What kind of maniac is that?!" Tazuna exploded.

"Our maniac, whether we like it or not," Kakashi answered coolly as Inari fled to his room and Tsunami followed to try to calm him down. "Now, mind explaining why Inari's such a cynic for his age?"

"It's his father," Tazuna began. "Not his father by blood, but he was a man Inari admired and looked up to. That man, Kaiza, was a hero in this country, a protector of the weak and downtrodden. When Gato took over, he decided to make his authority known by executing Kaiza for daring to stand against him. That broke this country's spirit, and he's had near-total free reign ever since."

"It didn't just break this country's spirit . . . it also broke Inari's heart, didn't it?" Kakashi mused aloud.

"Yes," Tazuna confirmed heavily. "He was never the same after that."

* * *

Meanwhile, Shirasen was blowing off some steam by beating the crap out of some bandits. _Gato's hoods, no doubt,_ the red-clad swordfighter remarked as he dodged their assaults and retaliated with severed limbs. Kicking aside the last of the bandits, Shirasen turned away and to the young girl they'd been hassling. "You won't have to worry about them for now." He pulled a silver kunai off his thigh and tossed it to her. "Hold on to this. You'll probably need it in the future."

He dashed away, seemingly there one second and gone the next. One of the bandits, who'd been lucky enough to keep both arms, groaned. "We gotta tell Gato."

* * *

When the bandits came to Gato and told him what had happened, Gato glared at Zabuza and his young partner. "I want you to finish off that punk kid. But make sure his corpse is intact so I can mount it up in the town square and show those fools what happens to people who oppose me!"

"Yeah," Zabuza grunted. "We'll do that."

* * *

Shirasen had stayed out all night blowing off steam, to the point that by the time he was on his way back to Tazuna's place, the rest of the team had gone off with Tazuna to guard him while he completed the bridge. While he was on his way and ready to make whatever apologies he had to, he noticed some bandits running in the opposite direction of the house . . . and one of them was carrying a woman over his shoulder.

_Aw, damn,_ he thought. _I'd recognize that ass anywhere. Tsunami! Hang on, babe, I'm coming!_

As Shirasen pursued the bandits that were running off with Tsunami, he spotted Inari chasing them as well. _So they finally dropped, huh, kid? Good for you._

"Let go of my mother!" Inari yelled, charging the bandits with courage born of sheer rage at what they intended to do to his mother. One of the bandits turned to face the kid and drew a sword, ready to cut him down.

"You're brave, kiddo, but that's not gonna save you."

"But _I_ will!" Shirasen shouted, jumping out of his hiding place and delivering a brutal scissor kick to the two bandits. With an agile twist of his body, he moved to catch Tsunami and landed safely with her in his arms. "Hey there, gorgeous. Fancy seeing you here." He turned to Inari. "Thanks for the assist, kid. Couldn't have taken them down without you."

"You're . . . you're welcome," Inari stammered out.

Gently helping Tsunami to her feet, Shirasen drew his kodachi again, sensing the bandits getting up to attack. With extremely fast swings of his swords, Shirasen cut down the two bandits and turned back to Inari and Tsunami. "Take care of your mother, kid. She's a keeper." He ran at full speed toward the bridge, figuring that Zabuza and that fake hunter ninja would be giving his team some trouble.

* * *

Indeed, the two rogue ninja _were_ giving Team 7 trouble. Kakashi and Zabuza were fighting it out, and Zabuza was doing much better than he had the last time, presumably because he'd figured out Kakashi's tricks. As for the fake hunter, he had Sasuke trapped in a dome of ice-formed mirrors that he was using to attack Sasuke again and again from all possible angles _at once._ As for Sakura, she was guarding Tazuna, although she did throw a kunai at one of the mirrors the fake hunter was using to attack Sasuke.

Unfortunately for her, the fake hunter caught the kunai, and didn't seem all that concerned. At least, he wasn't so concerned until Shirasen streaked by and slashed him while passing. The fake hunter was surprisingly fast, though, and managed to use his mask as an impromptu shield of sorts.

"What's cracking, little bitches?!" Shirasen asked.

"You know . . . you could have stayed quiet," Kakashi groaned. "You'd have done a lot more good that way."

"Not as much fun, Kaka-baka," Shirasen answered. "Now, just stay back and let me take care of Zabuza. Like I was going to before that fake hunter bitch stole my kill!"

"No, Shirasen," Kakashi contradicted, "help Sasuke. He needs it more than I do."

Shirasen smiled underneath his mask. "Well, I can at least pay back that little punk for stealing my kill." He rushed the dome of mirrors and jumped up to deliver a flying kick to one of the mirrors. To his surprise, he ricocheted off, but flipped over to the other side and drew his kodachi, swinging at the mirrors with them. While he managed to cut deeply into the mirrors, he didn't quite break them. "Damn it! What does it take to make these things break?!"

Then he got an idea, an idea that made him dash into the dome of mirrors and start slashing at them from the inside. This made the fake hunter react, namely in the form of a barrage of needles from every mirror. Shirasen blocked as many as he could with his swords, but even with his speed he couldn't deflect all of them. Fortunately, he had certain other things that could deflect them.

"Shirasen, what are you doing?!" Sasuke asked.

"Saving your ungrateful ass!" Shirasen replied.

"I don't need you to save me!" Sasuke yelled.

"Well, you sure looked like you needed me!" Shirasen shouted back.

Just then, the fake hunter assaulted both boys with a barrage of needles thrown from every mirror surrounding them. "Crap! How the hell is he doing this?!" Shirasen asked.

"Look in every mirror as hard as you want," the fake hunter replied. "You will never discover the secret."

"Yeah?!" Shirasen retorted. Throwing himself into hyper-speed overdrive, Shirasen attacked every mirror within range, forcing the fake hunter to come out and counter him. To his surprise, Shirasen was moving almost as fast as he could via the mirrors, and managed to kick him in the stomach. The fake hunter twisted in midair and fell back into one of the mirrors before Sasuke's fireball could get him.

"So close," Sasuke muttered.

"I think I know how he's doing this," Shirasen said.

"How?" Sasuke asked.

"The same way I do it," Shirasen replied. "Those mirrors create distortions in time and space that allow him to move faster than we can react to. Well, faster than _you_ can react to, anyway."

Sasuke bit back an angry growl. "Just tell me how we beat this guy!"

"You can't beat me," the fake hunter answered stoically.

"And what the hell is the deal with you, anyway?" Shirasen asked the fake hunter. "Masquerading as a hunter ninja just to save a scumbag like Zabuza! Well, you can forget it! I have too much to do to let you kill me!"

"I do not desire your deaths," the fake hunter replied calmly, yet with a hint of sadness. "They are merely a means to an end, and that end is the protection of someone precious to me. I live for him, I fight for him, and I would gladly die so that his dreams may become reality. Now, in this place, in this time, our dreams will collide . . . and if I must, I will harden my heart, kill the kindness in me, and _end your lives._"

"Bring it!" Shirasen challenged.

The battle raged on, Shirasen and Sasuke attempting to keep up with the fake hunter despite the insane speed of movement granted by his technique. While Shirasen and Sasuke seemed like they were at a disadvantage, Sasuke was getting better and better at seeing the fake hunter's moves. Not to mention that Shirasen was having an easier time actually keeping up with the fake hunter.

_Let's see if this works . . ._ Shirasen thought, and swung once again with his kodachi. The fake hunter managed to dodge the swords, but sharpened tendrils of chakra extended from each blade and sliced apart a mirror. "Yes!"

The fake hunter looked surprised, if his body language was anything to go by. Shirasen smirked underneath his mask and swung again, only to be blocked by the fake hunter's needle. "You're better than I thought you would be," he remarked.

"Thanks," Shirasen remarked, just as he swung with his other blade. The fake hunter dodged . . . right into a fireball from Sasuke, which he barely managed to evade. It did scorch a leg of his hakama, and his ankle. Slowed by the injury, the fake hunter was still able to dodge Sasuke's subsequent kunai assault. This merely left him open to a sweeping kick from Shirasen.

The fake hunter attempted to escape into a mirror, only for Shirasen to dart ahead of him and cut apart that mirror as well. In response, the fake hunter jumped into the air and back-flipped into a higher mirror. He reverted to the needle barrage that had formed much of his strategy, realizing he was safer in the mirrors than he was actually fighting Shirasen and Sasuke close-up.

Shirasen and Sasuke dodged and deflected the needle barrage with their swords and kunai, and Shirasen cut apart another Ice Mirror, slowly destroying the fake hunter's refuge. "Now to really finish things off!" Shirasen shouted, and sheathed his swords, then pounded his fist into his open hand, creating 12 clones. "You know what to do."

"Yeah, boss," another Shirasen answered.

The baker's dozen of Shirasen went into a flurry of crimson, slashing at the mirrors and confronting the fake hunter, who used his instant transport ability to attack them. One Shirasen managed to kick the fake hunter in the stomach, while another managed to elbow him in the chin.

At the same time, Sasuke was watching for his moment to strike, and when he saw his chance, he took it, unleashing a massive fireball that the small army of Shirasen managed to dodge by merging back together. The fake hunter was able to outrun the fireball, but not without a scorched sleeve and a burn wound on his arm. Realizing he'd allowed things to go too far, the fake hunter was ready to end the fight now.

To that end, he aimed such a heavy rain of needles at Shirasen that he was sure that even this red menace wouldn't be able to dodge them all. He didn't have to, though, because Sasuke had shoved Shirasen out of the way and taken most of the needles himself.

"What the hell was that for?!" an outraged Shirasen asked. "I could have dodged those!"

"Y-yeah . . . sure . . ." Sasuke choked out sarcastically. "You're not _that_ good."

"How do you know?!" Shirasen retorted. "I kicked your ass before, man! You think I needed you to save me!?"

"Just . . . shut up . . ." Sasuke choked out, collapsing to the ground as Shirasen caught him.

"Aw, damn . . ." Shirasen murmured. "Bitch made you a goddamn pincushion."

"You never . . . stop talking . . . do you?" Sasuke groaned painfully.

"Yeah, well, I'm trying to keep you from going into the light," Shirasen retorted. "You hear me? Don't go into the light, damn it! The light is not your friend! The light is death! Don't go into the light!"

Sasuke wasn't talking very much, just staring up at Shirasen like it was so much effort for him to even breathe, let alone talk. "Shirasen, I want you to make me a promise."

"What, man? You're talking like you're gonna die, and I know you're not gonna die! You hear me! You're not dying here!"

"You can't . . . will me to live . . ."

"Well, you're going to live whether you like it or not! Damn it, Sasuke, hang in there!"

"Promise me . . . Naruto . . . that you'll find my brother . . . and that you'll kill him."

"Kill your brother? Why?"

"Because . . . I won't be living long enough to face him . . . and he's the one . . . I swore to kill . . ."

"Why?!"

"It was my dream . . . my ambition . . . and you . . . don't let your dream die . . . Naru . . . to . . ."

And Sasuke spoke no more.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! You son of a bitch! Wake up! Wake up, damn you! You don't get to die here, do you understand?! _You don't get to die here!_ Son of a bitch!"

The fake hunter looked on from the mirrors, seeming almost sad for Shirasen. "Is this your first time seeing someone you loved die?"

Shirasen glared at him. "Shut the hell up! Don't talk to me like you're my friend!" The rage boiled up inside him, like the flames of hell surging to grasp his heart and boil his blood. "_**You're dead!**_"

A hellfire-coated Shirasen charged the mirrors, a blur of berserker fury that smashed mirror after mirror despite the best efforts of the fake hunter to deflect his assault. The fake hunter jumped out of one of his remaining mirrors, and attacked Shirasen directly, only for Shirasen to brutally punch him right in his masked face. An extra pulse of kinetic force sent him flying through a mirror and out of the incomplete dome.

The fake hunter tumbled on the ground, struggling to his feet as Shirasen charged, ready to finish him off. Shirasen only stopped when the fake hunter's mask fell apart completely, revealing his face, a face Shirasen recognized all too well. It was the girl he'd been talking to only yesterday, the girl he felt he'd connected with so well that day . . .

. . . And "she" was the one who'd killed Sasuke Uchiha.

Shirasen stopped mid-charge, one sword at the unmasked hunter's throat and the other pressing against his-her kidney. "_You._ Why?"

* * *

End Notes: Well, now's a good point to end this chapter. Sasuke is dead – or so we think. The identity of Zabuza's partner has been exposed to Shirasen, and now Shirasen has a dilemma on his hands. Does he kill him-her? Or does someone else take the decision out of his hands? Will the story of the bridge have a happy ending for anyone? Just what happened in that fateful battle with the Reavers to make Naruto what he is today, and will it have any impact on the choice he makes next chapter? For the answers to those questions, you'll have to hang on for the next chapter, which will come sooner than this chapter did. Enjoy.


	8. Rough Currents

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 8: "Rough Currents"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Shonen Jump, and VIZ Media. Deadpool and the larger X-Men Universe belong to Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and 20th Century Fox. I make no money off this story, and the only profit I gain from it is the satisfaction I get from reading your reviews.

Author's note: Sorry I took so long; as you can see, other stories had me distracted somewhat. I happened to read a few Naruto/Marvel crossovers, particularly Naruto/X-Men Universe, and now I am back with another hard-hitting chapter of Dead Maelstrom. This chapter sees the resolution of the Wave arc, but that's not going to be the end of the adventure for Naruto, not by a long shot. Anyway, why waste time talking about it when I could be writing it now? Read on!

* * *

"_Why?_" Shirasen snarled at the unmasked Haku.

"Why?" Haku repeated solemnly. "It was my duty."

"Duty?" Shirasen echoed. "_Duty?_ Duty to whom, that bastard Zabuza?! What the hell would make you work for him?"

Haku looked up at Shirasen. "Because he needed me."

Shirasen looked at Haku with something akin to shock, horror, and disgust. "Because _he_ needed you? What about your parents? Didn't they need you, too?"

"No," Haku admitted. "My parents had no need for me, not after they discovered what I could do."

"Your ice powers?" Shirasen mused.

This was starting to sound like a story Shirasen was all too familiar with. His adoptive family, such as they were, consisted largely of what "normal" humans would call genetic abominations, affronts to the very meaning of human. Many of his friends there had been rejected by their own families once they'd discovered what they could do. If that was what had happened to Haku . . . his heart went out to her, or him, whatever; it was too confusing to think about.

But then Shirasen remembered something else. Some of those young mutants he befriended had wandered into the service of very bad men, convinced that those bad men were the only ones who'd want or need them, and even then they were just being exploited for their abilities. There was no real affection in those relationships.

"What happened, Haku?" Shirasen asked.

"I was born in a land where it always snowed," Haku explained. "That land had been torn apart by ninja wars with shinobi possessing blood-inherited powers on the frontlines. As a result, there was a purge – all possessing blood-borne gifts would be killed. My mother managed to escape, and retire with a peaceful farmer that she later married. I was their child . . . until I began to come into my abilities.

"My mother warned me to never use them, but it was too late; my father had seen for himself while we were unaware. Believing that all with powers passed down through shinobi clan bloodlines were harbingers of suffering, he gathered a mob to kill my mother and me. They succeeded in killing my mother . . . but I killed them all, instinctively, to preserve my own life.

"After that, I was alone. There was no one who wanted me, no one who needed me . . . until Zabuza came. He saw something in my eyes, he said, something that made me interesting to him. So he took me as his own, his apprentice, his student, his weapon. And I was happy, because finally someone needed me."

Shirasen stared at Haku, saying nothing for a long time. "You know, as much as I feel sorry for you, that's honestly _pathetic!_ You're sticking with an evil son of a bitch who'd kill this country's best chance of freeing itself from another evil son of a bitch's clutches because he 'needs' you?! You're a tool to him, nothing more! Why stick with someone who treats you like that?!"

"Do you know what it's like not to be wanted, not to be needed?" Haku asked. "For me, that is the worst torment imaginable. That is why I stay with Zabuza, because with Zabuza, I am wanted . . . I am needed."

"I know better than you think," Shirasen retorted. "I'm an orphan. I don't know who my parents were, and nobody in the village was willing to take me because they thought I was a menace. Hell, one of them thought I was so bad, he hired an assassin to kill me . . . and you know what the funny part is? That assassin took me in."

"Are you referring to the man Zabuza calls Deadpool?" Haku asked.

"Yeah," Shirasen replied. "But that makes no difference. You're not going to find what you're looking for with Zabuza!"

"He is all I have," Haku insisted glumly, "and now I am of no further use to him."

"What the hell do you mean?!" Shirasen interrogated furiously.

"I could not kill you . . . nor could I kill him," Haku replied.

"You mean . . . Sasuke isn't dead?" Shirasen asked.

"No," Haku corrected. "He is merely in a temporary death-state. I needed him to go down, but I could not bear to take his life . . . or yours, not after the connection we'd made. That is why I am of no further use to Zabuza. A weapon that cannot cut down its foes is a useless weapon."

"You're not a weapon!" Shirasen yelled. "How many times do I have to tell you that!? You're a human being! You're someone who deserves to be loved, cherished, valued – not just treated as a tool to be used when somebody needs killing done!"

Haku looked at Shirasen sadly. "Why do you believe that? Am I not your enemy? Did I not strive for your deaths in the name of my master Zabuza? Am I not in the way of your mission?"

Shirasen screamed in frustrated rage and punched Haku, putting as much force as he could behind it without killing the forlorn hunter. "What will it take to make you see it?! What will it take to make you believe me when I say that you're a human being, not a freaking weapon!?!"

"Kill me . . ." Haku murmured.

"Why the hell should I?" Shirasen asked.

"Because I do not want to live this way," Haku replied. "I do not want to live knowing I am no longer a useful tool for Zabuza, and live once again unnecessary to anyone."

"Damn you!" Shirasen yelled. "You're determined to die for this bastard, aren't you?! Why?! What the hell does he mean to you?!"

"Everything," Haku answered forlornly. "He is the one who saved me from the hell of being unnecessary. Your idea of mercy is far crueler than simply killing me would be."

"Well, I'm not going to kill you . . ." Shirasen growled. "You know why? The way you are now, you're honestly too pathetic to kill. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to help Kaka-baka finish off Zabuza. Maybe that'll get you to snap out of whatever brainwashing he pulled on you."

He moved past Haku and drew his kodachi, running toward the scene of Kakashi and Zabuza's fight. To his surprise, Haku blocked him with incredible speed, grabbing the business end of one of the short swords. "_You will not touch Zabuza,_" (s)he declared with a cold resolve in her – or his, Shirasen still wasn't sure – voice.

"You wanna throw away your life for him?" Shirasen snarled. "Fine. Guess I'll have to beat a sense of self-worth into you, after all."

Haku jumped back from Shirasen and turned the water vapor in the air into a multitude of ice needles that flew at Shirasen. The red-clad swordfighter used his blades to block each and every one of the needles, only to find Haku gone . . . and an Ice Mirror in his-her place. Shirasen swore loudly and sprinted over to the scene of Kakashi's fight with Zabuza, hoping to stop his would-be friend and former foe from doing something supremely stupid.

* * *

As it turned out, he was too late on that front. Kakashi had charged up his signature technique, the Lightning Blade, intending to finish Zabuza off with it while Zabuza was immobilized via Kakashi's herd of ninja dogs. Unfortunately for Kakashi, Haku had thrown himself (or was it "herself?") on Kakashi's blade to save Zabuza . . . and disabled the ninja dogs in the process.

"You . . . you thought my future was used up?" Zabuza taunted. "No, Kakashi . . . your Sharingan is not all-seeing . . . and your maniac student won't save you this time."

"And Haku won't be saving you, either," Shirasen snarled. "How could he? He's dead . . . dead for you . . . you son of a bitch!"

"Shirasen, stop!" Kakashi yelled. "This isn't your fight!"

"It is now!" Shirasen retorted, attacking Zabuza with furious swings of his swords, each swing creating an after-trail of wispy red chakra. Zabuza blocked Shirasen's sword slashes with his almost impossibly large cleaver blade, but the speed and fury of his opponent's assault was baffling to him.

"What does Haku mean to you, anyway?" he asked, trying to sound mocking, but his curiosity shone through his seeming malice.

"Haku could have been my friend!" Shirasen yelled. "Haku was a human being, a kind person who didn't want to hurt anyone! But you made her hurt people, just because she wanted so badly to be useful to you! You limp bastard, is this how you get off?!"

Zabuza growled angrily at Shirasen and swung viciously at him, but Shirasen jumped over the blade and kneed Zabuza in the face, then dropped and pushed his legs out to kick him in the stomach. "Stop this, Shirasen, before you get yourself killed!" Kakashi warned.

"The only one who's going to die here is Zabuza!" Shirasen yelled. He charged Zabuza, ready to finish him off, wispy red after-trails of chakra flying off his blades. Kakashi intercepted Shirasen's furious charge with his kunai. "Get out of _my way, Kaka-baka!_"

Up until this point, Kakashi had found Shirasen's antics amusing, along with the fact that the young boy could almost keep up with him in a fight. But this wasn't some amusing antic; no, there was genuine killer rage in Shirasen's movements. Whatever had happened between him and Zabuza's partner had affected him deeply enough that he was willing to throw all caution to the wind – even more so than usual – just to kill Zabuza.

While Kakashi could understand that sentiment to a degree, he also knew that if Shirasen was going to continue acting as recklessly as he was, he _would_ end up dead. Zabuza wasn't going to be content to mess around with the red-clad boy forever, and when he got sick and tired of Shirasen, he was going to separate the boy's body parts in very, very horrific ways. He couldn't let that happen, no matter how much he empathized with Shirasen's pain.

"I said . . . get out of my way," Shirasen repeated, his voice now a deadly calm hiss. That calmness of tone didn't reassure Kakashi one bit; he knew plenty of ninja that were at their deadliest when they were in a state of tranquility.

"No," Kakashi answered.

Shirasen disappeared from sight, moving too fast even for Kakashi's Sharingan to properly see, let alone keep up with. As Shirasen resumed attacking Zabuza, Kakashi heard Sakura yell, "Kakashi-sensei! What's going on?! What's wrong with Shirasen?!"

Kakashi was about to answer, when he saw Sasuke lying motionlessly on the ground where Shirasen and Haku had clashed. _No . . ._ he thought, despairing.

"Kakashi-sensei, what are you looking at . . . !" Sakura trailed off when she saw what Kakashi was looking at. "_Sasuke!! No!_"

Tazuna looked at the distraught girl sympathetically. "Do you want me to take you to him? If you do, you'll still be by my side and won't technically be disobeying your sensei's orders."

Sakura thought about it for a full thirty seconds. "Thank you, Tazuna."

_Damn it,_ Kakashi thought. _There's nothing I can do for Sasuke, but I can keep Shirasen from getting himself killed._ With that thought firmly in his mind, he moved to intercede in Shirasen and Zabuza's fight. "Your fight is with me, Zabuza. Leave the kid out of it."

"I don't think so, Kakashi," Zabuza snarled. "I'm having too much fun. Kid actually got trained right. I don't suppose you were responsible for that, were you?"

"_Stay out of this,_" Shirasen growled at Kakashi, his voice thick with bloodlust. "_I'm not through with this son of a bitch yet._"

"Given the chances of you doing something incredibly stupid and getting yourself killed, I can't chance that," Kakashi answered.

"_Then keep out of my way,_" Shirasen retorted, redoubling his attack on Zabuza, who was hard-pressed to evade or block all of the red-clad swordfighter's assaults due to their speed and ferocity. Finally, Shirasen penetrated Zabuza's defense, stabbing him in the arm with one sword and breaking his cleaver blade with the other. Just as Shirasen was about to go in for the kill . . . he was interrupted by the arrival of Gato and his men.

"Is this what you've come to, Zabuza?" the short man asked mockingly. "Can't even beat some jumped-up kid who thinks he's a superhero?"

* * *

"Gato . . ." Zabuza growled.

"You know the truth? I wasn't gonna pay you," Gato confessed with a sneer. "That's why I hired you in the first place. Missing ninja don't have villages that'll get pissed off and declare war if something happens to them. Hell, yours will probably be relieved that I took you off their hands."

Zabuza glared at Gato, but said nothing.

"Is this the scumbag?" Shirasen asked, his tone more normal but still uncharacteristically cold.

"So this is the brat you were so obsessed with," Gato remarked to Zabuza, ignoring Shirasen. "He doesn't look like much. Some demon you are, getting your ass beaten like a bitch by him. And speaking of bitches . . ."

He scowled at Haku's corpse, which had been left lying there by Kakashi when the Copycat Ninja had gone after Shirasen. "I never got to repay this little c#$% for my arm. Oh, well." He kicked Haku's corpse in the side, hard enough to send it tumbling over onto its front. He then smirked. "I always knew she was too beautiful to be the boy she passed herself off as."

Shirasen gripped his swords tighter, tight enough that his hands would have bled if not for his gloves. "Keep your filthy hands off her!" he yelled.

"What's the matter, punk?" Gato taunted. "Were you in love with this bitch? That's rich, really rich. Listen, kid, bitches come and go, and most of them aren't worth the trouble of actual romance, particularly kunoichi."

Shirasen was about to charge Gato when Zabuza stopped him with his one good arm. "Don't even think about it, kid . . ."

"What, aren't you gonna do something?!" Shirasen yelled. "That was your partner, damn it!"

"Haku was just my tool, nothing more," Zabuza answered grimly.

"You piece of –!" Shirasen finished his sentence with a brutal punch to Zabuza's face, knocking him down.

"Stop it, Shirasen," Kakashi called. "We have no reason to fight him anymore!"

"Speak for your goddamn self!" Shirasen yelled. "I have _every_ reason to fight him! For what he did to Haku . . . I will never, _ever_ _**forgive him!**_" His last two words came out in a demonic roar, as he prepared to go in for the kill.

_The Nine-Tails,_ Kakashi thought with dismay. _The angrier Naruto gets, the more the Nine-Tailed Fox's chakra leaks into his system, and the more of the Fox's chakra that leaks into him, the more bloodthirsty he gets . . . This is not good. Not good at all. I have to find a way to stop this before he goes completely berserk and just starts killing everything in sight!_

"Haku loved you so freaking much!" Shirasen screamed at Zabuza. "You were the most important thing in her universe, the center of her world! You were _everything_ to her! Even though she was too kind to want to take a life, she was willing to do anything to be useful to you, and when her kind heart wouldn't let her kill Sasuke and me, she wanted me to kill her because she'd rather be dead than live knowing she'd failed you! That was how much she loved you! And to hear you talk about her as though she was just a tool!?!"

"That's the reality of it, kid," Zabuza answered, although he didn't sound as convinced as he thought he should. "Gato used me, and I used Haku. Shinobi are nothing more than tools."

"You don't get it, do you!?" Shirasen roared, although he sounded as though he was on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. "She. Loved. YOU! What will it take to make you understand that?! She gave her life for you! She gave away her own dreams for you, just so she could be with you! Don't you understand?! _She loved you!_"

Zabuza didn't make eye contact with Shirasen for a long time . . . and when he looked up, Shirasen was surprised to see tears in the self-styled demon's eyes. "Shut up, kid . . . you don't need to talk now. It's my turn. Your words are sharper than even your blades. You want to know the truth about me and Haku? She was always soft, always full of compassion and empathy . . . and now, I finally understand her . . . because I feel those things, too.

"The life of a shinobi is short, painful, and lonely. Haku was a respite from that loneliness. As much as I tried not to get attached, she made the days a little brighter than they would have been without her. I can't even count how many times she saved my life . . . and I never once thanked her."

"Then thank her now," Shirasen insisted, tossing Zabuza one of his kodachi. "Thank her by saving this country."

"How sweet . . ." Gato mocked. "Get them, boys!"

Zabuza rose to his feet, standing beside Shirasen, smirking beneath his bandages. Shirasen looked at Zabuza with a smirk of his own – and then took off in a burst of crimson-trailed speed, Zabuza following him as they cut down Gato's forces. By the time Gato realized that the mercenaries he'd brought wouldn't be much use against Shirasen and Zabuza, it was too late for him.

Zabuza had already broken through the mob, albeit with a bunch of glaives and swords stuck in his back, and he was now charging Gato with cold determination in his eyes. "It's . . . it's the Devil! The Devil has come for me!"

"Yes, that's right," Zabuza sneered, stabbing Gato in the gut with the borrowed kodachi. "Hell has come to claim its prize. . . ."

"You want so badly to die with your little bitch?! Die by yourself!" Gato yelled with desperate fury.

"Unfortunately, the chances of me going where Haku's gone are nil," Zabuza replied with an almost insane smile beneath his bandages. "My hands are too bloodstained for heaven. No, it's _hell_ we're going to, where the demons and devils will be waiting for us _both!_ I'll probably get used to it soon enough; hell, I might even become a demon myself with all the blood I've got on my hands. But _you . . ._ I'm afraid _you're_ in for a painful eternity, you son of a bitch! See you there!"

He decapitated Gato in one swing of his borrowed weapon, kicking Gato's body off the bridge as his head was already falling into the ocean below. He turned around and prepared to finish off Shirasen's leftovers, only to collapse on his front, his wounds finally getting to him. He attempted to force himself up with his good arm, but collapsed again.

* * *

Meanwhile, Shirasen stood among the dead bodies of Gato's thugs, only to find Zabuza collapsed on his front. He darted to Zabuza, Kakashi following, and the two Leaf ninja gently pulled the bladed weapons out of Zabuza's back.

"Take me . . . take me to Haku . . ." Zabuza whispered.

"Sure," Kakashi murmured as he lowered his headband over his Sharingan. He'd used up too much chakra to safely leave that eye exposed. As he and Shirasen walked Zabuza over to Haku, Zabuza turned to look at Shirasen, chuckling slightly.

"Tell Deadpool when you see him that he raised an admirable punk," the bandaged ninja remarked.

Shirasen grunted in acknowledgement, just as he noticed Sakura and Tazuna walking toward them with a weary Sasuke in tow. "Sasuke?" Kakashi uttered, stunned.

Sakura walked up to Shirasen, her expression a mix of relief and outrage. "Why didn't you tell me he wasn't dead?!" she asked him.

"I was pissed off with this guy for what happened to Haku," Shirasen replied, jerking his thumb toward Zabuza to demonstrate. "Forgive me for not being inclined to tell you your fantasy boyfriend wasn't dead."

Sasuke just snorted.

Having reached Haku, Kakashi laid Zabuza down gently next to her. "We're side by side now, Haku," Zabuza whispered, slowly reaching out to stroke her face. "As we've always been . . ." As he spoke, snowflakes began to rain down from the sky. "Are you . . . are you weeping for me, Haku?"

"What's going on?" Sakura asked.

"Haku told me . . . where she was born, it was always snowing . . ." Shirasen replied, his voice thick with sadness.

"A soul as pure as the driven snow," Kakashi mused. "A rare thing to find in this world."

Shirasen looked at Zabuza and Haku as he saw Zabuza's eyes close. "Who knows, Zabuza? Maybe whoever runs things up there will be kind to you. You're a little too nice to be completely hell-bound."

Tazuna looked at Team 7. "Let's go back. I want to see how my daughter and grandson are doing."

* * *

After pausing to bury Zabuza's and Haku's bodies, Team 7 escorted Tazuna back to the village, only to see a very heartwarming sight. That sight was the villagers, led by Inari, driving Gato's thugs – who had probably come to raid the town in the wake of their boss's death – out of their home. Whether it was with crossbows or with ordinary farming implements, the villagers were doing quite the job frightening Gato's thugs back to where they'd come from.

"What happened?" Tazuna asked.

"They must have finally gotten sick of it all and decided to fight back," Kakashi mused.

Shirasen spotted a familiar silver flash, and recognized the little girl wielding the kunai he'd given her. He smiled widely beneath his mask and shouted, "Go get 'em, girl!"

The little girl paused and waved to Shirasen, who waved back, causing the rest of his team to look at him oddly. "I don't see what the big deal is," he responded. "Those bastards were gonna rob her, so I gave her my kunai so she wouldn't have to worry about being robbed anymore."

"And when did this happen?" Kakashi asked.

"While I was out last night," Shirasen replied. "Anyway, what do you say we help these people out a bit? You're not too tired to do that much, are you, Kaka-baka?"

Kakashi rolled his visible eye, but seemed to be smiling beneath his own mask. "Not too tired at all, Shirasen."

Shirasen drew his kodachi and dashed at the fleeing thugs, his movements and reactions so swift that he was no more than a red blur to pretty much everyone watching. He was done in less than a minute, and in that minute he'd killed pretty much every thug within range of his blitz attack. The ones who hadn't been taken care of by his blitz had been taken care of by Kakashi, who had left the guarding of Tazuna to Sasuke and Sakura.

_Now that I think about it, he_ is_ a lot like Minato-sensei,_ Kakashi mused internally, _only redder and crazier. Thanks, Deadpool._

Once the carnage was over, Shirasen walked up to Inari and gently ruffled Inari's hair through his fisherman's hat. "What's up, kid?"

"Don't call me kid," Inari answered with amiable grumpiness.

"Sure thing, Inari," Shirasen replied. "'Sides, you're a little too grown now for me to be calling you 'kid.'"

* * *

Team 7 stuck around to make sure Tazuna had ample opportunity to complete the bridge, and when they weren't doing that, Shirasen was visiting Zabuza's and Haku's graves to talk to them. When Shirasen wasn't visiting their graves, he was flirting with Tsunami, much to Inari's irritation and Tazuna's amusement. It was even more amusing, as far as Tazuna was concerned, that Tsunami seemed flattered by Shirasen's flirtation.

Kakashi was rather amused, too, given that the interaction between Shirasen and Tsunami reminded him of a scenario that had popped up in several _Make-Out Paradise_ volumes, all of which he owned. He contemplated asking the red-clad swordfighter if he could persuade Jiraiya to give him an advanced copy of his upcoming _Make-Out_ volume.

Sasuke didn't really care all that much; if Shirasen wanted to waste time flirting with a civilian woman he'd probably never see again, he could do that all the hell he pleased. It was no skin off his nose, although he had to admit that Tsunami had some fine childbearing hips. Not that he'd say that out loud to anyone; he had his pride as an Uchiha, and that he didn't break for _anyone,_ not even a beautiful older woman who'd probably be much more mature than the damned fangirls that salivated over him.

Sakura was fuming. Just who the hell did Shirasen think he was, flirting with other women in front of her? And what about Hinata; _she_ probably had no clue what a lecher her new boyfriend was! Sasuke at least had the decency to behave himself, even if Sakura had caught his eyes wandering toward Tsunami's backside more than once. At least Sasuke wasn't completely frigid; that was something she was grateful for.

* * *

On Team 7's last night in Wave Country, Shirasen went to Zabuza and Haku's graves. "The life of a shinobi can be more than loneliness," he said. "It can be more than just serving as a weapon for anyone hiring. When I become Hokage, I'm going to make it so that the life of a shinobi isn't just pain and death. I promise you both, the promise of a lifetime . . . and I don't go back on my promises. That's _my_ path of the shinobi!"

The next morning, Shirasen rejoined his team as they were preparing for the trip back to Konoha. Before they left Wave Country, they walked to the bridge Tazuna had completed just two short days ago, with Tazuna and his family escorting them.

"Nice bridge," Kakashi remarked. "It's truly beautiful . . ."

"Thank you," Tazuna replied. "We couldn't have completed it without your help."

"What are you going to name it?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm thinking of a name that symbolizes courage, guts, integrity, persistence, hope . . ." Tazuna mused aloud.

"And what name would that be?" Sakura asked.

"The Great Crimson Flash Bridge," Tazuna replied.

"'Crimson Flash'?" Kakashi repeated, the name reminding him of something else.

"After this guy here," Tazuna confirmed, jerking his thumb toward Shirasen. "Haven't you seen how he moves? It's like a flash of red, bringing hope and salvation to this country."

"That's a pretty cool name!" Shirasen cheered. "Thanks, Tazuna! Can't say I met a better guy than you!"

"You're just saying that because he's naming a bridge after you," Sakura grumbled. "Don't get such a swelled head."

"I'm a hero, Sakura, what do you expect me to do?" Shirasen retorted laughingly. He looked at Inari, who was looking down at the ground. "Inari? What's wrong?"

"Nothing . . ." Inari answered, although he sounded like he was choking up.

Shirasen crouched down so he was closer to eye level with Inari. "Look, if you're sad about me leaving, you don't have to hide it."

"That's not why I'm crying!" Inari snapped, looking at Shirasen with a smile despite his tears. "I'm . . . I'm happy . . ."

Shirasen smiled beneath his mask. "Glad you finally are." He then hugged Inari, only to start crying himself. "This . . . this is probably the greatest day of my life!"

Sasuke shook his head in annoyance, thinking to himself, _Has he no pride?_

"Boys are so weird sometimes," Sakura commented.

"They only get weirder as they get older," Kakashi observed.

"You'd know, wouldn't you?" Sakura retorted. "Reading that book out in the open all the time."

"You say something?" Kakashi asked coolly.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at Sakura's display of pique. As annoying as he found her, this was probably the best entertainment he'd gotten in years. It still galled him, though, that that masked ninja hadn't even found him worth killing. Knocking him out for a simulated death? What the hell? Didn't he deserve better?

* * *

End Notes: There you go. This is the end of the Wave Country arc in Dead Maelstrom style. Next chapter's gonna be a little more lighthearted, but there'll also be some serious contemplation. Plus, those of you who keep asking about Deadpool and Siryn's wedding will get to see it, albeit in flashback form. Not to mention that I'll be kicking off the Chunin Exam arc in the next chapter, too. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and be ready to come back for more zany goodness! Later, y'all! Thanks a bunch.


	9. In Spirals We Trust

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 9: "In Spirals We Trust"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Shonen Jump, and VIZ Entertainment. Deadpool and the larger X-Men Universe belong to Marvel Comics, Marvel Entertainment, and 20th Century Fox. I make no money whatsoever from this story and I am only doing this for kicks.

Author's note: Sorry for being away from this story so long. I had to work on a whole bunch of other stories and then personal drama got in the way. Nonetheless, I'm back now, and ready to write another kickass chapter of "Dead Maelstrom!" I should warn you, though; this chapter will be a little lower-key than most of the chapters up till now, but that's just the calm before the storm. Have fun, people!

* * *

"_Do you, Wade Wilson, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" the priest, one Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner, asked._

"_Hell, yes, I do!" Wade "Deadpool" Wilson replied._

"_And do you, Theresa Rourke-Cassidy, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Nightcrawler asked._

_Theresa smiled. "I do."_

"_Then by the power vested in me by God and by the law, I hereby declare you husband and wife," Nightcrawler announced. "You may now . . . oh, you're doing that already."_

_Indeed, Wade and Theresa were making out like the only oxygen they could find was in each other's lungs. "Not in front of the kid, Wade!" Logan shouted._

_Wade's answer was to flip off Logan behind Theresa's back, which made Jubilee and Kitty snicker in amusement. However, he remembered that while his healing factor made breathing a moot point, his new wife didn't have any such benefits and so he let her go. Turning to the audience, Theresa tossed the bouquet into the air . . . prompting several women in the audience to scramble for it._

_To the surprise of everyone present, the bouquet landed in the hands of one Xi'an Coy Mahn, a.k.a. Karma, who just stared at it like it was some alien artifact. "My lucky day," she mumbled._

"_My turn!" Wade announced cheerfully, reaching under the skirt of Theresa's wedding dress and pulling off a garter. He took out the garter and tossed it into the air, making the guys tense up in preparation to take the garter. To everyone's surprise, it landed in the hands of one Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Summers, otherwise known as Cable._

_Cable glared at the garter, while Wade just laughed in amusement. "Hey, Cable! Guess this means you and Karma are hooking up!"_

_Karma was tempted to possess Wade and make him do something exceedingly stupid. Of course, that wouldn't be much of a change from his everyday behavior, so it would be pointless. Nevertheless, the urge remained, and a look from Cable told her that the time-traveling would-be messiah felt the same way about his foe-turned-inconvenient ally-slash-friend._

"_Always a kidder, ain'tcha, Wade?" a grumbling man in skull-faced, black-hooded armor remarked._

"_Tasky! Glad you could make it!" Wade shouted._

"_You married? I _had_ to see this," Taskmaster answered._

_Scott Summers, alias longtime X-Men field commander Cyclops, was not that happy. Wade was one thing, but Wade letting his mercenary friends come to the wedding? Sometimes, he wondered why he put up with the red-clad maniac._

It's because you enjoy his sense of humor,_ his lovely wife, Jean Grey, telepathically whispered to him. _And because he irritates Logan.

The enemy of my enemy . . ._ Scott admitted quietly._

"_Hey, is it too late to object?" a sultry yet not quite sane-sounding female voice asked, prompting everyone to turn and see Typhoid Mary striding down the aisle. Typhoid was dressed as she always was, in a skimpy leather outfit with torn fishnets and half her lovely face painted white. "Because I'm in no mood to see my Wadey marry some other bitch."_

"_This is gonna be ugly," Remy LeBeau, alias Gambit, muttered._

"_Typhoid, sweetheart, you know it wouldn't have worked out between us, right?" Wade asked._

"_Yes, yes, yes," Typhoid Mary replied dismissively. "Siryn, Siryn, Siryn! Always talking about her! You even called out her name while we were –!"_

"_There's a kid here!" Theresa shouted._

"_Oh, I did? Wow, I didn't know that," Wade remarked. "Sorry. I hate when that happens. You're really getting into it, and the next thing you know, you're calling out somebody else's name!"_

_Theresa blushed. "You were thinking of me while . . . ?"_

"_Yeah, babe, that's how much I love you," Wade answered._

"_I'm still here, damn it!" Typhoid yelled, flicking a knife at Theresa's head. Unfortunately for Typhoid, the knife was deflected by a poison needle._

"_Do you mind?" Shizune asked. "We are having a wedding here."_

_Just then, a beautiful, busty blonde in a sexy cowgirl outfit and a man with an X-shaped scar across his face came running in. "Sorry!" the blonde shouted. "How the bitch slipped past us, we don't know!"_

"_Well, what am I working with you two for, anyway?" Wade asked irritably. "Nah, just kidding; love you guys!"_

_The next thing Typhoid knew, she was surrounded by several divisions of X-Men, who generally weren't happy to see her. Some even looked as though they were ready to get their violence on, and given that Typhoid was also ready to get her violence on, this had the potential to get messy – very, very messy._

"_Uh, who's she, Wade-papa?" little Naruto asked._

"_A woman I used to be friends with," Wade replied._

"_Do friends do the kind of things you do with Theresa-mama?" Naruto asked. "Because it sounds like you and that lady did those things, too. Can I do those things with my friends?"_

"_Not until you're older," Theresa replied._

"_Ok," Naruto said. "Besides, I don't think my throat can take all that screaming."_

_Typhoid Mary, who generally didn't like being ignored, started telekinetically flinging chairs at everyone. Scott removed his ruby-quartz glasses to shoot down the chairs, while Jean used her own telekinetic powers to catch the chairs and keep them from hitting anyone. It was at that moment that the blonde in the cowgirl outfit, Outlaw, chopped Typhoid upside her head with enough force to knock her out._

"_That was anticlimactic," Naruto remarked._

"_Where'd you learn a word like that?" Wade asked._

"_From Hank-jisan," Naruto replied. "He knows a lot of cool words."_

"_Great, my kid's going to end up a freaking Poindexter," Wade groaned._

"_You can also call people bad things without getting in trouble since they're not swearwords," Naruto remarked._

"_Thanks, kid, but I've got no use for sugarcoating the truth about bastards," Wade said. "And you're right; that was some anticlimactic jive. I was looking forward to that fight!"_

_Sean Cassidy, alias Banshee, looked at Wade warily. "Hopefully this is not going to be a frequent occurrence."_

"_No more than Mister Sinister coming after Scottie and Jeannie for their sexy genes!" Wade replied cheerfully._

_Taskmaster cleared his throat. "You guys can have fun. Outlaw, X, and I will make sure Typhoid goes back to the nuthouse."_

"_Nuthouse?" Naruto repeated. "Do they feed you nuts in a nuthouse?"_

_Taskmaster glared at Naruto. "Don't be a smartass."_

"_I _am _a smartass!" Naruto retorted. "My ass is smarter than your ass!"_

"_Oh, God, Wade, you've raised a mini-you!" Taskmaster exclaimed, utterly appalled. "Damn bastard!"_

"_And the kid's already being influenced by the bad influences you keep around you," Sean remarked to Wade._

"_Whatever," Taskmaster said. "Come on, Outlaw, X. We've got to send this poor woman back where she came from."_

* * *

Shirasen smiled to himself, watching the video of his adoptive parents' wedding. "Good times. Speaking of good times, I'd better check out my teammates."

Whistling a merry tune, the young crimson-clad not-quite-degenerate exited his apartment and went to find Sakura. Breaking into her house had been a relatively easy task; that girl needed to take better care of her locks. Continuing to whistle, Shirasen skipped through town, thinking about the look on Sakura's face when she found out what he'd done.

To his gratification, he heard a familiar shriek. "What was that!?"

"Um, it said 'I'm a naughty vixen, spank my ass' on the back of your dress," a hapless young man replied, hoping to avoid getting hit.

_No such luck,_ Shirasen thought, snickering like a maniac.

"Shirasen!" Sakura yelled. "I heard that laugh! You did this! Get over here!"

"I do it better," Shirasen replied. He then lowered his voice into a deep growl. "_Get over here!_"

"You bastard, what the hell!?" Sakura yelled as she got closer to Shirasen. "And how the hell did you do that?!"

"With special ink," Shirasen answered coolly. "It washes out easily, but it also glows with direct exposure to sunlight. Hopefully now, you'll think twice before hitting me every time you get annoyed with me."

"Why, you –!" Sakura cocked back her fist, ready to smack him one again, but he dodged and dashed away . . . after spanking her backside once.

"Nice!" Shirasen shouted before fleeing as fast as his legs could carry him, with Sakura in hot pursuit, her face flushed with anger – and maybe something else. As he ran, he passed by a scowling Sasuke, whose hair was colored a shocking pink. "Yo, Sasuke! Nice dye job!"

"Shirasen, you bastard!" Sasuke yelled. "I know you did this!"

"Yeah, I did!" Shirasen shouted back at Sasuke. "You wanna do something about it?!"

Sasuke growled. "Idiot . . ." He walked off.

"Yeah, that's what I thought!" Shirasen shouted. "That's what the hell I thought, bitch!"

Of course, Shirasen gloating over Sasuke's condition almost exposed him to a fist in his face from Sakura. Managing to react quickly enough, Shirasen caught Sakura's fist and twisted her arm behind her back, along with her body so that her back was facing him.

"Let go of me, you pervert!" Sakura yelled.

"Do you want me to let go?" Shirasen asked cheerfully. "Then say you're sorry!" His voice descended to a calm chuckle. "Or are you enjoying this?"

"Does Hinata know about this?" Sakura asked.

"That reminds me!" Shirasen exclaimed. "Her team got back from their mission yesterday! I've got to see her!" He let go of Sakura somewhat roughly and stared at her. "I'll take care of you later." He sprinted off, so fast he seemed to blink out of existence. Sakura stared at the empty space he'd once inhabited, fuming.

"Who does he think he is?!"

_Obviously, he thinks we're some floozy that's going to let him play with our gorgeous body all he wants!_ Inner Sakura yelled.

_I'm saving my body for Sasuke!_ Sakura yelled. _I'm not going to let some crazy pervert in red claim my innocence!_

_I wish Sasuke would do half the things with us that Shirasen does with Hinata!_ Inner Sakura yelled. _I have needs, damn it!_

Sakura blushed. _Do we want him to do those things . . . ?_

_Yeah! Sasuke will make us a woman!_

Sakura rubbed her wrists, flashing back to being in Shirasen's grip, to his hand slapping against her derriere. She blushed. "I didn't enjoy that at all!"

_Yeah, sure you didn't!_ Inner Sakura shouted. A wicked smile formed on her photonegative face. _But I know I did!_

_How can you say that?_ Sakura asked. _He's a pervert! He'll probably try to rape us sooner or later!_

_For certain qualities of "rape,"_ Inner Sakura remarked. _Oh, the hell with it! That guy probably knows his way around a female body better than Sasuke!_

_How can you say that?_ Sakura asked indignantly.

_At least he notices we exist,_ Inner Sakura answered. _And he actually thinks we're hot._

* * *

Meanwhile, Shirasen had found his way to Kurenai Yuhi's house, where Hinata was currently residing. He knocked on the door and was gratified to see Kurenai answer him. "Hello," she said. "Are you looking for someone?"

"Oh, yeah, I am," Shirasen replied. "Is Hinata here?"

"She's training right now," Kurenai answered.

"That's cool, how about I train with her?" Shirasen suggested.

Kurenai smiled with faint amusement. "Maybe you could . . ."

"You know, you're even lovelier when you smile," Shirasen remarked. "Like a face that could launch a thousand warships."

"Thank you, but there's no need for flattery," Kurenai replied. "I know you're here for Hinata." She let him into the house and guided him to the backroom where Hinata was training. "Hinata, your boyfriend's here."

Hinata turned around and blushed when she saw Shirasen. "Hi, Shirasen-kun," she greeted him.

"Hey yourself, Hinata-chan," Shirasen replied, taking off his jacket and the harness that kept his swords attached to his back. "Wanna train with me?"

"Um . . . I . . ." Hinata stammered.

"Hinata, if you're going to go into the Chunin Exams, you might end up fighting Shirasen," Kurenai said. "You'll have to overcome this."

"Don't worry, Kurenai-sensei," Shirasen replied, letting his voice drop into a purr on "sensei." "I'll be good to Hinata." The smirk in his tone alerted Kurenai to how "good" Shirasen intended to be to Hinata.

Hinata shifted into an unusual combat stance, while Shirasen just stood there, simultaneously relaxed and ready. "Shirasen-kun, why aren't you using a stance?"

"I'm ok," Shirasen replied. "Besides, if you hit me once, I'll take you out on a date tonight, ok?"

The veins surrounding Hinata's eyes bulged, as did the veins surrounding her eyeballs, and pupils expanded inside her irises. "Come, Shirasen."

Shirasen smiled under his mask. "For you, Hinata? Always."

In a flash of red, he'd tagged her in the chest with a palm thrust, slipping inside her guard. Hinata skidded back on her heels, managing to stop herself before she hit the wall. Shirasen flashed into the air, emerging clearly as he came down for a drop-kick that Hinata barely managed to dodge. Shirasen merely kicked off from the wall, twisting in midair and delivering an uppercut to Hinata's stomach. He skidded to a landing on the floor as Hinata staggered back from his punch.

Hinata looked at Shirasen, wondering how exactly she was supposed to fight him when he struck and dodged so fast. Never mind that; she had a date with him to win, and she couldn't very well win it if she couldn't hit him once. Summoning up her courage, she charged at Shirasen, who raised a hand to stop her strike. She couldn't help but smirk.

_His mistake,_ she thought, as her fingertips struck the chakra node in the center of his palm.

"Well, that's something new," Shirasen remarked. "But you're gonna have to hit harder than that, Hinata-chan."

"She doesn't need to," Kurenai remarked. "The Gentle Fist style isn't about external damage . . . it's about _internal_ damage."

Shirasen swept his leg out to trip Hinata, only for Hinata to land on one outstretched hand and twist on it to strike Shirasen in the knee with her fingertips. To his surprise, Shirasen felt his leg buckle and he collapsed on it. To Hinata's and Kurenai's surprise, he just laughed. "Whoo! Now this is getting exciting!"

Kurenai's crimson eyes widened. "Is he insane?" she asked herself.

Shirasen jumped off on his good leg and into a roundhouse kick, only for Hinata to strike the chakra nodes in that leg. When Shirasen landed, his leg felt like it was made of lead. Spinning on his other leg, he slammed his "deadweight" leg into Hinata's side and she stumbled several steps before finally regaining her footing. By then, Shirasen was attacking her relentlessly despite his handicapped leg, while Hinata blocked his attacks to the best of her ability, managing to hit several chakra nodes in both of his forearms.

Shirasen jumped back, rubbing his arms. "Heh. You're not so bad at this, Hinata-chan."

Hinata blushed at hearing the compliment from her impromptu boyfriend. That, however, was the opening Shirasen needed to slide into a kick to her stomach from the leg that still worked. The kick came with enough force to knock Hinata on her backside, with her opponent twisting around her to pin her.

"Eep!" Hinata squeaked out. "Shirasen-kun . . . not in front of Kurenai-sensei . . ."

"Aw, come on, Hinata . . ." Shirasen purred in her ear. "You're not that embarrassed, are you? It's just a spar. Or did you think I was going to . . ." He chuckled. "We can do that, too, if you like." He got off her, stretching his limbs to recover the feeling in them. "So, where do you wanna go?"

"Anywhere you'd like," Hinata replied.

"You sure?" Shirasen asked as he helped Hinata up. "Because there's this one place I wanna go that I haven't been in a long while." He looked at Kurenai. "If that's all right with you, Kurenai-sensei."

"As long as she's back at a respectable hour, I'm fine with you taking her out," Kurenai answered. "Just try not to publicly embarrass her by acting like a pervert."

"I make no promises, sweet sensei," Shirasen said.

* * *

As he and Hinata walked down the streets of Konoha, Shirasen smiled beneath his mask. He had a nice girl by his side, he was back in his home village as a respected shinobi, and he was thinking that life couldn't get any better than this. His expression darkened behind the mask when he remembered Haku.

_She didn't deserve to die,_ he thought. _Not like that._

Hinata noticed the tension in his body and squeezed his arm tightly. "Are you all right, Shirasen-kun?"

"Yeah, Hinata-chan," Shirasen replied absentmindedly. "Why do you ask?"

"Because we passed Ichiraku Ramen . . . and that was where you wanted to take me, right?"

"Uh, I can take you somewhere nicer if you like."

"I'm ok with ramen," Hinata assented.

"Sure!" Shirasen brightened, or at least put on a good show of doing so. "How was your mission?"

Hinata looked down. "Um . . ."

"If you don't want to talk about it, it's ok," Shirasen said. "I don't really wanna talk about my mission, either."

"You had a bad mission, too?" Hinata asked.

"You could say that," Shirasen replied. He quickly changed the subject. "Hey, there's Ichiraku's!" He ran toward the stand, dragging Hinata behind him. "Hey, old man!"

"Ah, Naruto, how are you?" Teuchi asked.

"Just chill, old man, just chill," Shirasen answered coolly. "Anyway, how does twenty bowls of beef ramen sound to you?"

Teuchi chuckled. "How you intend to eat all that, I don't know, but it's your stomach." He smiled at Hinata. "And what'll you have?"

"One bowl of miso ramen, please," Hinata replied.

"Coming right up," Teuchi said and went in back to get the bowls of ramen ready for the young couple.

As Shirasen and Hinata waited, the two heard a familiar young voice call out, "Boss!"

Shirasen turned and saw the Third Hokage's grandson Konohamaru, wearing what appeared to be a red-and-black scarf over the lower half of his face. Accompanying him was a glasses-wearing boy whose nose seemed to be running, and an orange-haired girl who looked like she always blushed. Both of Konohamaru's partners wore the same kind of scarf as Konohamaru, and in the same style.

"Hey, Kono!" Shirasen greeted. "What's up? And who're your friends?"

"I'm Udon . . . and I like math!" the glasses-wearing boy declared.

"I'm Moegi . . . the sassiest kunoichi in elementary school!" the orange-haired girl replied.

"And together, we are the Konohamaru Corps!" Konohamaru announced.

"Really?" Shirasen asked. "I'd have just called myself 'Konohamaru and His Slightly Less Cool Friends,' but that's me."

Hinata giggled at the sight of them. "It seems you have fans already, Shirasen-kun."

"Yeah," Shirasen replied. "Funny things happen when you smack sense into people and teach 'em a thing or two about how to be really badass."

"Yeah!" Konohamaru declared. "I'm gonna be the baddest Hokage there ever was!"

"Not if I get there first," Shirasen challenged amiably.

"So, you wanna play ninja with us?" Konohamaru asked.

"I would, but I got eating to do," Shirasen replied. "Maybe later."

"Ok," Konohamaru conceded. He looked at Hinata. "Hey, boss, is that pretty girl with you your girlfriend?"

"Hell, yes," Shirasen replied.

"Whew," Konohamaru sighed in relief. "I thought that loud pink-haired girl on your team with the big forehead was your girlfriend. Would have been a real shame if she was; you can so do better, boss."

"Who knows?" Shirasen mused aloud. "Who knows? She is a girl, and she is my friend, for certain qualities of 'friend.'"

"But she's always yelling at you!" Konohamaru shouted.

"Badly sublimated attraction to me," Shirasen explained coolly. "She can't handle her raging desire for me, so she yells at me and belittles me to psych herself into not liking me anymore."

"Wow!" Konohamaru uttered. "I wish I had your luck with girls, boss!"

"A little bit of luck, a little bit of skill, a little bit of raw charisma . . ." Shirasen replied. He looked at Hinata with a smile. "But I wouldn't trade Hinata-chan for anybody."

Hinata blushed, only for Teuchi to clear his throat to get her and Shirasen's attention. "Your order's here," he said to them.

"Thanks!" Shirasen answered. He looked at the Konohamaru Corps. "You guys hungry?"

"No, thanks, boss!" they replied.

"More for me!" Shirasen rejoiced, lowering his mask so he could eat – more like inhale – his bowls of ramen.

Moegi blushed when she saw Shirasen's uncovered face. _He's . . . cute._

After they'd finished their ramen, Shirasen turned to Hinata with a mischievous smirk. "Hey, you got a little something on your face."

"Really?" Hinata asked, just before Shirasen kissed her passionately. Hinata was surprised but eager, kissing him back just as vigorously. He pulled back with a smirk.

"Now you don't."

Paying for their meal, Shirasen noticed that the Konohamaru Corps had run off. He wasn't really going to pay any mind to that, but then he heard Konohamaru crying out for help. "Sorry, Hinata-chan, but a hero's work is never finished," he said, pulling up his mask and speeding to where he'd heard Konohamaru's cry.

When he got there, he saw an older boy in what seemed to be a black kabuki outfit and purple kabuki makeup holding Konohamaru by his scarf. "I hate brats like you . . ."

"Kankuro . . ." the tall blonde with her hair in four pigtails and a giant fan folded up behind her back growled in warning.

"You might want to listen to your girlfriend," Shirasen warned. "After all . . . that's the Hokage's grandson . . . and more importantly . . ." He drew his kodachi. "That's my protégé. You mess with him, you're messing with me. And it's not a good idea to mess with me."

"I'm his sister!" the blonde protested.

"So I see," Shirasen answered with deceptive calm. "Obviously, you got all the good looks in that family of yours. Now tell your bro to put Konohamaru down before I _make_ him."

Kankuro growled, but dropped Konohamaru. "Who the hell do you think you are, dressing up like that?"

"I could ask the same of you," Shirasen answered. "Except this is _my_ village, and it's already got a dangerously violent and unpredictable lunatic. _Me._ So walk back where you came from, or I'll send you there in pieces."

"We're here for the Chunin Exams," the blonde girl explained. She showed Shirasen her passport.

"Hmm, Temari . . ." Shirasen murmured. "Nice name."

"Why, you . . ." Kankuro was about to attack Shirasen, when a small rock flung his way made him reconsider that.

"He may be a dangerous lunatic, but he's my teammate, and I need him in one piece," Sasuke Uchiha replied from his perch in the tree above them.

"You'd be cuter if not for the pink hair," Temari remarked. "I prefer my men a little harder-edged."

"Blame the maniac for my hair," Sasuke supplied.

"He messed with me," Shirasen explained. "And that's what I'm willing to do to my own teammate." He grinned beneath his mask. "You wanna see what I'm willing to do to somebody I don't even know or give a damn about the way I do him?"

"Kankuro . . ." a voice growled from above them. "You disgrace . . . leave them alone."

"But, Gaara –!" Kankuro protested.

A redheaded boy with a giant gourd on his back and the kanji for "love" etched into his forehead above his left eye growled at Kankuro from his upside-down perch on the same tree Sasuke occupied. "I said leave them alone . . . or would you like me to kill you?"

Kankuro's silence said more than words could express, as Gaara came down to greet Shirasen and the Konohamaru Corps. "I apologize for my moronic brother," Gaara snarled. "Now, what's your name?"

"I'm called Shirasen."

Gaara looked up into the tree. "And you?"

"Sasuke Uchiha."

Gaara growled low in his throat. "I'm going to enjoy facing either of you in the Chunin Exams. You had better not disappoint." With that said, Gaara and his siblings went off.

"Who were those guys?" Shirasen asked.

Sasuke came down. "They were from the Village Hidden in the Sand. Couldn't you read their headbands?"

"Wasn't paying attention," Shirasen replied. "Although Blondie there had some damn fine legs, the kind you just want wrapped around you. . . ." He trailed off, his imagination getting the better of him.

Sasuke sighed. "Whatever. We've got to get ready for the Chunin Exams."

"Remind me to strangle Kaka-baka for not telling us himself," Shirasen commented. "In the meantime, I gotta make sure Hinata's all right. Don't want her fridged for me standing up to that punk." He dashed off, leaving Sasuke to look at where his teammate had been and curse himself for not asking him how he could get his hair back to normal.

"Damn bastard," Sasuke muttered.

* * *

End Notes: I have returned, and it is sweet! For those of you who kept asking me, you finally get Deadpool and Siryn's wedding! For those of you who've been looking forward to it, Shirasen gets his revenge on Sakura and Sasuke! For those of you who wanted to see that, too, Shirasen vs. the Sand Siblings! And there's gonna be even more coolness along the way! Stick around for the ride – and rest assured, Shirasen's a big flirt and a general pervert, but he's not gonna cheat on Hinata; that's not how he rolls. See you next time!


	10. Downward into the Spiral

"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 10: "Downward Into the Spiral"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, VIZ Media, and Shonen Jump. The X-Men Universe belongs to Marvel Comics and Marvel Entertainment Studios. I make no money from the use of either property in this story.

Author's note: Sorry for taking four months to come out with a new chapter. As you can see from my recent updates, I was very busy with other stories, but that's no excuse. Luckily, all those weeks of reading Naruto fanfiction has inspired me to write this story again. I will be picking up where the Chunin Exams begin and get to the action as reasonably as possible. I'd love to do it straight away, but setup is important, you see.

* * *

Dressed up as Shirasen, Naruto met up with his teammates Sakura and Sasuke, who were still giving him dirty looks for the pranks he'd pulled on them days earlier. Shirasen just stared unrepentantly at them. "The hell _you_ looking at?" he challenged.

"The guy who turned my hair pink," Sasuke retorted, now back to his usual black after hours of effort.

"The guy who tagged my dress with depraved messages," Sakura added.

"It's a rhetorical question," Shirasen growled. "God, can't either of you take a joke?"

"It wasn't funny!" they shouted at him.

"Sure, it was!" Shirasen protested. "You just have no sense of humor whatsoever, but whatever. We gotta head for the Chunin Exams so we can kick everybody's asses and be number one."

Thus, they went to the facility where they were to sign up for the Chunin Exams. "Isn't this grand?" Shirasen asked. "The three of us together, against an entire world of enemies doomed to fall by the wayside as we rise to the top!"

"Don't be melodramatic," Sakura grumbled.

"Well, at least I've got a positive outlook on life," Shirasen replied. "Unlike Mr. 'My Family Is Dead, Woe Is Me!' Seriously, I don't get what you see in him."

Sasuke just growled and attempted to punch Shirasen, who just caught his fist and twisted his wrist. "Bitch. You're just mad because I'm saying the truth. You ain't the only bastard in this goddamn world who lost their family. Hell, I don't even know who my real parents were. I don't know if I've got any brothers or sisters. But I ain't gonna act like a loser bitch who's got nothing better to do with his time than mope, not when there are so many asses to kick!"

He let Sasuke go roughly, causing the dark-haired youth to stumble for a few steps. "Now come on. We'd better hurry or we'll be late. I'm only keeping at this pace for you."

Sasuke rubbed his wrist. "You ok, Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah," Sasuke replied, too busy mulling over what Shirasen had said. Sasuke prided himself on being a perceptive person, flashing back to how vicious Shirasen had gotten with Inari back in the Land of Waves. The red-clad swordfighter was an anomaly Sasuke couldn't figure out so easily. Most of the time, he was a happy-go-lucky lunatic who seemed to be pathologically incapable of being serious, but then times like the Land of Waves came along, and he exploded with the kind of wrath that would scare even demons. Sasuke just didn't get the guy at all.

* * *

When they arrived at the facility, Sakura spoke up. "It was Room 301 Kakashi-sensei said for us to go to."

"Uh-huh," Shirasen replied nonchalantly.

Thus, Team 7 climbed up the steps, only to find Room 301 in front of them after reaching the second floor. "What the hell?" Shirasen asked. "What kind of crazy-ass nonsense is this?"

"It's a genjutsu, moron," Sasuke muttered.

"Screw you!" Shirasen retorted.

Just as the two boys were about to get into a vicious shouting match that could have turned into a vicious tussle, they were interrupted by a pair of older boys standing in front of the door. "Hey, how about you pansies go back?" the one with the bandana taunted. "You obviously don't have what it takes."

"Yeah, you'll only be throwing your sorry lives away," the other boy, this one with his face half in bandages, added.

"Speaking of people throwing their lives away, how would you like to throw away yours?" Shirasen threatened. "Because that's what'll happen if you don't let us in!"

"Ooh, I'm so scared!" the bandana-wearing boy taunted.

"You'd better be!" Shirasen retorted, drawing his kodachi.

Just then, a cute brunette with her hair tied in odango and wearing a pink mandarin shirt attempted to slip past the arguing trio with a boy in green spandex with his hair styled in a bowl cut. Without even looking, the bandaged boy grabbed the girl by her shoulder and pushed her away from the door. "And just where do you think you're going, little lady?" he asked.

"Please, we have to sign up for the Chunin Exams!" the girl pleaded.

"Look, quit while you're still in one piece," the bandaged boy sneered. "The Chunin Exams aren't for weaklings."

"Will you all quit messing around?" Sasuke asked sourly. "For the love of . . . it's a freaking genjutsu! And a lame one at that! Anybody who could count could figure it out!"

Shirasen just started laughing crazily. "Dude, that's the point! Why else would they do it on the second floor?" He calmed down slightly. "You guys have been good for a laugh, but I gotta ditch. Chunin Exams ahead, asses to kick, names to take, bubblegum to chew . . . you know how it is. Later!"

The bandana-wearing boy moved to attack the retreating Shirasen, who was whirling to slash him with one of his kodachi – when they were both stopped by the boy in green spandex, who was remarkably holding Shirasen's kodachi blade without flinching. "Damn . . . you're good," Shirasen remarked.

"This is not the proper time or place for such things," the boy stated politely.

"Good looking out, but . . . it's _always_ the time to kick ass!" Shirasen retorted. "You wanna go?"

"You seem to be an interesting opponent," the boy observed. "Tell me your name."

"Shirasen. Yours?"

"Rock Lee, the Handsome Green Beast of Konoha!"

_Handsome?_ Shirasen thought. _Maybe without those damn creepy eyebrows. Crap, they're huge!_

"Nice going, Lee," the pink-shirted girl muttered. "You've blown the plan."

"Plan?" Shirasen repeated. "Something you wanna tell us?"

"No," the girl answered.

"Could you at least tell me your name?"

"Tenten."

"Cool. 10 . . . 10 . . . Holy crap, you have the same name as my birthday! This is some trippy crap! Tenten! By Odin's beard!"

Everyone just looked at him oddly. "What? Thor says it all the time," Shirasen answered. He rolled his eyes beneath his mask. "Come on, let's go."

Thus, they went climbing up the stairs to the third floor. Before they could go, however, Lee turned to Shirasen. "I can only hope your unconventionally hip attitude extends to your fighting style."

"Why, you wanna fight?" Shirasen asked. "We can do it right now, and I'm even gonna be a sport and put away the swords!" True to his word, he sheathed his kodachi. "There, now we can really fight!"

Lee merely stood at attention, extending his arm in a beckoning pose. Shirasen took him up on his invitation and flashed into a roundhouse kick – that Lee caught. Undeterred, Shirasen lifted off with his other leg and almost managed to kick Lee in the face, only for Lee to tilt his head to avoid the kick. Shirasen twisted out of his grip and delivered a brutal uppercut that Lee stepped back from.

"You're fast," Shirasen commented.

"So are you," Lee complimented.

As Shirasen and Lee fought, Sasuke had his Sharingan activated to examine their movements more easily. Even with it on, they were like blurs to his augmented eyes, barely distinguishable by the colors they wore. _What kind of speed is this?_ Sasuke wondered. _How are they doing this?_

"How about we make this a little more interesting?" Shirasen asked.

"How?" Lee asked, blocking Shirasen's fist.

"First to make the other fall wins automatically," Shirasen replied. "Besides, we don't have too much time left."

"You are right," Lee agreed. "Let us finish this."

The two combatants charged at each other for one last blow, Shirasen moving for a low sweeping kick that Lee twisted over while kicking him in the solar plexus. Shirasen managed to catch himself on his hands while twisting around to forcefully kick Lee in the chest. Lee didn't fall, either, and maneuvered for a punch that hit Shirasen in the stomach, causing the red-clad boy to fall ungracefully on his bum.

"Damn . . . you win," Shirasen uttered. "Not bad, man. You'd better make it to the finals. I want a rematch."

"Duly noted," Lee answered, helping Shirasen up onto his feet. "Let us go in and sign up."

As they were about to do so, they were met by a long-haired boy in a khaki shirt and brown shorts with gauze bandages wrapped around his right arm and leg. It was the pale purple, almost white, eyes that made Shirasen recognize him. "Neji Hyuga."

"I see you know my teammate," Lee observed.

"Know him? I'm dating his cousin," Shirasen replied. "And he doesn't approve of me at all. Oh, well. I'm used to it. Doesn't get me down at all. Nosiree!"

"Lee, why are you wasting time?" Neji asked brusquely.

"I am sorry, Neji," Lee replied. "I merely wished to gain some insight into his skills before the Chunin Exams began."

"You don't have to be an ass about it," Shirasen remarked. "I mean I get that you're jealous of me. If I were you, I'd be jealous of me, too. But I'm me, so suck on it!"

"I don't even know what Hinata sees in you," Neji spat.

"She's drawn to my eccentric charm," Shirasen answered, smirking. "But enough with the chitchat, let's start putting fools on the rack."

* * *

The two teams went inside Room 301, where they were surrounded by fellow genin from all over the Elemental Countries. "Awesome . . ." Shirasen uttered. "So many asses to kick, so little time!"

"Hi, Sasuke . . ." he heard a familiar flirty voice and turned to see Ino Yamanaka draping herself over Sasuke like a stripper on a pole.

"Get off him, Ino-pig," Sakura growled.

"Yeah, you look like you're about to give him a lap dance," Shirasen remarked. "Not that I'd mind, if I were him. Problem is he doesn't know how to appreciate a good woman. Not like me."

Ino looked somewhere between disgusted and honestly flattered. Sakura just glared at Shirasen before turning back to Ino. "He took the words out of my mouth. About you looking like a tart, not the other stuff."

"What's the matter, Sakura?" Shirasen asked teasingly. "Jealous of Ino?"

"Of Ino-pig?" Sakura retorted angrily. "You're nuts!"

"That's the fun of being me," Shirasen replied.

"Hey, you!" they heard a voice shout, and Shirasen saw Kiba Inuzuka storming toward him with Akamaru in his jacket. "You! The punk who was all over Hinata back at team placement! I've been waiting to pay you back!"

"Why so mad?" Shirasen asked. "It's not like she didn't like it."

"You son of a –!" Kiba yelled, ready to swing at Shirasen.

"I haven't even known you that long, but I already know this," Shikamaru Nara remarked to Shirasen. "You bring trouble no matter where you are."

"Trouble finds me," Shirasen answered. "But I'm never bored when she's around. How about you, Shikamaru? What would you rather be doing, staring at clouds all day?"

"Yes," Shikamaru admitted dryly.

"I deserved that," Shirasen mumbled.

"Quit making so much noise," an older boy with silver hair in a ponytail and glasses admonished. "You're drawing a lot of unneeded attention right now."

"Your point?" Shirasen asked coolly.

"My point is that there's no need to antagonize ninja that'll already be eager to fight you to prove themselves," the older boy replied. "The name's Kabuto Yakushi, by the way. Yours?"

"Shirasen. Numbskull over there with the puppy is Kiba Inuzuka. Miss Pink there is Sakura Haruno. Broody bastard over there is Sasuke Uchiha. Lazybones there is Shikamaru Nara. Miss Funbags over there is Ino Yamanaka. I can introduce you to the others if you like."

"It's all right. I already know of them. I suppose this is your first time taking these exams?"

"Yeah. Your second?"

"Seventh, actually."

"Wow, you suck," Shirasen derided him.

"It allows me to gather useful intel so that I have a better chance of succeeding next time around," Kabuto offered.

"Keep telling yourself that," Shirasen mocked. "By the way, what's with those guys with the music notes on their headbands? The girl keeps staring at me like she wants to eat me . . . and I'm not sure I like it."

"What's the matter, tough guy?" Sakura mocked. "Scared you're gonna get raped by a girl?"

"If she's scary enough, maybe," Shirasen answered offhandedly. "No, seriously, Kabuto, who are those guys?"

"They're from a newly established village called Hidden Sound," Kabuto replied. "Not all that strong, I've gotta say, but it's just a matter of time."

That was when one of the Sound genin, a boy with most of his face covered in bandages except for his right eye, stomped over to Kabuto and swung at him. Kabuto dodged, but he suddenly found himself retching as his glasses cracked. "Teach you to call us weak," the boy snarled. "Who do you think you are, looking down on us like that?"

"Throwing a bitch-fit because you and your punk-ass village got dissed?" Shirasen asked, drawing his swords. "Then why don't you prove yourself with a _real _tough guy?"

"Is that an invitation?" the bandaged boy snarled, ready to swing at Shirasen. It was at that moment that Shirasen noticed the Sound boy's fighting arm had some kind of cybernetic attachment riddled with strategically placed holes.

"So what if it is?" Shirasen taunted. "You gonna do something about it?"

"Great, he's gonna get us all killed," Shikamaru muttered.

"Quit it, you little sons of bitches, or I'll disqualify you right now!" a booming voice shouted. "No fighting until the second and third rounds of the Chunin Exams, understand?"

Everyone snapped to attention when they saw who'd been shouting. It was a tall, muscular, highly imposing man in a dark trench coat over gray clothes wearing his headband as a bandana. The most notable thing about him was the long diagonal scars marring what would have otherwise been a somewhat handsome face.

"Sure thing, sir!" Shirasen shouted, sheathing his swords. "Sorry about that! Just teaching a punk not to be a punk! Lessons like that get kinda violent, you see. . . ."

The man, Ibiki Morino, just stared long and hard at Shirasen, who just grinned insanely behind his mask. "Dude, the fear aura you're giving off kicks ass!" Shirasen exclaimed. "How do I crush people's souls with just a glance? Teach me, teach me!"

"I'm not here to teach you anything, punk," Ibiki growled. "But follow me and you might actually learn something. That goes for all of you."

* * *

Too scared out of their wits to do anything else, the assembled genin followed Ibiki into a large classroom. "You'll take your seats as they are assigned to you," he said, and the genin did just that. By sheer luck of the draw, Shirasen found himself sitting next to Hinata.

"Hey, honey," he greeted her. "You miss me?"

Hinata blushed.

"No talking!" Ibiki roared.

"Man, I'm trying to catch up with my girlfriend!" Shirasen protested. "What's your damage?"

"You'll have plenty of time to catch up when you're squaring off against each other in the second and third rounds!" Ibiki retorted. "Now shut up!"

"Grouch," Shirasen muttered.

"What was that, punk?" Ibiki asked.

"You're a grouch, I said," Shirasen replied.

"Smartass," Ibiki grumbled. "I'll show him . . ." Taking a moment to catch himself, he went on. "This is a written test, designed to assess the depth of your knowledge of the ninja world! You will have ten questions to answer. Contrary to the usual system where you gain points for each one answered correctly, we deduct a point for each one answered _incorrectly!_ Getting caught cheating will cause you to lose two points no matter what, even if you answered all questions correctly! And one more thing – your fate here depends on how well your teammates do as well as how well _you_ do! It doesn't matter if you answer them all right; if your teammates lose enough points, that will drag down your overall score and you'll fail, anyway! Understand that?"

"What kinda bull is that?" Shirasen asked, oblivious to Sakura's glare.

The test forms were handed out to every genin present, and as soon as Ibiki gave the order, the test began. Sakura was the only one who answered all the questions perfectly, due to her incredible book-smarts. Everyone else had to find some way to cheat.

Sasuke cheated with his Sharingan, copying the answers off another student's paper. Kiba used Akamaru to read off the other students' answers in plain sight, as the Inuzuka were the only ones that understood their nin-dogs' language. Ino used her Mind Transfer Technique to read the answers from Sakura's mind and transmitted them to Shikamaru and Choji.

Neji and Hinata used their Byakugan to read everyone else's answers and glean from them how to properly answer their own tests. Shino relied on his bugs to secretly read the answers off other students' papers and relay them to him. Tenten used hidden mirrors to read the answers and give them to Lee through a secret code. Gaara used a hidden eye made of sand to spy on the others so he could read their answers and then transfer them to his siblings.

Shirasen just smiled underneath his mask and began doodling on the test paper, pictures of Hinata and Sakura and Ino and Tenten and Temari and that Sound girl, all in rather sexy outfits and poses. He might have been bored by Jiraiya's _Make-Out Paradise,_ but he had to admit it made for good inspiration . . . as did his own H-games. He chuckled to himself. _Maybe Pervy Sage and I ought to team up and make some H-games out of his books. That could make things even more fun, and he'd reach a whole new audience!_

"Shirasen-kun . . ." he heard Hinata whisper.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" Shirasen asked, and a smile broke out on his face before he remembered that he was wearing a mask.

"I . . . I have the answers," Hinata whispered.

"It's ok, babe," Shirasen whispered back. "I got this."

"And time for the tenth question!" Ibiki shouted.

"Where is the tenth question, anyway?" somebody asked.

"It's not a written question, it's a verbal question," Ibiki replied. "It's the one you need to answer so that you can continue on past this point! If you take the tenth question but get it wrong, you'll be stuck as a genin forever. You won't be able to take the exam again! If you decline, you automatically fail and you'll have to wait for the next exam! That's the deal!"

"No fair!" someone shouted.

"Life isn't fair, kids," Ibiki answered mockingly.

"Screw this, I'm outta here!" someone else shouted. Many followed suit and left as well.

"Punks," Shirasen muttered. "So what's this tenth question about, anyway, Scarface?"

"You wanna know?" Ibiki asked. "Then take it! But I warn you . . . if you get it wrong, you not only fail yourself, you get your teammates failed! None of you will be able to take the exam again!"

_Don't do it, Naruto . . . don't do it, Naruto . . . don't do it, Naruto . . ._ both Sakura and Sasuke were thinking frantically.

"I'll take it!" Shirasen declared. "And I don't care what you do to try to get me to back down, I don't go for that crap! All that psychological warfare B.S., it's just that: B.S. The only things that matter in this world are what you wanna get out of it and how many dead bodies you're willing to go over to get it! Anybody who doesn't have the goddamn balls to fight for what they want, no matter how much they have to sacrifice for it, is a punk bitch unworthy of my awesome presence! You understand me?"

"Is that what you have to say?" Ibiki asked, smiling gruesomely.

"Yeah," Shirasen replied, smiling back just as wickedly beneath his mask.

"Do you all agree with this guy?" Ibiki asked the others.

"I'm not gonna stand for being called a punk bitch by this asshole, so yeah!" Kiba replied heatedly. "I'm with him!"

The others didn't answer quite as vociferously as Shirasen and Kiba had, but their silent refusal to leave spoke louder than either boy could. Ibiki just chuckled. "You pass. You all pass. That was the tenth question."

"Huh?" everyone asked, stunned.

"The tenth question wasn't a literal test of your knowledge, it was a test of your resolve," Ibiki explained. "Being a chunin means being a leader, and leaders have responsibilities. They have to take point on dangerous missions, and not very many of those missions will have all the facts presented before you. There'll be things you won't expect, things that'll take you by surprise, and that's when you prove if you've got what it takes to be a shinobi." He took off his bandana, revealing a bald head full of hideous scars, some from thumbscrews, to his captive audience.

_Whoa . . ._ Sasuke thought. _This guy . . . he's been tortured before . . ._

"So congratulations, you little bastards," Ibiki finished up. "You've made it past the first part of the Chunin Exams. Now . . ."

* * *

That, however, was the moment one Anko Mitarashi chose to interrupt, crashing through the window with a banner saying in bold, brightly colored letters, "Introducing the One, the Only, the Sexiest –Anko Mitarashi!"

"Wow . . ." Shirasen uttered. "A woman after my own style!"

"What, is that all of them?" Anko asked. "Damn, Ibiki, you're getting soft."

"We just have a talented bunch this year," Ibiki replied. "You can blame Mr. 'I'll Go over Dead Bodies to Get What I Want' over there." He gestured at Shirasen, who waved back at him.

"Deadpool's kid . . ." Anko murmured, smiling wickedly at Shirasen. Sitting next to him, Hinata honestly didn't know whether to be afraid for him or jealous that a sexy older woman had her eyes on him. "All right, you little punks, come with me!"

"Aye-aye, Captain!" Shirasen shouted.

Anko just snickered and led the remaining genin out to the entrance to a gated forest. "This . . . is the Forest of Death. Those posts over there are where you sign your waivers saying we're not responsible for your untimely crippling or gruesome deaths."

"Forest of Death?" Shirasen mumbled. "Bitch, please. The Danger Room's got scarier settings than this, particularly when Logan-sempai gets in the right mood."

Unfortunately for him, Anko heard him and threw a kunai at his forehead, just to scare him. Shirasen caught it with his hand, letting the blade pierce through said hand before pulling it out. However, Anko had flickered behind him, now holding the wrist of his bleeding hand tightly. "Tough guys like you are the first to go down," she whispered hotly, "spilling that red blood I love so much."

"Lady, you're starting to turn me on," Shirasen whispered back.

"I can tell," Anko murmured sensually, "but I'm saving myself for your old man. Kids don't quite do it for me, even if you're a real cutie under that mask."

"Fine, but you wanna taste first?" Shirasen offered.

Anko slowly licked the blood off Shirasen's hand and then pulled away before a long-tongued Grass kunoichi retrieved her kunai for her. "Sorry," the Grass kunoichi whispered in a slithery voice. "But I was just so excited by that display there. I couldn't quite help myself."

"It's all right," Anko answered. "We all have our kinks." She walked back up front, and Shirasen just leaned back on the balls of his feet, silently cursing that his jacket wasn't long enough to hide his groin when closed.

_Then again, why should I be bothered? Let them see it. Drool over my godly body, ladies!_ Shirasen laughed on the inside, though the manic smile concealed by his mask was something of a giveaway to how deeply excited he was.

Each team received a scroll with a binding marked by the kanji for either "heaven" or "earth." "What are these for?" someone asked.

"So you have a reason to fight," Anko replied. "The Forest of Death is all about testing your survival skills. Dangerous animals all around you, and even more dangerous enemy shinobi waiting in the wings to take you down and take your scroll! If you've got a Heaven Scroll, you need an Earth Scroll! If you have an Earth Scroll, you need a Heaven Scroll! You have five days from this point to reach the other side of the Forest of Death and the sanctuary tower, and if you don't get there in time or with your whole team intact, you fail!"

"How are we going to eat?" Choji asked.

"Plenty of things to eat in the forest!" Anko answered with a manic grin splitting her face. "And one more word of advice – try not to die! Now get in there, you punks!"

Thus, the genin teams made their way into the Forest of Death. As they moved, several teams were already making their plans to take down the others . . . and at least one of those teams had their sights set on Team 7 in particular. They were certain of their victory; after all, Team 7 was just a bunch of inexperienced brats, so they shouldn't be too hard, right? Oh, they had no idea . . . no idea at all . . .

* * *

End Notes: All right, I'm back! Sorry for the four-month gap between this chapter and the last, but a lot of stuff got in the way. As you can see from my profile, though, I haven't been entirely absent and my creative mind is hard at work! Check out "Punisher and Manslayer" or "Who Rules the Night?" for more of what I mean, and be on the lookout for more of my stories!

Anyway, the dice have been cast. The Chunin Exams have begun, and there are plenty of interesting new characters for Shirasen to interact with, flirt with, or beat the crap out of! However, will Shirasen and his teammates end up biting off more than they can chew in these successive Chunin Exams, or will they find a way to triumph against all odds? For the answers to that question and others, hang on for next time! Later days!


End file.
